doorbell.

the dang doorbell won't stop ringing. we just had a firefighter visit us. my mom deterred him w/ M&M's. speaking of my mom... i went to get a flu shot w/ my mom at the school i work at. my mother knew the two girls (they were at the school getting shots as well) b/c they were practicums last year at the school she works. i had always assumed they were older than me. why?
1. because they have 'real' jobs
2. because they are married and talk about their house, dog, meals the cook, etc.
They are the same age as me. i just feel like a kid b/c i live w/ my parents now. since moving home i have reverted back to being a kid. i dislike that about me right now. another reason to move away next semester. i've lived at home two months...and it appears as if i will be here another two months. dang...i love living at home...but, i don't as well. question: the only reason i DON"T like living at home ... is b/c i feel i'm a loser and should be married already? hmm. after talking w/ those two girls...that's how i feel. everytime they said, 'and my husband said this to me...' my stomach churned a little bit. maybe i feel inadequate or less of a woman b/c a man is not pursuing me. maybe i'm just jealous. maybe...i just think too much and should just enjoy this 'transition' period in my life. yes....that's it.

dang...now batman is at the door.

prayer...make a difference?

does prayer even make a difference?
this has been a constant thought the last few months.
a few posts ago i made a confession that my prayer life has lacked passion and perseverence the past few months. and, not to make excuses, but my heart was scattered into so many tiny pieces that i could barely put words upon my mouth to utter anything of much worth. most of my prayers were just....coming before God in silence.

but recently i have felt a weight upon my soul for the lack of engaging and interacting conversations w/ people. i've become scared that i'm falling away from God. not, that i'm loosing my salvation, but that the closest times i've had with God have already occured in my life. that i will no longer have 'experiences' such as those again. (does this make sense?). and...then my mind wandered to a teaching i heard awhile back concerning oppurtunties that we have in our lives. if we take certain oppurtunities and are obedient in our lives as to what God would have for us in certain situations, then he will give us more. and...so while the first steps of obedience may seem like baby steps, eventually we'll be asked to do greater things for God.

i've recently been convicted that i've not been obedient in the baby steps. that i've decided to watch a stupid tv show instead of work on my studies. or, i decide to write an email instead of spend that time w/ my mom. or...other (seemingly) small things such as this. now the things i have chosen to do are not bad in and of themselves.... but the fact that i was disobeying my inner convictions WAS definitely wrong. and...as i continue to say, 'yes' to my flesh and 'no' to the holy spirit...my heart has become hardened.

maybe my theology is wrong. but, there's gotta be some sorta truth in there somewhere. (and we could go off later on how God can work through someone whether they are obedient or not...and how God reveals himself to righteous and unrighteous. an example of nebecznezzor in daniel). anywho....i DO know that my life hasn't been evidencing Christ as much as it should. i'm not shining like a star to this universe.

so...the past few mornings i have been praying for chances to be obedient to God in the small things. confessing my desire to 'get back' right...to obey in the small things.

you still with me? now i come to the interesting part which could be an entirely new post in and of itself. but, today was my 6th day of jury duty. quite exciting. the best part is the 1.5 hours for lunch. so i usually venture downtown to eat at some fun little spot in the pedmall or something. as i was walking there i came across another juror and we decided to eat together. now....confession. i didn't really even want to talk w/ her to begin w/. i was planning on reading for a class i have gotten behind in...(theology 101 at DTS). but, i felt that prodding. and i knew that i would feel guilty if i didn't go and talk w/ her.

we sat down to eat...and i was a bit distraught that i had spent 6 bucks on mac'n'cheese....(and it wasn't even very good)...but, alas, i began chatting w/ this other juror. we joked about the case and attorneys, etc. and suddenly the conversation turned to religion. i found out that she's employed by the Christian Science church...as she is their piano player. we began talking about what they believed, etc. now..i knew i was on quite shaky ground. i wasn't sure how much things should be 'pushed.' i've swung to different sides of being super blunt and in their face about the gospel, to being more compassionate or passive in listening to where they are at, etc. i've been pressured in the past to think that if i don't share the gospel directly the conversation has been worthless. but, this conversation wasn't like that. i was so thankful for the ways God has grown me in this area. to realize that each conversation is different. each person must be approached differently and responds differently to various approaches.

after this conversation i felt that i had done what God desired of me. that i spoke truth to this woman...and showed compassion to her. that i cared about her thoughts and ideas, etc. and....not out of guilt or obligation...but b/c i was being me. at one point i asked her how Christian Scientists viewed going to heaven. she replied adamently...'just like everyone else! no differences!' She was excited to let me know this...and her eyes shone brightly as she told me this happy unifying fact. i was intrigued at this point. how the heck do CHristian Scientists view God and eternal life? so, being interested i asked for verification as to what she was referring to. '...so how does one get to heaven?' to which she replied, 'being a good person of course!'

i was left dumbstruck. she compeltely thought EVERYONE believes that being a good person is what gets you to heaven. and....basically all these different religions lead to the same place. dang...this is what all the peeps i spoke w/ in thailand believed too! (good person = eternal life). i told her that's not what i believed. and...i told her how Jesus' death and resurrection is the crucial part in how one receives salvation. she seemed a bit surprised and quickly took back that previous statement that 'good people go to heaven' as she exclaimed, 'yes..yes..of course he is important too.' but...it was evident that this is not what she truely believed. she was a bit uncomfortable at this point...so i backed down. from previous conversation i knew there were those of genuine faith in the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob active in her life...so i decided to pray this conversation would result in a more active interest in understanding who Jesus was and is.

so...thank you God for answering prayer. thanks for not letting me be selfish w/ my lunch and time...but allowed me to be the voice of truth into someone elses life today.

i learned much about the christian scientists today. for that...i am also thankful. how often do i get wrapped up in my own little world??

look for oppurtunties today...or tomorrow. don't say 'no' to what you know you should do. God will give you oppurtunties to obey him. He will provide chances for you to speak to others if you ask and desire that. that's what i learned today. ok...i have to go get my flu shot now...

also....

jonah.
noah.
Judah.

take note.

i want to name my kid ezra...or azariah....or hezikiah.(sp)? I am reading much of the OT for class...and am finding all sorts of sweet names for future kids. If God blesses me in this way.

i also want to share w/ you a sweet verse from my past reading this week.
"For Ezra had set his heart to study the law of the Lord and to practice it, and to teach his statutes and ordinances in Israel" (Ezra 7:10)

help.

for those of you looking for a good site to help w/ bible studies..check out: www.bible.org. a sweet translation. some of the books you can listen to. double click on any word and it looks it up for you. all the resources are completely free...so check it.

music.

music has the power to transport you back to specific occasions when you felt a certain way. i listend to a certain cd a lot last year...and just pulled out the music again. i find myself feeling much how i did last year.

i also recall listening to 'here is our king,' by david crowder in ukraine this past march. sasha played it at his house. i stayed at sasha and luda's place with todd (a guy who supported me for my previous jaunts to ukraine...and wanted to see it for himself). sasha borrowed my cd player (as always) and plugged it in to these small computer speakers which served as their stereo system. (quite fancy actually). it played continously while i stayed there. i loved staying there. they had a tiny dog named lala that liked to pee everywhere but outside. it also enjoyed biting. (kinda like this small kid i know). i remember staying up late and writing notes to josh...and awaiting the next morning when i could read one of the many notes he sent w/ me for time we were apart. i wrote him this super long letter explaining all these feelings that were enveloping me at the time. i talked about my love for the people. i mentioned how i desired to become more hospitable...b/c they were so grand at it and i so suck at it. i missed him alot...and i'm fairly certain i mentioned that once or twice. i tried to paint a picture so he could experience the trip with me. i remember sasha staying up late w/ me and talking w/ me about josh. sasha askd me many questions about josh and the man that he was. he asked me questions on if i was really ready to be with someone the rest of my life. and he asked why we weren't engaged yet. and...sasha shared w/ me how he has enjoyed married life and how it makes the difficult things in life easier to go through. all the while david crowder is playing in the background. upon parting sasha and luda presented me with this crown. calling me a princess and telling me that i must wear this on my wedding day. ..and that they were so excited that i found someone i loved. many of the girls said the same thing to me in different ways. this is another reason breaking up w/ josh was a bit difficult. i was embaressed that i couldn't even 'hold onto' a boy...i felt like a loser. and this is why it killed me when josh didn't even read the letter i wrote him while i was in ukraine. b/c i had stayed up late many nights to note my thoughts for the day. and he didn't even desire to read about my experience. i wanted him to read it and ask me questions and to be so excited that we'd stay up late talking about it. but, alas...all these desires remain only that. longings in my heart.

my friend lindsay is right. i had asked lindsay why i should 'let go' of josh. b/c in many respects he is exactly the man i am looking for. the only reason i foresee not liking him...is that he doesn't like me. which...seems dumb to say. it's obvious and a great reason to move on. but...this fact hurts the most. with his words he would exclaim his desire to know me and that he was pursuing and liked being around me. but, his actions showed me much differently. i was ok with it...in hopes that time would make this better. but, time didn't make it better. the fact is...josh should have broken up w/ me long before or never started pursuing me if he didn't like me. it's just hard to retract my heart now that i have let it go. i placed my trust in josh's words...and now i can't forsee doing this with anyone ever again. i didn't feel like josh liked me...but he continually told me he did...but i felt he didn't. stupid emotions....and stupid being intutitive. i never know if my feelings are correct or my emotions are overwhelming me.

hmpf. this post was long. slightly boring. but, it's good to mark down my thoughts.

article.

check out this article...a twist for those desiring to be married. (not really a twist...but more a wake up call).

The part which caught my eye:
"Here's something else the world won't tell you. Even if you find your "perfect ten" — however you define "ten" — marriage is still hard. When you search for a spouse, you are looking for someone (a sinner, like you) who you will be serving God and living the Christian life with until Christ returns or one of you dies.

In that context, even a really good sense of humor will only get you so far. Physical attractiveness (as defined by the world) fades in 100 percent of people, including you. "Chemistry" as the world defines it ebbs and flows in any relationship. Your spouse can be as fun-loving as he or she can possibly be and there will still be many moments that aren't fun. Your spouse can have the best personality you've ever seen and he or she will still drive you absolutely batty sometimes if you live with him or her for the rest of your life. You can marry someone who appears to be an omni-competent genius, and there will still be times that neither of you knows what to do next. Knowing that is part of maturing as a person and as a believer, and believe it or not, it's part of what makes marriage wonderful and special.

As you seek someone with whom to serve God in marriage, build on something more than what might make for a few fun dates or an impressive "catch" in the world's eyes."

JURY.

monday morning i had to show up to court b/c they called me up for jury duty. i was quite excited about this. partly (honestly) b/c i was excited to get out of work. also, b/c i am interested in the procedure. Heck, i worked in a law firm for nearly a year. the attorneys would often rush out to court while i was stuck dealing w/ the unruly clients. anywho... i end up getting picked for the 8 member jury! i nearly wet myself. no one else wanted to be there. i just knew i was getting away from the jaws of one unhappy kid for a few days. so...i've been at the court house since monday listening to attorneys bicker and try to one up each other. it's humerous to hear them attempt to make themselves look better in front of the juries...when we all have labeled them, 'mr. rude' and 'mr. grumpy-pants.' but, we don't judge on if we like the attorney or not. the trial has run a bit longer than antcipated. we must report back on TUESDAY next week....and perhaps finish everything by wednesday. this has gotten me out of work for 4.5 days! sweet!

i went back to work today for half the day. i got bit on the leg. yes...the leg. who gets bit on the leg? ME! but, the greatest thing was that the kids missed me. even my little biting charge missed me. i can think of it as a 'loving bite.' sigh. i'll keep telling myself this.

ok...so, this post was going to be longer and more exciting. but, alas. it's short and boring. i'm talking to eric and debra online. so...blame them. this is what i have been up to the last week. that...and listening to mutemath a lot. love um.

and...i must mark down a converation i had w/ sickels about stuff. it was quite freeing and healing for me.

peppy.

so. that would never be a word to describe me. it just wouldn't.

can i vent. just once...again?
drives home. talking. challenge of the gospel. real. God's love. truth. acceptance. questions answered about theology, science, life. i loved that. i'm missing that right now. it honestly does not make sense to me why i cannot have it. why do i think i know better? what crap. i do not. what do i want more? God...to serve him? Or my own fleeting pleasure? (when you put it that way...it's easy). i want someone that doesn't want me. why ever do i put myself through this hell? he's the one that's missing out. he made the mistake. if that's true...why am i the one that is left upset while he continues on w/ his nice little life? um. you are right. i'm bitter now. my friend informed me that some guy has a crush on me. but, he said i don't need to worry b/c he knows better than to pursue me. he says guys are intimidated by me...b/c they don't know what i want. they don't know how to offer me security that i need. in some ways....i like that. in other ways...it makes me feel like i'll be alone forever. (which...i really am ok w/ at this point). however. i continually think back to how much fun i DID have w/ josh. and...i get slightly bitter when i think of how serious a majority of our time was the last little bit. and...i place much blame upon him and his attitude. and... i feel like he's blaming ME and thinking I am no fun. i think...it's my worst fear. to be no fun. to be boring. seriously. my worst fear. that...and have my good friend tortured and killed in front of me. that is actually my worst fear. second is the being boring. a bit on different levels...but, both could happen in my life.

i am complaining. it's true. not too many people read this. so, it's ok. right? um...yah. i'm honestly....good now. i am laughing...and joking more. i just don't like the idea that i am 'settling' or being content. or...missing out on the power of hte gospel b/c i'm not living w/ anyone that hits that part of my soul as others have in the past. i need those that can reach those inner parts. you know who you are. josh did. marta...and others to be nameless. sigh. don't let me loose that Father! bring someone into my life to speak the power of the gospel into the mundane....to live and be a light to others w/.

im out.

sweet stuff.

do you think this women in thailand is still paddling?

i've wondered this the past few years.

note.

note that i have been posting some work i have been doing for class on my other blog titled, 'notes.' it's a bit boring...but, if you ever want a summary of different books of the OT and how i desire to apply what i am reading to my life you can check it out. just wanted you to know.

just a note. that my throat is killing me...and i could cough up a bucket of snot if you desired. isn't that fantastic?

application of first few chapters of bible.

While often the Bible shapes what we learn, sometimes what we gleam from the scriptures is a product of what the Spirit has already been teaching us. Recently I have been searching for specific sins in my life I can confess to God and others around me. As I have sought this in prayer and conversation w/ others I have realized my tendency to make excuses for sin. I justify my actions. To a certain extent analyzing actions and understanding why you acted in a certain way or said a certain thing is a good. But to an extreme only leads to a justification of sin. And if sin is justified there is not a true repentant heart, and if a true repentant heart is lacking than authentic change will not occur (II Corinthians 6:10).
As I read chapter 3 of Genesis I saw how Adam tried to place the blame upon Eve. God asks Adam if he had eaten from the fruit, and he confesses but he says it was because Eve had given it to him. He didn’t deal rightly with his mistake. He wasn’t accepting the full responsibility of his action, and trying to place part of the blame upon Eve. Even though he was explaining what happened it seems as if Adam was trying to justify why he ate the forbidden fruit. He didn’t deal rightly with sin.
This idea comes up again with the story of Cain and Abel. God didn’t accept Cain’s sacrifice of his produce and this upset Cain. However, God told Cain in verse 7 of chapter 4 that the sacrifice would be accepted if he responded in the right way to the situation. (Obviously the slaying of his brother was the wrong response).
All of the above is mentioned to set up the application I gleamed from this passage. Basically I was challenged to deal rightly with sin in my life. How do I respond to sin? Do I accept fault? Or do I seek to justify and blame others? My desire is to deal rightly with sin. I don’t want to sit and analyze a certain action, but to quickly admit the wrong and seek to deal rightly with the consequence. This next week I want to be aware of this tendency and to identify times when I am tempted to not accept the responsibility for my actions. I will not justify my sin, but confess and admit the reality of my heart.

who am i?

well. i'm in Christ. a new creation.
but, i am a girl that doesn't like to dress up.
i don't really like to commit to anything.
i don't wear make up.
i come off shy at first, but i'm not really afraid to confront a brother or sister when i see something alarming in their life. even, if it's not alarming... i could come across as really nosy.
but, i just like to understand why people think the way they do.
therefore, i love to ask questions. i love to understand people and why they think what they do.
i want to know what you're passionate about and why.
i don't want a lot of money or comfort.
perhaps i long for security....i have no idea what it's like to NOT have security.
i want to live overseas for a few years at least.
i want to have kids and raise them in truth.
i want to find someone to love and share my life w/ who wants the same things i do.
i am a trusting person...and strive to be a trustworthy person. although, i often find myself seeking to make myself look better than i really am in front of others.
i am self concious...i think i'm a loser a lot. but, i try to fight off that thought b/c i know it's a sin. b/c, i know i am created in God's image and God is sanctifying me.
i want friends...and i want to live in community w/ other like-minded people.
i am crtical...but, am trying dang hard not to be.
i often think i am better than others or that i am more enlightened than others...but, i am not. (i really do think i'm a loser)....so go figure that one out.
i can be fairly lazy.
i enjoy watching movies...but movies that make me think. (although a funny movie is good every now and then).
i wonder if anyone will ever love me for who i am...if i will ever enjoy myself around someone...or pull the best out of another person. i long for that...but, i know i don't need this.
i work better in a team then alone.
i love to laugh and to have fun...but am often not the instigator of it. (depends on who i am around).
this is me. just thought you'd like to know.
i want to be a woman of prayer....a woman God works through in mighty ways. not for my own glory, but so that his name would be known throughout all peoples. i want others to know God's love b/c they are around me. i lack at this...but, i pray that God would shine even more brightly through me when my sin prevails. i am a sinner...but one whom God has chosen to redeem. oh....the rocks shall not cry out before me of his glory.

joys.

you know the joys of a laptop? i can be online...anywhere.
in my bed, on the couch, at a desk, on the pot. anywhere i'd like.
am i addicted? perhaps... i have felt that i am filling my mind w/ other things.
i don't want to be consumed w/ things of this world. i need to keep my mind on the world...and wht's happening throughout. i don't want to be content being here. is my desire to be overseas a real passion? or a fading fad? it sickens me that it could simply be a fad. i'm too scared to actually doing anything about it. maybe...this is why i am alone right now. for me to really figure out where my heart is and what i want to live for. no lindsay. no marta. no josh. no one to pull me along. it's me and God. yes, i still have those friendships. but, no one i am reliant upon. lindsay is married. marta is dating seriously. and josh is...well, not so much in the picture anymore. all of these people i have aligned my life w/ at some point. now...it's time for me to step up and decide what I want to do. not anyone else. just me. and, i guess i feel slightly selfish. but, i have to. i don't want to go around stumbling through life. i want to grab it...seize it...and live it up. and experience full joy no matter where i am at. i am learning. this is good. i think i am going to school next semester at talbot in la. i would live w/ three other believers near campus. take classes to study the bible w/ an emphasis on christian care and counseling. i think my desire to go overseas will remain strong even as i am around those that aren't pursuing that. i don't want to do a missiology degree. i also see a need to develop skills useful overseas.... so, somehow i will also pursue applied lingustics or TESL. something to that nature.

these are my thoughts for today. they will change soon.

thinking like a missionary.

if i am to get overseas eventually...i must keep my mind set upon this. i must surround myself w/ like minded people. i don't want to settle. i will not settle. i want to make the most of my life. i do not want to live in america. not that america is inhernetly bad. i just want to be in the center of what God is doing. God, keep hold of my heart. May i not settle. i thought my life was headed in one direction...and now it is not. i want to align my life w/ someone... i want to follow them. i am not a leader. team is important. i am trusting God to orchestrate this. i dont' know what this looks like. but, God...please take my affections and shape them unto you. i am affirmed that more training is what i desire.

i was at a point where i didn't want to pursue specific biblical training. when i was w/ josh...i felt that if i had a question i could go to him and ask him what he thought. we could discuss matters together... i respected his opinion. now, i'm at a loss again. i dont' want to be under someone's leadership...and just follow blindly. i want to know what i believe and why. breaking up josh secured my desire to pursue education in a seminary setting. but, how shall i support myself? hmm...these are my thoughts. i'm not sure. God, i can trust you. guide me. i'm at your mercy. life is just a blip in eternity. i want to live and store treasure in heaven....not on earth.

overwhelm me w/ you tonight.
may i awake tomorrow w/ praise on my lips.

thoughts on the bible.

words of rich mullins.
may we breath deeply.

The Bible is not a book for the
faint of heart. It is a book full of all
the greed and glory and violence and
tenderness and sex and betrayal that
benefits mankind. It is not a collection
of pretty little anecdotes mouthed by pious
little church mice. It does not so much
nibble at our shoe as it cuts to the heart
and splits the marrow from bone to bone.
It does not give us answers fitted to our
smaller minded questions, but truth that
goes beyond what we even know to ask.’
“I don’t think you read the Bible to know
truth. I think you read the Bible to find
God, that we encounter Him there, that —
and I love Paul calls — Paul says that the
Scriptures are God’s breath. And I kinda
go, ‘Wow.’ So let’s breathe this as deeply
as possible. And this is what liturgy
offers that all the razzamatazz of our
modern worship can’t touch.

“A lot of times we think something spiritual
is happening, and it’s merely aesthetics.
Yeah, that’s why it always bugs me when you
— at the end of a concert, someone’ll say,
‘Wow, the Spirit really worked.’ And I
kinda go, ‘How would you even be able to
know that? It was so noisy in here
tonight. How would you know if the Sprit
was working?’ ‘Well, I was really moved.’
Well, that’s an emotional thing. That’s
not a spiritual thing. A spiritual thing
is folding your clothes at the end of the
day. Spiritual thing is making your bed.
Spiritual thing is taking cookies to your
neighbor that’s a shut in, or raking their
front yard because they’re too old to do
it. That’s spirituality. Get a warm, oozy
feeling about God is an emotional thing.
There’s nothing wrong with it. I think
there is nothing more practical than real
spirituality. But nothing more fun than
just a good, heartfelt, emotional
experience of God. ‘Cause I think emotions
are good. They’re only dangerous when we
come away from an experience where we were
emotionally manipulated, and we confuse
that with being convicted. I think
conviction, there is an emotion that
accompanies that, but it certainly goes
deeper than just coming away going ‘Oh,
isn’t God neat?’

paul simon

i really like this song.
but i had never thought of the words before.
i hope this never characterizes me.
i want to be dirty...in peoples lives.
not hidden. not alone. it's not about me.
we often think we need to protect our time alone w/ God.
but...it's so easy to become like this.
sheltered.
thinking we can handle it on our own...and enjoying it...and thinking that's all it is.
let's get dirty.


On a winter’s day
In a deep and dark December,
I am alone.
Gazing from my window
To the streets below
On the freshly fallen snow.
I am a rock.
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty
That no one can penetrate.
I have no need of friendship.
Friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock.
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me.
And I am shielded in my armor.
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock.
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain.
And an island never cries.

summer_06

christmas

please note the month.
yes, two months until christmas.
it is officially ok to listen to christmas music.
i have deemed it ok.
many great songs are played during the christmas season...and why only listen to them for a few short week? therefore, two months prior and one month after Christmas...it is legal to listen to your christmas cds. so, go dig in your boxes, pull out your tree if you wish, put those lights up, and get ready to celebrate during the hap-happiest season of all.

quote...

“Do you actually do
what you claim to believe?” “Show me that
you believe what you believe by what you
do.” And there is a radical disconnect
between what we say and what we do, and
they know it.
And it is time for us to stop saying, “Oh,
no, there’s not. Oh, no, there’s not. It’s
just them.” It’s time for us to say, “It is
us. The problem is us.” It is time for us
to say, “There is no justification; there
is no rationalization; there is no
explanation other than one, sin.” Anytime
there is division in the body of Christ, it
is sin. It’s time for us to stop playing
the blame game and to take responsibility.
‘Cause usually what we do in a situation
like that, is we want to know who’s right
and who’s wrong. We’re both wrong, and
nobody’s right. Whenever there is division
in the body of Christ, nobody wins. Nobody.
Even if the division is necessary. Even if
the division is because leaders of the
church have departed from the faith, and
they’ve given up the Trinity. Even then
division is painful and it is hurtful.

silly me.

so. yah, i don't know how to post pictures on this blog. nor do i know how to change my profile pic.

i realize...i'm not that great of a writer.
i realize...i'm pretty not motivated to study sometimes.
i realize...i don't like having a cold.
and...i'm pretty much procrastinating doing work right now.
i am slightly behind right now for my online studies.
opps.
um...i also am coming off a weekend that was great for my soul.
i feel like i am beginning to be myself again. was i not for all my time in ames? in some respects, no. i wasn't. isn't that sad? last night i had people over b/c miss debra was here to spend the weekend w/ me. you know what? i had fun. yes. fun. i laughed. i played games. i love my debra. fun just seeps from her pores....why can't i be fun like this? i'm glad God created her as he did. she's just simply amazing. i am missing her tonight. but, i realized it's worth it. even though i'm not sure when i'll see her again...and it pained my heart as she pulled away this morning.... that pain is worth the friendship that we have. the pain of being separated. i am thankful for her as a friend.

God...be near to me tonight. oh, may your truths penetrate the hearts of your children. we long to know you in deeper ways. may we hold to your commands and seek to obey you as your love fills us up. may your spirit guide us...may we say no to the desires of our flesh, but yes to your spirit. give us discernment. heal my broken heart......as only you can.

zoo_2006

zoo_2006

first samuel

i just read first samuel.
hmm. i kept getting saul and samuel confused. a bit of a difference.
i am taking this OT survey course...and i must admit it's a bit frustrating. the reading load is so much that i don't have time to really dig in and understand how the entire book is set up. it seems to me that the book repeats itself...and i have a difficult time getting it into a timeline in my head. like...david is appointed...but, then keep tending sheep. but, then he goes to saul and plays the harp...yet saul doesn't seem to know him in chapter 18 (17?) w/ Goliath. it all seems a bit confusing to me. i am sure materials exist which would help explain this....but, i can hardly get through all the regular readings...let alone study something else. am i complaining? maybe. but, my hearts not too upset. just, realizing how much there is to learn and how much i want to dig in. i really do. i can see myself isolating myself as i do this. i don't want to do that. how sweet it would be to study in community w/ others who are just as serious. hmmm....i guess that's what a bible study is, eh? ha. i'm so witty....aren't i?

i feel a freedom i haven't had.
i want to be attuned to the spirit. i want to deal w/ sin radically. i want to seek hard after God...and seek holiness. i want this to define my life. i want my fear of God to overwhelm me...(not fear of man).

i want to stop desiring what is NOT mine...

i got stuff inline for going to school next spring. i'm scared. it'd be way easier to stay here at home. i like it. it's super relaxing...but, maybe not the best option. i cried this weekend as i read some old emails.... i wrote about my family. i discussed how i longed to push them away b/c it would be easier to leave them if i wasn't so close to them emotionally. looking back at this statement...it nearly pains my heart that i nearly did that. i nearly left my family w/o having a close tie w/ them. breaking up w/ josh caused me to become closer w/ all members of my family (even extended). and now i live w/ my parents. it's been great....in the fact i feel and see their love for me. i will never doubt that my parents love me. (almost to my detriment at times..cuz i'm spoiled). i am so completely thankful for this special time to live w/ them. though...i know i do not want this my entire life. (though..it would be nice).

i think that my mom is my hero. i should save this for another post...b/c, i could go off on this for a long time. i'm just noticing so many awesome characteristics about me mom.

online class.

so. my classes are online.
it's pretty sweet.
i like um.
we have to post our assignments and everyone in the class can look at them, read them, critic them. people post questions/comments/clarifications. i'm glad everyone is Christian that does it. it's civilized and we are all seeking the truth...not trying to 'one up' each other. you ever been a part of a conversation like that? yah...not fun.

people in my class think i am 'a free spirit.' some guy commented that he wanted to read my thoughts b/c he knew i would come at it in a different direction. for some reason...that made me feel really nice and warm on the inside. i was super self concious uploading this last assignment and hoped no one would read it. but...people wanted to hear what i had to say! i dunno...it's this new experience for me. i kinda liked it when i was this 'nobody' that no one listend to or expected things from. i always met expectations that way. ya know what i'm saying?

the bible continually shows that God uses 'weak' people. these are peeps that don't expect much out of life. they are just going about their life...and being all righteous and loving God for his sake and not man's. (joseph...david...) they had nothing. and then God exalted them...and used them in powerful ways. i don't want to ever think i have something to offer apart from the work God has done in me. i want to stay on my knees and humble before the father....realizing that i am where i am at b/c of the grace and mercy he has showered upon me. he has given me the gift of discernment....and i feel wisdom at times. i don't want to think i earned this to my own laboring. it was a gift.

these are my thoughts. i hope this doens't sound proud...but, honest. i don't know how many people actually read this. it's more...just writing out my thoughts....they'll most likely change tomorrow.

ps...i'm choosing to be over josh. i realized i hadn't let go b/c i didnt want to. i still don't want to, but realize i want to return to that state of 'simplicity' where i don't ahve to impress anyone...i am not seeking anything....it's just me and God. it's so freeing! i can nearly say that i don't even want to be in a relationship. seriously.

i just wrote a paper for a class at dts.
i talked about this video.
check it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=05iM4FZFTyI

i like this one too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjtTGdhgjZY

These are two videos we showed at our english camp in ukraine the summer of 2005.
The songs have a special place in my heart cuz i watched them so many times.
i like um. after we showed them we split into discussion groups and talked about them. pretty sweet stuff. we also showed clips from movies. pretty sweet stuff.

like death.

it's like death.
you know when someone dies...and you find something funny. you're not sure if you should laugh or not...b/c it seems a bit disrespectful? or...sometimes you can see why something is funny but you have not the heart to laugh?

this is how i feel in life. I could see where it could be fun. but, at times i don't want to partcipate. and at times i dont' feel i should partcipate. if i have fun...i really have moved on.

look here guys. i am scared to move on! i don't want to. do i want to wallow in self-pity? it appears so. how silly am i. but, don't we all do this to a certain extent at some points?

i am ready to be done. i have said this alot. i have been called out on saying it too much. are my actions following? not yet. but, if i say it enough...they will follow.

hear ye hear ye....married people are NOT happier than single people. they aren't more fulfilled. they aren't better people. they aren't happier. they aren't loved by God more. those are all lies. in case you were wondering. (ok...so maybe they are happier...but, it's not BECAUSE they are married).

rise up you single people and stop feeling so down on yourself.
let's go have fun.
(i forgot how to...so, can someone please show me again).
i don't think i have had fun since my mom was diagnosed w/ cancer. that was the beginning of my serious streak. and...ever since then i've felt to be holy means to be tight-assed. no longer. i want to laugh. and be so full of Christ. i can take things seriously...and still be fun. i am confident of this.

here's to me being fun this week.

strain towards what is ahead.

i have many regrets... especially how last year went. but, i can't change anything. it's the way it is. and...this is the way life is now.

now...all i can do is strain towards what is ahead. seek God...come before him w/ an open heart and mind. ready to hear from him. ready to be corrected. to seek hard. that's the only thing i REALLY need to do in life. isn't that so simple?

argh...i read some notes i probably shouldn't have. i haven't allowed myself to read them...b/c i knew it would hurt. and it did. what an awesome encourager i had. and now no longer. i want to ask, 'what the heck is wrong w/ me?' but that's the wrong question.

i can see and know that God loves me. he is not concerned w/ my happiness. he wants something deeper. he wants me. now that is love. he wouldn't leave me where i was at. he wanted me to work through this hard stuff...so, i thank him for that. thank you.

but right now...my heart hurts. i wonder 'why'...and long for a 'retry.' daniel always says, 'try again ___' i want to 'try again relationship.' Jesus heals. do i believe it? i see how i am trying to run away...and close off my emotions. i left my intellecutal capacity open to learn...but it's not touching my heart. i see this in the lack of authentic and genuine prayer. that kills me to say. but, it's a confession to you guys that read this. i haven't been able to pinpoint why...but, my prayer life has sucked. and...that kills my energy and joy throughout the day.

here's to a better week.
~lp

b/c i don't want to.

i don't want to move on.
so i haven't.
i cling to some sort of hope.
it makes sense in my head.
i can live w/o being in a close relationship of the opposite sex.
i actually am beginning to prefer that in life as opposed to starting over w/ getting to knwo someone. you know why? b/c the difficulties i faced in my previous relationship are the same problems which will be faced in the next. maybe they will look a bit different...but, when it comes down to it...the same problems will be there. that frustrates/scares me. but, it also makes me think the ending of the previous relationship was in vain. it may seem neat and fun to meet a new person at first...and that you 'connect'...but, just wait. those frustrations WILL arise. i've never heard of a marriage that hasn't had them. it's just the way they are dealt w/ that are different. i don't think there is ONE right person for you in life. so...i know i could enter into a new relationship. but, the fact is i don't want to. you know how much a girl can change depending upon the guy she is w/? that's scary. i want to be me....and i want to be w/ a guy that pulls that out of me. i have felt this at times...i've felt encouraged to be more of who God made me to be...i loved that. i don't need that in life...but, it was sweet for the short time i had it. oh...that i would seek God...and find my joy in him. and pour into others in my life. allow me to laugh again...to let go of this hurt that runs so deeply in my heart right now. not for the sake of being friviolous...but, b/c, that's what you would have fun us as your children. forgive me for the way i've reacted as of lately father. i've almost run away from you...still learning more about you..but, not allowing you to penetrate my heart in the ways you desire of me.
my heart just hurts so much at times....
thanks that you are a God of healing.

what sparked this post...was that i am going through my room. i am looking at pics, and notes from the past few years. reminds me of the places i've been...emotionally, physically, spiritually. i am thankful for the ways God has shaped me...been faithful to me. a friend of mine called me out on it. i felt so blessed to be in relationship w/ someone i loved. it was fantastic. but, then it was ripped away from me. it's not like i am mad at God...but, just a bit set back and seeking hard to trust him w/ my whole heart again. i know life isn't about being married or having kids. i KNOW this. but, i desire a close relationship where i am understood and i can share my life/thoughts/desires...and just do the mundane in life together! and the joys of life together! and to invite others in to enjoy this as well.

so...that's it.
know that i sometimes just post when my heart is overflowing w/...hurt. if i sound depressed...i'm not really. i think i just have alot of deep hurt...and i can't make sense of it.

thanks.

i don't know how many people read this.
but, i felt prayed for. today was a much better day.
i felt like last night was another turn around in my life.
i want to believe truth....and not get wrapped up and consumed by things which don't matter. i don't want to cut my heart off from feeling things deeply. i'm not upset about 'loosing' the relationship... i have been hurt cuz i feel God took it away from me. why? can i trust God's protection in this? that he desire the best for me? for his name and renown which i say i desire? but...really...how ultimately i want what i want. dang.

may God continue to change my heart. i laughed and joked w/ my family tonight like i haven't in a long time. i felt more free to be myself. my old goofy, immature, silly self. i enjoy laughing. screw this serious crap. i want to laugh and enjoy the freedom i have in life!

dead.

i feel like i'm half dead. well...i feel as if i am not fully alive. i feel like a part of me died...when i came back from ukraine. and then...when my relationship w/ jb ended. when was the last time i felt completely free? excited? happy? some people think ukraine. but...it's not. i think it was the spring before i left. spring 2005. the team was being formed...'the conciousness.' i laughed. i went on campus and did 'free prayer' w/ friends. i didn't care if i was myself and who saw it. i had no idea what the future held for me. no desire to be w/ any guy cuz i saw none around i wanted to be w/. i was just myself. i laughed. i was quiet. i stayed up late...i read. i graduated. in ukraine i could focus on what i was doing. but had this longing that something was missing. i knew i didn't want to do something longterm ALONE. i felt a desire to be married. but....didn't foresee that in my future at all. then i come home and enter into this relationship w/ a guy who's awesome. cares about me...and pushes me forward in what i like...wants me to be bold in what i like/desire, etc. but..i'm so compeltely lost as i have no idea what i want in my future. i am frustrated...and feel boxed in being in a relationship and not knowing what the next step in life looks like. do i plan alone? or with this guy whom my heart longs to be w/? but...there's always this underlying feeling that things aren't right. why? i don't know. things weren't meshing. the relationship ends. i'm distraught. and...now...i still have no idea what for my future...and now no relationship. within the relationship...i began to feel encouraged...and cherished. i felt protected. i enjoyed that feeling. i felt more free to be myself at times. knowing i could make a mistake and not be left in the dirt. now...i don't have that security. i feel like any slight mistake...and i'm toast. i'm a loser. i have nothing good to say. i'm wasting my life. what crap. i'm believing lies right now....but, i'm having a hard time seeing what is true.

help me trust you now God. i want to be finished w/ this. i want to be alive again...but, i wonder if i ever can be. my heart was broken...and i don't know how to fix it. i think i have numbed myself off to the pain and hurt...but, sometimes i catch a glimpse of it again. and...it's still so painful.

you have my future. you have my life. i've no idea the next step...but, it's for you Father. Make me whole and alive. i enjoy feeling things deeply...but heal me. help me be whole again. i feel like part of my innocence was lost. i always thought i'd 'know' when i met the right guy....i never thought i'd have to do it twice. it hurts and angers me to think that has to occur again. sometimes i just want to throw in the towel on relationships. oh....fill me up w/ your love...that you would overflow out of me.

be w/ those women that have been raped in africa.....send someone to let them know there is a reason they are still alive. may they find hope in you! Redeem your people oh lord...

article.

Here is a great article by Raymond Chang, dealing with the needs for deep relationships. I grabbed this article from another blog...and it's originally taken from an article from relevant magazine...check it....any thoughts?

Life is all about the people we know and know us. There is nothing more important than those who will mourn at our funerals and be a significant part of our weddings and be present all the rest of the days of our lives. If you really take some time to think about it, relationships make and break experiences; they enhance our lives and give us a reason to wake up in the morning. Relationships are what life was made for.

and

One of the problems that I see today is that people don't have enough deep relationships. Some people have many "friends" or at least people they think are their friends, but often do not attain the highest level of friendship—that being intimate friendship. Many people do the bare minimum in terms of maintaining friendship, often times because they haven't experienced anything else and simply just don't know any better.


I completely agree....relationships are of the utmost importance. I think God speaks to us through other relationships...and they are such a gift from God. The one thing God saw that was NOT good...was that man was alone. Relationships....

clothes.

i don't really like clothes.
it's nice to be free sometimes.
that's why i like living alone.
i am free now.

friends.

i like my friends. i met/talked w/ a few of them recently. debra super cheers me up. roach and genevive are stellar peeps as well. i love you guys. thanks for speaking truth and living life w/ me. can't wait until we're all home.

full.

get out of america...and get checked back into reality.

we live in america...and think we have a divine right to security, stability, and health. this is not true for the majority in the rest of the world.

i'm pretty secure. i know food will be placed in front of me the next time the clock rolls around letting me know it's time to eat again. the bills will get paid... it's not really a question. if i get in any sort of trouble financially...i am certain my parents would be able to help me. dang....we are all spoiled little americans. we think the gov't should take care of us if we can't ourselves. we think we're entitled to sooo dang much.

i overused the word 'dang' in my last post. it was late. and i was upset. i just couldn't believe a movie was actually made w/ the premise that this one was. and john cusack was in it too! people enjoyed this film. didn't it make others feel like crap?? i'm off that soapbox.

this week at church we are having our mission conference. brad buser is speaking. it was pretty sweet tonight as he shared the story about how he shared the gospel with a tribe in papua new guinea. they were there 3 years before they ever started sharing from the bible. and then...it took them 5 months to build up to jesus christ...and then another 2 months to reach the DAY they shared about the death and resurrection of Jesus. at this point...they stopped. and all decisions made from that point weren't prompted. this was simply the response of the people after to listening to 7 months of teaching from Genesis 1-3...and a bit of the life of Jesus. it seems that these people that sat under this teaching had a fuller understanding of the gospel than we do as americans. they saw their depravity...and knew the deserved hell before God's plan of redemption through Christ was ever presented to them. they sat through many months without knowing the answer...not being able to see how they could get to the one who had created them. but, then the answer was revealed in Jesus. i think that's incredible. how sweet to hear this story...and think of the different people that long to hear this story...but no one to share w/ them.

i sat in the audience and cried. and this was before the thing started. i cried...b/c i want to go. but, i am scared. i don't want to go alone. and i am struggling to trust that God will provide for me if he desires for me to go. it's silly to go as a single female...isn't it? what the heck should i do w/ my life?

but..it's not about me. it's NOT! oh...that i would realize this! may i get out of america and get my thoughts readjusted. i don't ever want to be comfortable here. NO! please....God...don't let me get comfortable here. i want to be used for your purposes....wherever that leads me.

sharpen my brain to understand different cultures...and to understand the gospel within them. oh...give me that confidence in you.