naked + chocolate + jesus = outrage.

check it: nypost article.

questions.

i sometimes wonder why i am even here.

do i really love people?
or am i too caught up in myself?

will i be able to implement what i am learning here?
others are much better than me.
others are more fun to be with.

where do i fit into the scheme of things? in this life...?

will i move back to the midwest...? it'll be difficult after the weather out here. the midwest doesn't have much for me anymore.

one of my friends is struggling through just..adjusting to a new circumstance in life. where is our identify found? where we are from? what we do? who are parents are? the cultures we have been immersed in?

who are we? who am i? who are you?
we can't find our idenitity in what we do or have done. those things fade away. but, they are an important factor which helps one understand themselves. what's the role in experiences and identity? where do we find ourselves?

perhaps those that are married feel like they know themselves well. but, i wonder how different they would be if they weren't married. would they be similar...or drastically different? God uses different instances in our life to bring up different issues... i dunno.

my thoughts for the moment.
now back to studying.

advocate.

what i long for is someone to fight for me. to identify wrong thinking in my life...and to help me fight to live in the truth. i parallel these thoughts with those of hope. sometimes...i am so completely exhausted of fighting...and my hope is lost. that is when i need others to hope for me. others to encourage me and tell me that moving to California is a possibility. it's not selfish. it's not absurd. it's a good thing. that i can make it. that i am ready. hoping for others is sometimes easier than for yourself. it's difficult in certain situations to hope for yourself. you get lost in all the practicalities and loose the big picture. it's easier to focus upon the fundraising instead of the ways God's gifted you to serve overseas. or to see the weeks prior to departure instead of the fact you WILL be there eventually. it's easier to see the financial burdens rather than the investment. we need others in our life to hope for us. to encourage us. to stick with us.


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i've developed a sort of pessimistic attitude as of late. feeling like everyone is pretty dang selfish and simply looks out for number one despite their verbal pleas that this is not true. but, actions speak loud...and say more than words. (doing a book chart on james right now...thus, 'faith dead w/o deeds' theme is emerging here). i desire someone to stick w/ me...for me. and not b/c i have something to offer them. b/c i am going to fail them. disappoint them. i don't want to be scared of disappointing someone and thus loosing a relationship. i want others to extend to me a deep love...unconditional. perhaps this isn't possible this side of heaven...and why it takes me with complete surprise when i find love like that here and now. friends who listen and advise and love me...even though i have absolutely nothing to offer them. maybe...that's the kind of love that we are called to. this type of love speaks powerfully into a society of deeply hurting people who have been burned by others looking out for themselves. so...may we not be selfish...and may God reveal to us areas that we are...and be selfless lovers. friends. radical... not needing this from others, as we receive this type of radical love from our creator. as we receive that love each morning...let us turn around and pour it out into others in our lives.
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i am tired right now of fighting and trying to find that hope. i was thinking how i long someone to be in my life to fight for me. to offer me that hope. and...dang. how silly am i! i have an advocate for me! Jesus Christ. He serves as my advocate before God. It is through Jesus I am able to have a hope! I have someone fighting for me! longing for me to believe and cling to truth! the holy spirit is in me...reminding me of truth. i long to be open and to listen to what he is telling me about my life. how to hope when everything seems useless.

i need hope.
hope gives life.
may we not loose hope.
may we hope in things that are everlasting rather than temporal.
for temporal things will pass away.
hope deferred makes a heart sick.

so...hope for others in your life when they cannot hope for themselves.

sigh.

recently i realized what an incredible ride the last few months have been. but, have i dived in deeply to all that God would have for me during this time?


i feel guilty sometimes because i am not 'reaching out' to others around me. but...am i not? am i? maybe i am just feeling guilty for no reason... and i am reaching out to those in my life right now. but, maybe the 'right' people aren't in my life that i am reaching out to. maybe they aren't the 'needy' people. but...maybe they are. perhaps i am comparing my life now to an unhealthy style of life lived in previous years. years when i felt obligated to intentionality with others in my life. now...don't hear me wrong...i know that being intentional is important...but, i also think guilt drove me alot in past years. i didn't love others with a joy...but, simply an obligation. although...i think sometimes the obligation must be the kicker. what finally drives you out of your little comfort zone. but...i want to be out of my comfort zone without that pressure of guilt. i just want to be free and live life. so...right now...i am desiring to be faithful in the small things in life. to the relationships i currently have in my life. to be thankful for this time of deep rest.



yah. that's it. check out what i did this weekend. i felt guilty b/c i didn't feel like i deserved this. i remember different times in ukraine having a few days off...and just relaxing for a day. but...it was so sweet b/c we had been working so hard for so long! but...i didn't feel like i deserved such a break this time. but...can't i just enjoy it? and not feel guilty?

first bruce....now evan.

a new movie will enter theaters this summer featuring Steve Carrell, one of the stars of the hit nbc comedy, 'the office.'

my friend and i have discussed the concept of humor at length over the past week. what is funny? what is appropriate to laugh at? what is not? what is beneficial? what is not? is there a difference between mocking someone and teasing them? is joking around ever fine...? are some people too sensitive? who determines this? is it simply our own conciousness? should some people just lighten up? but...isn't joking about certain sin issues poor taste?

i think parts of the office are hilarious. other times i slightly squirm in my seat...when should the line be drawn? some of the humor of the office is fantastically witty...and i find myself laughing extensively. but, should i not engage in watching this show b/c of the few scenes which i may not find funny? perhaps. am i compromising by watching parts? am i just looking to others around me to justify my watching this sitcom? or...is it ok to lighten up a bit and laugh with friends at dwights silly antics? am i just being too serious to even think about this topic?

in any event. this new movie is coming out. and i think it looks funny. i am certain many in the 'christian world' will deem it irreverent...but...i'm not sure. i laughed much during the trailor when morgan freedom makes reference to the proverb: 'the fear of God is beginning of wisdom...' should i not have found that funny? i wonder what God thinks of all this...? it's obvious God has a sense of humor as he created us...and we find things funny.

a good definition of humor is the lack of consistency within certain arenas. things which lack continuity most humans find funny. and that's why across different cultures different things are funny. b/c...cultures and different and therefore the root of inconsistencies change.

these are my thoughts for the evening. overall...after all these conversations my heart is to be more lighthearted. to laugh more freely. everyone needs to laugh. life sucks... and we need to be able to laugh at ourselves. we need to keep a balance and keep tabs on what is going on in our heart...but, with the inability to laugh we would all fall into deep depression. so...go thee therefore and laugh. or...something.

sweet rd trip song. driving into the distance never to return....

i have liked this song for a few months now...and thought it was fitting for this period in my life. a perfect rd trip song...and then i found this video. seriously...crank it up while you are driving somewhere... music is pretty powerful. i'm so thankful God has given this outlet.

goodnight and go.

i like her style.
i like her voice.
i like the beat.

in the past...

24 - 2007 = california.
23 - 2006 = ukraine.
22 - 2005 = florida.
21 - 2004 = thailand.
20 - 2003 = iowa(?)

i wonder where i will be a year from now....

sigh.

i just finished another project. i have seven of these to do for one of my classes. the prof tried to scare us off the first day of class basically boasting he has one of the most difficult sections of this particular class. I honestly think the profs have some sort of poll to see who can get the most students to drop their class. our class was full the first day....but perhaps has dropped by 15 students or so. which is significant in grad school as you usually have to pay at least a portion of your tuition even after you drop a course. yes, a chunk of change. yes... i am paying to spend hours in the library. and yes...i am not out evangelizing and doing good deeds. and...yes, sometimes i feel guilty. but...should i? it seems as if we heap a bunch of 'shoulds' upon ourselves. someone once exclaimed to me, 'stop shoulding on yourself.' i think that's a pretty sweet rule. i can live by that. so...go, therefore, and stop shoulding on yourself.

i think i spent too much time in the library. if you'd like to see what i've been working on you can switch over to the other blog within this site entitled, 'notes.' it's my school work.

nearly one year ago i was setting out upon an adventure to ukraine. i cannot believe it was a year ago....as it really just feels like yesterday in many respects. What a fantastic time i spent those days in ukraine. i honestly didn't think i was going to make it back from that trip alive as the roads were iced over and snow fell and the drivers just seemed to speed up. one sunday afternoon a middle aged taxi cab driver dreove us about 3o minutes to the next town. the next day we find out she was in an accident and killed because of a mixture of bad weather and a drunk driver. incredible how God was protecting me and the guys i was with. i felt like that was the beginning of much healing in my life. i felt as if most of last year (from the time i got back from ukraine in 2005 until then) was just a period of uncertainity in my life. wondering if i should have gone to ukraine/jv fulltime....or if i was to go on to school...or if i was just chicken....or...really where my heart was even at. i questioned my giftings alot...my abilities to serve and love people. but, i went back to ukraine and met up w/ some amazing girls whom i had a few years history with. i realizaed i loved them...and i learned much from them as they opened their homes and hearts to me yet again. i kept a journal during my time there....it was such a special time which can't really even be shared adequately. but, it's interesting to reflect back to a year ago...and realize how different my life was. although....i am in the place i thought i would be at the time. but, i've taken a slightly different journey to get here. a little sidetracked back in ic w/ my little friend daniel...but i wouldn't have traded that time for anything. i needed his little love. it's late. i'm tired. i have a date with my roommate to read the bible together tomorrow morning outside in the sun. what could be better? yah...not much.

go rent that movie. your life could be good too.

molokai

it's pretty incredible to watch a movie and be challenged and moved to tears all in one setting. i just finished watching the father damien story. it was made in 2000 and retells the story of a catholic priest who gives his life to a colony of lepers in hawaii at the turn of the century. i can't suggest this movie too highly. firzt of all you really can see what it means to give your life for the sake of the gospel. father damien gave his life for the hurting and helpless....when others were too afraid to help.

could i love people like he did? would i volunteer to go to a place such at this? give up everything.... potential for family, for friends, for further education. would i?

what did those people feel like when they were placed aboard that ship because of a small spot found upon their bodies? as they waved good bye to their families....never to see them again. can you imagine? i honestly cannot.

it was interesting for me to see how father damien wasn't too worried about developing some sort of strategy to reach the people on the island. he just loved people. he touched them....when no one else would.

go rent this film....and then spend some time reflecting upon it....

peeps #2

please note that the list below of people.... i created it as i was curious to see how many people i have in my life who know me well. at times it's easy to feel lonely and as if no one cares. especially being so far away from everything familiar. but, i think those were lies that i was alone. so, i sat down and wrote out names of people who came to mind..people i've conversed with in the past few months who know wht's going on in my life. God uses community in our lives. relationships are important. just in case you were trying to decide i'll save you the trouble and just tell you that they are indeed important.

this ones for jen.....

funnies.

my roommate likes these. we sometimes watch them in the library and end up laughing out loud. people stare in disgust at us. they don't know what they are missing.

candy bar = analogy for trinity.

peeps.

debra.
lindsay.
marta.
jen t.
kendra.
jen l.
rachel.
hoefer.
andrea.
cassidy.
eric.
stacey.
adam.
ben.
johnson.
billy.
chris.
julie.
heather.
faith.
eunice.
kyunksook.
dannah.
rosie.
peeps in my life who know me well.
thanks God for people in my life.
i had a sweet conversation today with an old friend, ben. amazing. i am so thankful God loves us too much to leave us where we are at. yet drags us through much crap in order to purify us. isn't that odd? we have to get all crapified before we can know him better. is the extent to which you feel pain and are broken necceisarly related to how close you walk with God? i am beginning to wonder. you could begin to get a twisted view of God...and that only if life sucks does God love you. that's not true.
i went to a church service the other day which definitely draws the brokenhearted. it's almost if you aren't sad...your heart must not be right before God. but...in other places i've been if you don't have a smile on your face...you must not be right before God. wht's the balance? how do you cultivate a place for both of these types of people? how do you meet people where they are at? how do you grab people out of their pity parties and excite them to the joy they should have in Christ? but...sometimes a contrite spirit is what is right...and where one should be. how do you take one jubilant person and show them how having a broken spirit/humble before God is important just like dancing in joy before the throne? um...these questions don't have answers. and i didn't think before i started writing so i excercise the right to take back anything i said within this post.

occasional

sometimes i just post stuff to see who will respond. i like getting comments from you folks out there. so...keep um coming.

i'm thinking of reapplying to the ISF program. one downfall...i need another letter of reference. i'm tired of asking for people to write me references. eric....yours was so nice. could you make some crap up again for me? hmm....

i'm taking tesol course this summer with the intent to get a job next semester teaching english and making some fast cash. yes...i am exploiting the foreigner. i like them.

except...i don't think churches should go to mexico. that's just plain silly. i remain bitter. mexico? 1100? wha....?

also...i'm not sure how i feel about this.
i am fairly confident i don't think women should be pastors. but...i perhaps get slightly anxious when i hear about how woman can't really work within their natural giftings within the church. it just...doesn't sit well with me yet. perhaps...it's because i can more see myself as leading worship rather than preaching on a sunday morning. i know my gifting is not teaching...so...i have no problem stating that women shouldn't be pastors. but..yah. i dunno. i'm still processing.

mozart and the whale.

last night, to usher in my weekend, i watched a movie depicting two young adults with aspergers syndrome. i would recommend this family flick as it generates a few laughs and some thought concerning those with autism. i picked up the film because of my work with daniel. i miss that kid alot and have been thinking about him quite a bit. his family actually moved from the district this past month. it makes me sad to think i will not see that kid again. i really did love him. i loved the way he climbed up into my lap during nap time and just wanted to be held. given you had to continually be on your toes in case he decided to rip your glasses off your face, or spit, or grab hair incessantly. but....i felt like i got a lot of needed love from this special little kid. and....not special as in 'special needs.' but...special becuase he is completely unique. you could think the worst of him and actually think he was possessed because of how mean and cruel he could be. but, you could also see deep into his eyes his desire to please and to just gain attention. he just had no idea how to interact socially. he needed adults around him to give him direction and much needed structure. i learned much about myself and about life through working with him. so many analogies to God the father and us.... i'm sure i shared much of this before. but, it was just hitting me more as i watched the film last night. it made me wonder where daniel would be in ten or twenty years. i don't know if he'll be able to interact in society unless he gets some significant help in the next few years. that breaks me my heart. but, i think daniel will be dancing on the streets in heaven when God restores and redeems his mind and confused spirit. so, rent this movie....