let go.

poppies again.
i am slightly partial to these photos...as they are the few i took before my camera died.
personally....i am fond of the small dirt path that carves it's way through the orange.
i also like the last photo...b/c after getting the shot i lost my footing and fell down. i am that cool.

therapy.

a significant part of our program requires a deep looking into ones heart. i am not simply talking about a superficial understanding of what you think is going on....but, an incredibly depth...lovingly referred to as the 'cauldron.'

sometimes, i don't want to penetrate into this depth. i run away from the things which will help me dive deeply into this unknown. it's like in lost...when Charlie has to dive down into the station out in the water and desmond ties this thing around his waste to help him quickly sink to the station at the bottom of the ocean floor? yah....i want to take off those weights which will help me dive faster and simply flounder up on the surface w/ occasional half-hearted attempts to delve into the deep. what is in the cauldron? i'm not sure. the greatest fear is that nothing is there. but, the ultimate truth is that God is there. but, it's easier to simply flounder on the surface and verbalize our belief that God is in the depths. it's a whole other thing to dive into that deep and experience him.

but what if we do? and what if he's there? what if we experience him? what if we stop thinking we've arrived in this life....and really begin to experience God in our life?

i entitled this entry as 'therapy.' i have begun meeting with a therapist in the past week. i must admit we haven't really addressed the things in life i thought we'd address (although it's only been two sessions). however, it has actually been refreshing. i am a firm believer that everyone should get some good counseling sometime in their life to help them dive a bit deeper into their hearts and expose some well-grounded lies. i have already identified a few key things in my life which, for years, i had believed as the ultimate truth. ...but what if these things were not true? when did this wrong thinking begin? what if someone actually sat and listened to what i had to say? what if i had something to say? what if wounds were exposed that needed healing? what if lies were uncovered? what if i were able to actually verbalize and own those repressed emotions? what of those emotions emerged actually emerged? whatever comes out of my heart....is already there now. it's just so deeply buried in that cauldron that it's unseen by most. that's why i like floating on the surface in the warm sun. but, i know in my heart that i am being beckoned deeper below the surface.... to the unknown. to an experience i cannot control. to a person i cannot control.

these are my thoughts for the evening.

trouble.

i have trouble actually going to bed.

i don't want to go to therapy tomorrow.
stop making me talk about stuff.
i've developed fantastic coping mechanisms!
see me cope.

the outting.

these are the state flowers of california. aren't they beautiful? of course i like them because they are orange. because the trip to las vegas got canned due to our busy schedules...we decided to make a small trip on our break to a near by poppy reserve. it was a fun outting with many laughs. honestly...some of the best times were taking random pictures. it was incredibly windy...and my wussy friends thought it was cold. some of the highlights include kyungsook thinking that everyone and their mom was going to the poppy reserve....when in reality all the cars were turning into six flags theme park. she also thought her stomach hurt because she ate her food when it was cold outside. and....i couldn't hold it in and laughed out loud at this. mostly because...it wasn't that cold. and...also because i have never heard of someones digestion being messed up b/c of eating in 'cold' conditions. in any event...the entire day was fun. it was only a two hour drive into these wonderful fields of opium. i am really going to miss living with these girls next year. tear.

this is the crew that went. eunice, faith, kyungsook and me. we're a pretty fun group.

these are the fields. i liked to run up and down the trails skipping and singing. i think the others on the trail enjoyed this as well.

more poppy time.

i need help. let's be honest.

i am saving kyungsook..... see my cape?

joyous.

poppies!

ks was slightly nervous about rattlesnakes. and then she laughed at this article where a small child got bitten by one of these posionous snakes. evil ks! look at her left eye....it's going crazy.

overlooking the poppies.

me trying to be a flower. i think i look like one. i am blooming....

the roommates are a flower...but, we must work together.

go west!

west high wins state again!
go west! we rule!
totally better than city.
wouldn't take much though. :P

disney

today is the start of the missions conference at biola university. this means...NO CLASSES. basically....i could go over to campus right now and hear alot of good speakers discuss how the world needs to be reached...(b/c if only we were doing our jobs the end would come), however, today i went and played with one of my roomies, eunice. the fun began by eating at the olive garden (thanks to a generous bday gift certificate from my parents). and then we got our disney on. we went to the aladdin show at california adventure and saw aladdin woo his princess to a whole new world, and then we watched the new pixar parade. that's the only thing i took pics of...b/c, well, i've seen everything else. i wanted to show my family what they were missing. plus, i thought abbie would like the car alot. :) anywho...i thought i'd post a few. just for the heck of it.


eunice....awaiting the parade to begin. she was pooped.

we got abbie a mr. potato head for a 'big sister' present....i think i'd be scared if i were a kid and saw a gigantic plastic figure with it's arms sticking out walking straight towards me...but, whatever.

if i were to be in the parade...i would totally like to be this character. how fantastic!

wee.

the wee hours of the morning do make the defenses weaken.
the defense mechanisms that help you repress certain thoughts are no longer readily available as you lay awake on your bed. perhaps that is why i stay up late with attempts to busy myself so i can tire myself with the hopes to loose consciousness before my head hits the pillow. if i cannot...it is extremely dangerous. who knows where my mind could wander to. but alas. the God is within those thoughts...and knows the deepest things i don't even want to think of. i think that's suppose to be a comfort. sometimes it is. depends on the hour and the tiredness factor.

my bday.

my bday was in march. i had a few small gatherings to celebrate the event. i went to sushi w/ some friends, and then those with passes went to disneyland. i also went with my roommates to a place on the beach to eat dinner. the past few months i have realized how incredibly blessed i am as evidenced by the people around me. to think...that i knew no one out here a little over a year ago! and now i have a network of people that i really enjoy. i am just loving people right now and all the intricacies that they bring to life. how God has made each one of us unique, and we also have a variety of experiences. but these are woven together in such a beauty! it's interesting to note that...even though surrounded by people that you love and feel loved....you can still feel a loneliness. i think that's a gift...to remind us that what we are searching for will not be found in others. if we didn't recognize that loneliness...we would think that we have arrived. but...we haven't arrived. not yet.... not yet....



lorin, me, pat, wes, monte, june, faith, melody


june, faith, melody, johnny, me, julie, jenny.
melody, me, wes, johnny


MICKEY! faith, julie, ernice, me, MINNIE, melody
my past and future roommates! next year i will live with melody and julie.


my good friend eunice (whom i call ernice) got me a stellar hat from disney for my bday! it's pretty sweet. i'm a pirate....but i am goofy. figure that one out. i love it! i love her!

pictures.

my family went to visit my grandparents up in minnesota. they hadn't seen jonah yet.



this is my uncle roger and his granddaughter. she is so much fun to play with. i like her alot.


i think my gma liked jonah. although, i heard she kept calling him a 'she.' my grandpa would correct her every time. that man...is the best. such a gentle, yet strong, Godly man.


Abbie's turn to fly through the air! (i picked out her pants! aren't they cute?)

i'll punch you in the face.

anger. frustration. confusion. those are the words to describe my feelings this afternoon as i sat in the darkened theater watching, "the bucket list." you know the movie....? with morgan freeman and jack nicholson? the basic of the premise lies with the eminent death of both parties. they were strangers at first....friendship was formed simply b/c they shared the same hospital room. during their stay they create a list of the top ten things to accomplish before they 'kick the bucket.' one of the dudes is nasty rich, but incredibly alone. the other has worked hard his entire life to support his family. the beginning of the film depicts both individuals sickness. them being in the hospital...and getting sick. and receiving treatment. and getting sick b/c of the treatment. they are puking their guts out. their heads are shaved for surgery. they find out they only have six months to live (maybe). and, do you know what some people in the movie audience were doing? laughing. like...belly-outloud-laughing. why? i have no clue. but, it was incredible. these things were not funny in the least. it's a reality that many face at this very moment....or unknowingly will face in the upcoming months! i was appalled. am i too much of a feeler? perhaps. but, i guess i am more disgusted at how much of a consumer culture we are. we go into a movie and expect entertainment. we expect to laugh. so, we laugh at things. even when completely inappropriate. we have an inability to discern what is funny and what is not. i know that individuals have different humor styles....but, honestly. puking after one receives chemo is not funny.... and i am fairly sure the director didn't intend for it to be funny. it's almost like the audience didn't know how to receive this film where comedy and reality were so easily intertwined. i guess i wanted to punch the individuals in the face and yell, 'who's laughing now....' perhaps they have never watched someone wrestle with the deadly disease. anywho....i think the movie is worth a watch. perhaps in a less full theater.

dreams.

i had a dream last night. vivid dreams. odd dreams. a random guy from my past picked me up and started driving me around quickly. he was divulging his heart hurridly to me concerning many matters. i felt as if our friendship had to be secret...and that we were doing something wrong as we drove quickly through the darkened skies. i was upset with him because he hadn't talked with me in sometime...and yet began to quickly pour out his heart to me evoking a response within me. but, i never told him i was upset. i simply allowed him to share his heart with me and i responded to him compassionately. i don't know how to turn compassion off. must we? is there a line to be drawn? is there a time when we put down our foot and say that a deepening of the friendship, or even the existence of a friendship, is unhealthy? i am such a pushover and enter into situations which i feel as if i am used. but, am i being used? is it ok to be used?

i think it's ok to be used...if it's for God's purposes. or, is this just messed up thinking? i am not even sure anymore. all i know is...that i was sad when the guy dropped me back off. he told me that he would see me again soon...but, my heart broke as i stepped out of his car. i knew that the next time i would see him would be when he needed someone to divulge his heart to. no one else in his life played that role....but, i play that role nicely. in some odd ways i gain a warped sense of satisfaction from carrying others hurts in this way. in another way i am angry b/c no one pursues and cares for me. but, does this make me selfish to long for this? am i just to be used? is that my calling? is this simply my wrong self-perception? i feel as if i must carry others burdens around? why do i feel them...are they mine to carry? how do we just lay them down at the cross so no one has to carry them? what does that look like? do i even make sense? sometimes it's ok that i don't. it's just a blog....