shtuff.

it's been awhile since i really blogged. about the good stuff. mostly b/c i no longer have good tabs upon who is reading this. i don't know my audience. but, who am i really writing this for? what is written here is not really a secret. so...i shall share. writing gives me an outlet for certain thoughts/feelings that need to be expressed. this was reiterated throughout the three week.

alot has gone on deep in this heart of mine the past few weeks. ...so much that i am at times overwhelmed with where to begin in understanding. so...i allow myself to become numb.

since coming back from the retreat i feel like my mind has slowly become more and more cluttered. that serenity that began... and that emptying of myself which began during the extended time of solitude was quickly reversed. it took so long for that to begin and that peacefulness to develop. and now...i'm right back in the throng of things to do... and things i feel i SHOULD do. it's the valley of SHOULDS that i walk through. that peace is quickly ripped away.

3 weeks is really not that long if you think about it. yes...at first it seemed like a long time. in the midst of it, it felt like a long time. but...it's not. but we fill our lives with so much... that we value our time so incredibly much that thinking of doing NOTHING for just a few hours boggles our minds. but...what of DAYS in a row without anything "productive" to do? where would your mind wander? how would you get those minutes and hours to pass? would you want them to? would you want them to be longer? would you have things to think about? things you want to think about? or...things you just want to run away from? how would you distract yourself when all the familiar distractions are removed? no books. no music. no tv. no movies. no cell phone. no computer. no people. no exercising. no real chores. just...you. a pen. a paper. some water. a chair and an amazing view of the bay and mt. rainer.

what happened during that time? did anything? am i changed? was it a waste? i sometimes find myself missing the guy i met with every morning at 5:50am. at first i despised the man who sat behind me out of sight and forced me to lay down and talk about things. but....after nearly a week of torture the pain began to lessen as he began to interact and engage me. it was as if... the removal of interaction with another increased the impact of the felt experience of the other. um... i'm trying to articulate how the actual interaction with this older gentleman was more appreciated b/c i had so deeply felt his absence. i may not have noticed how much that distance between us (his silence) was effecting me, until that distance was erased by his active removal of it. it's like....when he left me simply laying on the couch w/ all my inner turmoil to sort through...i felt the pain and emptiness. it's representative of how i often feel in life. aloneness. emptiness. i struggle in wondering if anyone cares or listens. i know SOMEONE does care....(God)....but do i really experience this? no..... not really. b/c.....when the therapist moved into my vision and made his presence known...it was a FELT difference. i didn't feel alone. i felt like he wanted to hear me. i wanted to open more. i wasn't fighting myself to open up anymore...it just occurred.

i often fight myself to really believe the truth. like...if understood enough theology.... or understood this certain bible passage... or grasped this certain doctrine.... if i close my eyes and believe hard enough, then something will change. but a fight continues deeper within me. and a small part of me dies as i continue to ignore that pain of loneliness and wonderment if God is really there or if i am alone. but, maybe that loneliness is a real feeling that shouldn't be ignored. not that it's TRUE...but, it's TRULY how i feel. me simply ignoring it and getting angry at myself for feeling that way is not beneficial at all. that anger at myself causes even more turmoil on the inside....which causes me to increasingly feel alone and distant.

when that guy moved across the great barrier between us...i felt something. it felt different. nothing had really changed. he still cared about me just as much and listened to me just as intently. but...the difference was within me and my understanding of the situation. and you know who had to cross that barrier first? the other guy. you know why? b/c he created the distance in the first place, and he therefore and the right to break the separation. the separation was really for my benefit and his respect of me during the time of exploring different issues of my life. but, it came to a point where God didn't want me to struggle in that process alone anymore...and he felt the barrier needed to be crossed. what a gift that experience was.... of feeling completely and utterly alone, but then to have that painful torture removed as eye contact was made and lives were shared.

it gives me a better picture of God in many ways. b/c, i do often feel like he's distant and far away. and i get angry at myself and rationalize my way out. but, i am working for something that i cannot change. it's really God that will reveal himself to us. all we can do is be open to those moments.... however often they occur. and...i am beginning to feel as if they occur more then i even dare to imagine currently.

the three week retreat was life changing for me...even though i sometimes doubt it. i know it was. many gifts were given to me throughout that sacred time. and...perhaps some gifts that will not be opened until later down the road. but, seeds were planted. wounds were dug into...but healing began. a hope was offered.... and i didn't have to simply fight to put it on this time. i pray i would not quickly forget these lessons. but, alas, i have one with me who will continue to remind me and deepen these things begun within me.

thanks to all who prayed form me during this time.

someone else's thoughts on "the shack"

here is a response on a blog concerning the big hype over, "the shack."

The fuss over The Shack is coming mostly, it would seem to me, from the "very Reformed" side of the church aisle (Colson excepted). Could it be the criticism is not really about some supposed heresy (a very, very silly and specious charge) as it is about sytematics? These dogma-driven theological bullies can't stand to see a popular book that connects with normal Christians that has the audacity to be written from a more "Wesleyan" understanding of God's sovereignty. These Reformed front guard seem to be on a personal mission to denounce anything that does not conform to their narrow and sometimes neo-gnostic ideas of theology ("You must accept all of our secret codes, and only then will you really be able to understand the Bible."). I want to be loving and charitable with my brothers and sisters in Christ, but the Reformedism chant and mantra grates on my spirit. The Shack is just one more non-Reformed target for their acrimony.

I'm a 50-something, seminary-trained, conservative evangelical. I'm an analytical Biblical theologian. I read The Shack expecting to be disappointed. I was not. It's a great story. There is no heresy. It's encouraging and spiritually uplifting, and presents through artistic license a very compelling literary picture of the trinity and a comprehensible explanation of God's sovereignty. The critics you mentioned don't like anything that smacks of Wesleyan doctrine, and will reject and criticize it out of hand. The Reformedites can gather their band of critics and negativists. I, for one, hope The Shack gets a much wider audience. People need a hopeful picture of the personal and loving God who is sovereign in their lives, not a cold credalism that offers little more than a conforming frown. (from here)

I post this simply b/c i think it's well put. someone wondered my thoughts upon this book...i assume b/c of the major i am pursuing at talbot. i was actually surprised that certain individuals were not keen on this book...but were actually upset at the supposed doctrinal issues which were raised within the pages. honestly...i am getting perturbed that everything has to be pulled apart meticulously so it is aligned within the bounds of evangelical thought. i could barely hold in a groan when the pastor stated that one must open up the Word of God in order to discern if the dream they believe God has given them for their life is right. seriously? is the Bible going to tell me to continue down this certain path of education? ....trick question i suppose. but, you hear that from the pulpit every week and it begins to get frustrating b/c you are left never really knowing b/c it seems like the Bible doesn't actually address the issues you are facing. so...eventually your frustration leads to apathy...and your apathy leads to mere acceptance of the status quo of life. of the Christian life. instead of exploring a vibrant relationship w/ a living being...your passion is smushed as you attempt to discern if it aligns completely with God's word. so, i am skating on thin ice here. i do feel it. i am not chucking out the Bible...although at times it seems i want to. but, i am saying there is MORE. and...we shouldn't be scared of what that MORE could look like.

I have included the original post below. it gives you a bit of insight into the hype.

Several conservative Protestant heavyweights--Al Mohler, Chuck Colson, Mark Driscoll, and influential blogger Tim Challies--have sounded off on the dangers of The Shack's vision of God, salvation, and the Church, creating a quartet of caution for the casual Christian reader. These strong cautions are all the more notable in light of the over-the-top endorsement from one of evangelicalism's most respected spiritual sages, Eugene Peterson, which is featured on the book's back cover.

Among other things, this growing backlash broaches important questions about the proper relationship between art, theology, and the Church for evangelicals and their close kin. What does it mean for artists to be faithful to the confessional Christian traditions and communities of which they are a part, especially that largest of communions--the communion of the saints across time, space, and tradition? If we regard the Nicene Creed as a shared expression of that broad communion, what does it mean for an artist, perhaps a writer such as William Young, to be faithful to that confession?

Switching directions, we must also ask what it means for Christian traditions and communities to be faithful to artists and their craft. This, too, is a theological question: How does the Church show good faith toward those sub-creators in God's human economy whose very creative inclinations are evidence that they bear the image of a God who delights in creating? Making a place for art and the artist is a way of affirming the human and creational pattern that the Christian God calls "very good."

My hunch is that we probably see a failure to keep faith on both sides here, and that it would be a good thing for all of God's Church to discuss the when's, where's, why's, and how's of our mutual infidelities.

Along the way we might also want to pause to think about what the phenomenal grassroots popularity of an iconoclastic novel such as The Shack--1.1 million copies in print, 500,000 more to be printed in June, UK rights just purchased--tells us about the attitudes and pastoral realities churches must reckon with on the ground.

just wanted to keep ya'll in the loop.

a bit about the 3wk. enough to hold you over for awhile.

this is the house i stayed in for 3 wks.

i slept on the floor of this room. mt. rainer is off to the left. you can't see it on this day. but, it made for beautiful sunrises and sunsets. trust me. i saw them all.

this is the sweet staircase up to the loft area. i liked it alot.

this is the downstairs. i didn't spend much time here at all. it scared me. i preferred to be up higher overlooking the bay.

intensive journey inward.

that's what the retreat is entitled. it was fairly intense. stayed at this house. alone. i had flashbacks of all the scary movies that ever were placed before my eyes. even scary commercials or tv shows. things i thought i was completely immune to. let me tell you this....YOU'RE NOT. it comes back to you. i could totally freak myself out and think that people were watching me. it didn't help that whenever the water turned on you could hear it running through the pipes underneath the floor. i could vividly imagine hands shooting up through the floorboards and grabbing my legs and pulling me down. i slept at the top of this amazing little house....here's a picture to give you a glimpse of what i am talking about. i slept in the master bedroom the first day...and then decided it was too big. i was used to sleeping on the floor underneath my bed in a cavelike area....so an entirely open room on an actually bed felt completely awkward. so...i volunteered to sleep on the floor in the highest point in the house. i would lay awake and imagine an assasin running up the two flights of stairs and busting into my room and pointing a gun at me. i formulated escape plans in my spare time. and then i spent the rest of the time trying to reason myself out of all these imagined disasters. seriously...who would want to kill me? there was absolutely nothing in the house of value except my mint oreo cookies....and my favorite blue pen. really...no reason for someone to desire to kill me. but, then there was the fact i was a girl and therefore inevitably have something guys want. so says the media. yes....this is indeed how my mind works. i wondered if this was simply how all people felt when they were alone...or specific to girls. and...actually...i don't think guys get as scared as us girls about being mugged, killed, attacked....however you want to describe it. i probably developed a few ulcers because i was worried about my safety during my time of the retreat. and then...it wasn't just physical safety...i would begin to worry about the much more powerful spiritual realm and how busy the atmosphere must have been around me during that time. that freaked me out to. i had flashbacks to thailand alot... and thought about what happened during my time there quite a bit. i figured these thoughts were simply attempting to distract me from focusing upon other "good" stuff. so...i spent some time feeling guilty that i was so scared because that seems to reveal my lack of trust in God's care for me. it also shows how much i've let other things impact me. it reveals how out of control of myself i actually am. i couldn't keep my heart from skipping beats...and my stomach from jumping into my mouth at the slightest sound. what was God trying to show me within that fear? should i feel guilty that i didn't trust him enough? that's my usual route. feel guilty. then get angry at myself b/c i can't control this irrational fear. the anger at myself turns inward and throws me into a perpetual cycle of guilt which results in a slightly depressed mood. the peace came when i opened up and embraced this fear as legit. i mean...i was in this town where i knew absolutely no one, a female, alone, in a strange house being put through some intense issues to sort through. and...the fact was that i had some fear. i can't deny that feeling...so, why was i trying? my mind is constantly working overtime to move me away from certain feelings. i rationalize. it's what i do. it's how i learned to function and cope with things. this is a fantastic way to cope at times...and it's amazing that our minds are capable. but, what if we just looked at the feelings to see where those led us? instead of trying to rid ourself of certain feelings...what if we just embraced the reality that they exist. stop ourselves from attempting to "figure it out" and just...be. can we just feel? should we just feel?
i don't know. i just ask questions. i don't have alot of answers. i just wonder. i like wondering. i wonder why that is....

another thing...

no dog...then i want a scooter. 100mpg. that's what i'm talking about. 65+mph. yup. maybe an orange one.

the shack

"trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. because you do not know that i love you, you cannot trust me."

"i don't know how to change that."

"you can't, not alone. But together we will watch that change take place. For now i want you to be with me and discover that our relationship is not about performance or you having to please me. You cannot find that through guilt or condemnation or coercion, only through a relationship of love. And i do love you."

this is an excerpt from "The Shack" by William Young. The book was given to me by an older brother in Christ. i found the book to be an extraordinary glimpse into the heart of one as they openly wrestle with many questions Christians ask themselves today.... Or even questions i've asked myself and sometimes felt alone (0r wrong) in asking.

don't read up on the book before picking it up.... just open it up and snuggle up with a blanket and a cup of tea. honestly....a few tears slipped out as i read the book. tears of sadness...of joy....of hope. perhaps it was because my heart was tender as i left the time of solitude and silence. perhaps. but perhaps something deeper was moving within me. it was touching places that had been stirred up in the time of retreat.

i found this book refreshing to my heart, which often feels alone and disconnected from God and others. it was a sweet break from books which seem to be yelling at me and telling me how things should be done and heaping guilt upon me b/c i haven't done it yet.