tear.

i feel selfish.
for choosing to do something i want to do.
for moving to california.

i told my friend daniel that i would be gone for awhile.
that i would be moving to california.
that i would be living in california.

**cute little russian accent**
'why you go to california?'
'i be bad when you gone.'
'how many seconds you be gone?'
'let's go to california tomorrow.'
'why your school in california.'
'what must i do for you to stay.'

my heart was yanked out. another kid cuddled up to me last week and said, ' i love you liz.' this wasn't prompted...this guy doesn't know i'm leaving and i didn't have m&m's in my pocket. i don't think i ever had anyone tell me that apart from my family and closer friends.

why am i leaving?
but, then i met with a friend tonight who works in a similar situation as i. she reminded me that these kids can't become dependent on one person. it'll be good for my guy to learn to interact with another adult. it's good i understand his little antics...but, i might start hindering his growth in some aspects because i could enable him. i feel responsible to my little guy... he's grown so much in this past year. i feel like i'm giving up on him. i wonder how fathers can walk out on their kids. cuz, that's what i feel like i'm doing to daniel. but, i would have to leave sometime. either now or four months.

but...perhaps i am selfish for choosing now and not four months. why am i going now instead of summer or next spring? i don't have an answer. it's my choice. i am leaving these kids because of my choice. dang.

tomorrow is my last day.
this job...i shall miss dearly.
i will not soon forget my time at van allen.
these kids have taught me much.

where the heck....

if you are one of the two who consistently check my blog...you may have wondered why it's been awhile since i have posted. a few different reasons could be used to explain. the first...is that i didn't want to. i felt i had nothing important to say...or anything i felt worth sharing publically. another reason was because i felt near death at one point due to a nasty case of strep. i was actually up in minneapolis visiting my grandma in the rehab center (not drug rehab)... when i came down with this high fever. i was trying to be strong and act like nothing was wrong...but, alas i succombed to laying in bed shivering. it made for an awfully long trip home. my mom wouldn't let me turn the heat up or cover up with a blanket. i was too weak to be mad. but, got me some drugs...and missed me some work and i'm doing much better now. it was scary for awhile as they tossed around the idea of mono...but, i tested negative. an answer to prayer. b/c...if i were to have mono it would be difficult to determine if i should move to CA.

but...i am still going. i leave iowa next monday. i really am excited to leave...and to begin again. i feel so far away from ames...and like all of last year was a dream. it didn't really happen. but, i guess i am always like that. wherever i am...that's my reality. when you're overseas it's hard to remember what america/home is like. but, once you're back you fall quickly back into routine. so...i've fallen into routine here in iowa city. worked through a lot of difficult stuff from the past year. i realized that i held much heartache over ukraine/thailand stuff through last year and into this year. i needed a period of...transition. and i didn't take it once i arrived home from my last summer in ukraine in 2005. i jumped right into life...and...got consumed. God did his work in my life. i'm not doubting that in the least. i am thankful for everything that happened. but, i did cause myself some unneccesary heartache in the process. did you know i went to ukraine the summer of 2005 to determine if i wanted to do fulltime stuff w/ JV? yah. and...then i come back and get settled here and feel the weight of the lostness of the rest of the world fall upon my shoulders.

i bucked at it...and didn'tw ant to be known as the chick that was the overseas person. i know nothing. i am nothing. yet, i still wanted to be recognized. there was lots of pride locked up inside my heart....and that pride turned to bitterness. and ... dang that manifested itself in many gross ways. but, through tears...frustrations...insecurity...quietness. i just needed someone to come alongside and listen during that time. and...i had someone that understood me...but, did i trun to Him during that time? the one that knew my heart without me even trying to explain. i didn't. i ran. i let my frustrations continue to fester. this hurt my wavering relationships with others. many have remained strong...and mostly with those whom i have gone overseas with. lindsay. marta. jen. debra. they know me. the good...the bad...and the one with grace heaped upon her.

um...more later. i'm going to get my hair cut, and to dinner and a movie with my mom and kathy. much love to you my friend, debra. thanks for being steady for me and loving me.

~lp

fav show.

before the office...this was my favorite show.
if any of you out there knew me in highschool....you were aware of the 'ed parties' which took place to watch this awesome show. i even got a stuckey bowl shirt w/ ed's name on it. sweet.

one week.

nearly one week ago as our family arrived home from minneapolis the call came that Gary went home to be with the Lord. my parents went over to be with kathy and the kids. they talked, prayed and cried. could it be just one week ago? since that time hundreds have flown into iowa city to attend the visitation and funeral. arrangements were made for the visitation and funeral. flowers were sent and already wilted. only a few weeks ago we thought Gary was on the up and up as he got his gall bladder removed. but, alas, the myeloma had returned in full force. so much has changed within one week. kathy's house is emptied of family. both her kids and her grandchild. it's quiet. it's nearly impossible to imagine he is actually gone. it seems like he'll drive up in any moment... he was just away on vacation. he'll walk in with that smile of his that lit up the room. but...alas. he will not.

he's in a much better place. but, it's sad for those left behind. but what joy does kathy possess. she's laughing, joking, smiling. i pray that her heart isn't just wilting on the inside...but her sadness remains healthy. oh, that our hope would be in what is to come. thank you for the blessings you have given us. but, may we love you, the creator, more than the blessings. hold us close when our hearts are breaking. thank you for saving us. may we live each day to the fullest... show us what this looks like.

new years stuff.

so. a new year...which obviously points to new beginnings.
i'm moving to a new place in a few weeks...so this will again be a chance for new beginnings.
for this i am excited.

this year....i want to be more disciplined. in the small things.
i am going to memorize chunks of the bible...and set small goals to memorize larger portions of the Bible. Perhaps I will begin with one chapter a month. that's not much at all, as it will only allow me to memorize 12 chapters in one year. that's nothing! but, a good start. i find that i can recall like...10 verses now when encountering life situations. i want that to expand as i learn and meditate on more of God's word. Perhaps 12 chapters doesn't seem much. but, in two years i will know 24, and then 36.... and that's getting to be more. that will amount to around one verse for every two days. that shouldn't be too difficult.

as i begin my studies at talbot, i want to maintain the more personal/experiential/emotional capacity of my life. i don't want my brain to simply explode with knowledge...but, i want my development to be balanced. i also want to develop my abilities to rationalize and think clearly. i don't want to simply regurgitate what my professors says. this is how i got through college....but, i dont' want to do that. i want to think critically and expreses myself well. i want ot work hard....and thus, i come back to the my desire to be more disciplined this semester.

to balance friends, responsibilities, fun, school....

these are my new years ideals.

all i can say is that i had a fantastic evening hanging out with some really good friends that love me much. thanks guys.

happy new year.

a present for you....

if i had alot of money....i would buy you each this book. but, no worries. you can read it right here for free. and...it only takes a few minutes to read the whole thing. but, read....and be encouraged. may we live the gospel each day.