anger.

i am getting in touch w/ some anger.
it's good.
especially b/c the sun is already down.

sleep evades.

i cannot sleep. i don't want to sleep. it's those moments before i loose conciousness that my mind wanders extensively. i am scared to where it may wander. what is going on within the deep? what is trying to emerge from within my soul?

i soon depart on my three week retreat. i am scared. i am not alone much in my life anymore. living in a house with five girls makes this nearly impossible. especially w/ girls that i really enjoy spending time with.

next year i shall graduate. when i graduated undergrad....i had few friends with whom i was sad to leave. it was pretty dull, honestly. yesterday i went to graduation and was excited for my friends that walked across the stage. i genuinely yelled and screamed for them as their name was called. the cowbell was rung with vigor. next year....many of my friends will graduate with me (Lord willing). i will part ways with many people that have become close friends. yes....close and real friends. the kind of friendship i experienced with only one or two back in ames.

i cannot believe that four years of my life were spent in ames, iowa. in the ways that they were spent. so...alone and unheard and misunderstood. how sad and lonely this time actually was. it makes me bitter and angry at the people that i knew at that time. i have an anxious feeling in my stomach at the thought of returning to a place i feel isn't freeing....but hindering to my soul. i do not have to return...but, it's a wonderment to me as to why i have such averse feelings to such a place.

this is why i must tire myself out prior to shutting off the light and the computer and the music....b/c it's in the quiet of the night my mind wanders and the tears fall. for things which i thought were...but were not. for the lonelieness which was....but the fortitude which pushed me forward. for the gracious God that has directed me to this community of understanding and encouragement. honestly....i cannot imagine it getting much better than this. this is why i do not want to graduate next year. this place is safe. and warm. and loving. and real. and freeing. such a place i have only fought for before.....but never experienced.

thoughts on dark nights...my style.

merton in 'no man is an island': God, who is everywhere, never leaves us. yet He seems sometimes to be present, sometimes absent. If we do not know Him well, we do not realize that He may be more present to us when He is absent than when he is present.

We learn much about dark nights in our program here. i actually have a test on it soon. no way could i explain it well in a few short sentences....nor do you need to fully understand these dark nights to develop spiritually (obviously). At conversion, the core of a person is changed (2 cor 5:17). a new love for God is experienced. however, the habituated psychological dynamics of the soul have yet to be transformed. a new core is created, but residual pockets of sin exist which have been ingrained in the individuals soul since birth. at conversion, this new desire and love for God is mistaken for deep characterlogical change. However, true change and transformation of those habituated psychological dynamics is a slow and painful process. a dark night is a time of transformation and deep purging of wrong motivations which have existed since birth. pre-conversion the heart sought things for pleasures sake. at conversion, we experienced seeking God as pleasure filled...and this excited us to seek God with more enthusiasm. the sinful activity that brought satisfaction and pleasure pre-conversion no longer brings the same joy, but seeking God now offers one that satisfaction. new habits are formed during this time...because one continues to endure in the spiritual disciplines because they receive pleasure from them. during a dark night, this satisfaction and joy in seeking God is removed. this can leave the individual feeling slightly confused. the spiritual disciplines which once brought one joy, now no longer provide that joy. times of prayer seem dry. God may seem distant. the individual begins to wonder what they have done wrong. however, they have done nothing wrong! this is actually an invitation for one to see the reality of what is going on within their heart. the individual has begun to think that they have been responsible for their growth since conversion. they believe their feelings of closeness to God have been aroused primarily by their efforts and as a result of their acts of obedience and fervency towards the spiritual disciplines. however, the truth is that it has always been by God's love and grace. the individual wrongly uses feelings and their sense of pleasure to measure the level of their spirituality, and they also wrongly believe that their attention to the spiritual disciplines have made the difference in their transformation process. the first dark night is an attempt to purge the individual of these two wrong (but common) misbeliefs.

"The first dark night opens the way for the second major shift or stage of growth (illumination) in which God is loved less for pleasure sake and more for a love in-and-of-itself. this is a love based upon a real relationship between two persons, more along the lines of a marriage than a romance, or of love between child and parent. This, in turn, leads to the second dark night of the spirit in which the soul must be cured even of wanting God for the sake of experiencing mutual love. Instead, the soul must learn to love God just for Himself in such a manner that He, and not the need to be loved, is the center of all things. This latter experience might best be likened to Jesus' experience at Gethsemane in which he ultimately chose the love of God for God's sake. For Jesus, the will of the Father would be more central than His love for conscious fellowship with the Father, or the love of God for the sake of love." -excerpt from "Musings on the Dark Night of the Soul: Insights from St. John of the Cross on a Developmental Spirituality" by John H. Coe (Journal of Psychology and Theology, 2000).

anyway....this has been more my attempt to explain things in a clear and succinct way for those out there that might be interested. it has also been a help in preparation for the upcoming exam. i'll probably come back and talk about this a bit more. i'd love to know anyones thoughts that actually reads this...(if any).

"Believers in the dark night often feel an incredible amount of guilt over not feeling close to God in the spiritual disciplines. As a result, they are often tempted to deal with this guilt by working harder at the spiritual life. This is typically true of those who attend more dogmatic bible-teaching churches that in healthy cases appeal to the conscience, but in wrost cases often appeal instead to neurotic guilt as a motivation for godly living." -john coe.



The believer in the dark night is faced with warring passions as they begin to see how full of themselves they are. the dark night is intended to bring these sinful passions to the surface from the heart. these sinful passions have been their since conversion...but the individual is just now becoming aware of what is actually within his own heart. the goal of this dark night is for one to realize that God is calling them into a new obedience and continued deeper journey into the truth of ones own heart. one needs to learn how to open to God in the truth of themselves. and journey to the depths of their heart where the Spirit dwells and sees and knows all.

just looked at this picture. it made me miss a good friend, jen. she was an amazing friend to me during a really difficult season of life. this picture is of me studying for a thai language class. i sucked it up majorly. some song about an elephant (chan)....and water.....and alot (mak mak). i don't know. whatever. but, this picture just makes me feel all nostalgic. to have a day to lounge around and study. how young we were. how much heartbreak our hearts have seen sense this time (more than just a failed language test). in some ways i want to return and enjoy those moments. in other ways, i am glad for where i am at and the ways i have grown and matured in the past few years. know jen...that i miss you.

class work.

i post some work for class on the blog next door. check it out if interested. this is mostly for those folks reading my blog that are NOT in california and thus unawares of what i've been learning in school. i'll be posting a few papers on retreat soon....if i ever get them finished. i'd be interested to hear what you think... jot me an email.