sleep evades.
i cannot sleep. i don't want to sleep. it's those moments before i loose conciousness that my mind wanders extensively. i am scared to where it may wander. what is going on within the deep? what is trying to emerge from within my soul?
i soon depart on my three week retreat. i am scared. i am not alone much in my life anymore. living in a house with five girls makes this nearly impossible. especially w/ girls that i really enjoy spending time with.
next year i shall graduate. when i graduated undergrad....i had few friends with whom i was sad to leave. it was pretty dull, honestly. yesterday i went to graduation and was excited for my friends that walked across the stage. i genuinely yelled and screamed for them as their name was called. the cowbell was rung with vigor. next year....many of my friends will graduate with me (Lord willing). i will part ways with many people that have become close friends. yes....close and real friends. the kind of friendship i experienced with only one or two back in ames.
i cannot believe that four years of my life were spent in ames, iowa. in the ways that they were spent. so...alone and unheard and misunderstood. how sad and lonely this time actually was. it makes me bitter and angry at the people that i knew at that time. i have an anxious feeling in my stomach at the thought of returning to a place i feel isn't freeing....but hindering to my soul. i do not have to return...but, it's a wonderment to me as to why i have such averse feelings to such a place.
this is why i must tire myself out prior to shutting off the light and the computer and the music....b/c it's in the quiet of the night my mind wanders and the tears fall. for things which i thought were...but were not. for the lonelieness which was....but the fortitude which pushed me forward. for the gracious God that has directed me to this community of understanding and encouragement. honestly....i cannot imagine it getting much better than this. this is why i do not want to graduate next year. this place is safe. and warm. and loving. and real. and freeing. such a place i have only fought for before.....but never experienced.
i soon depart on my three week retreat. i am scared. i am not alone much in my life anymore. living in a house with five girls makes this nearly impossible. especially w/ girls that i really enjoy spending time with.
next year i shall graduate. when i graduated undergrad....i had few friends with whom i was sad to leave. it was pretty dull, honestly. yesterday i went to graduation and was excited for my friends that walked across the stage. i genuinely yelled and screamed for them as their name was called. the cowbell was rung with vigor. next year....many of my friends will graduate with me (Lord willing). i will part ways with many people that have become close friends. yes....close and real friends. the kind of friendship i experienced with only one or two back in ames.
i cannot believe that four years of my life were spent in ames, iowa. in the ways that they were spent. so...alone and unheard and misunderstood. how sad and lonely this time actually was. it makes me bitter and angry at the people that i knew at that time. i have an anxious feeling in my stomach at the thought of returning to a place i feel isn't freeing....but hindering to my soul. i do not have to return...but, it's a wonderment to me as to why i have such averse feelings to such a place.
this is why i must tire myself out prior to shutting off the light and the computer and the music....b/c it's in the quiet of the night my mind wanders and the tears fall. for things which i thought were...but were not. for the lonelieness which was....but the fortitude which pushed me forward. for the gracious God that has directed me to this community of understanding and encouragement. honestly....i cannot imagine it getting much better than this. this is why i do not want to graduate next year. this place is safe. and warm. and loving. and real. and freeing. such a place i have only fought for before.....but never experienced.
posted by lp at 2:00 AM
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