therapy.

a significant part of our program requires a deep looking into ones heart. i am not simply talking about a superficial understanding of what you think is going on....but, an incredibly depth...lovingly referred to as the 'cauldron.'

sometimes, i don't want to penetrate into this depth. i run away from the things which will help me dive deeply into this unknown. it's like in lost...when Charlie has to dive down into the station out in the water and desmond ties this thing around his waste to help him quickly sink to the station at the bottom of the ocean floor? yah....i want to take off those weights which will help me dive faster and simply flounder up on the surface w/ occasional half-hearted attempts to delve into the deep. what is in the cauldron? i'm not sure. the greatest fear is that nothing is there. but, the ultimate truth is that God is there. but, it's easier to simply flounder on the surface and verbalize our belief that God is in the depths. it's a whole other thing to dive into that deep and experience him.

but what if we do? and what if he's there? what if we experience him? what if we stop thinking we've arrived in this life....and really begin to experience God in our life?

i entitled this entry as 'therapy.' i have begun meeting with a therapist in the past week. i must admit we haven't really addressed the things in life i thought we'd address (although it's only been two sessions). however, it has actually been refreshing. i am a firm believer that everyone should get some good counseling sometime in their life to help them dive a bit deeper into their hearts and expose some well-grounded lies. i have already identified a few key things in my life which, for years, i had believed as the ultimate truth. ...but what if these things were not true? when did this wrong thinking begin? what if someone actually sat and listened to what i had to say? what if i had something to say? what if wounds were exposed that needed healing? what if lies were uncovered? what if i were able to actually verbalize and own those repressed emotions? what of those emotions emerged actually emerged? whatever comes out of my heart....is already there now. it's just so deeply buried in that cauldron that it's unseen by most. that's why i like floating on the surface in the warm sun. but, i know in my heart that i am being beckoned deeper below the surface.... to the unknown. to an experience i cannot control. to a person i cannot control.

these are my thoughts for the evening.