http://www.godfreyjamescatanus.com/

talking about sex to highschoolers on sunday.
pretty stoked. should be good times.

it hasn't even been a week into this new semester....and already i feel so much more peace. no rushing to work, to school, to home, to bed, to sleep, and then awakening to do it all again. (did i mention sitting in traffic....!?) why do we compress so many things into such a small amount of time? i'm enjoying space now. no classes this semester!! though i fight at those voices in my head telling me that i'm lazy and wasting time... i am choosing to listen to the other small voices telling me to rest and listen. will i go onto a demanding doctoral program when i'm 28? maybe. will i be a super old mom? maybe. will i move to oregon? maybe. will i stay in la? maybe. will i move to chicago? maybe. will i go back to a non challenging master's program to be an MFT so i can be a mom sooner? maybe. will i be satisified with that? maybe. will i be in debt? most likely. will i learn to trust myself in the midst of this? maybe. will i be stressed about these decisions? most likely. but...will i experience God in the midst of this? will i stop and listen? will i remember that i'm not alone? will i embrace the fact there isn't one right choice amidst these? will i learn to make these decisions and movements with dan? will we continue to love and be loved? will we watch lots of jack bauer? most definitely yes.

this is what i know.

quite busy have i been this past semester. it's currently finals week at vanguard...where i am currently attending. after a variety of considerations and quite a bit of processing and discernment we have decided to suspend attending vanguard for the upcoming semester. (we...b/c definitely a joint decision b/t dan and i). i am in the process of applying to various psyd programs across the country. i am not yet certain what this means. i know very few things at this point. want to know what i know?
1. i don't like living in california. dan assures me that it's southern california i don't like...but i'm struggling to remain positive about the incessant sun.
2. the vanguard program isn't what i want... the classes are too easy. i used to feel bad about saying that..but now i embrace it. it's trite. why waste my money? i could attend a psyd program for 2 years...be challenged...and walk away with a masters which will allow me to provide psychotherapy (counseling) to others.
3. i'm way to stretchd between things. working with taxing kids... kids that never do what you ask... getting spit on... hit... pooped... farted... i'm getting tired of it. love it...but it's stressful. so, i work at the school from 8-12....do direction at biola a few times a week...and then off to class... and then on the weekends doing stuff with the church and youth kids. and...being recently married which is a significant transition.
4. i need and crave space.
5. i hate driving in traffic...and i spend a bit over 2 hours in the car driving from home to work to home to school 3 days a week. boo.
6. i hate loud neighbors...and am very aware i used the word, "hate." i contemplate if our neighbor is deaf and thats why every form of electronic noise must shake our light fixtures. yes...it may be that bad.
7. did i mention i dislike like living here? and feel incredibly clausterphobic?
8. marrying someone whose family lives far from your own.... is nice and awful all at the same time.
9. i am learning to trust my gut... and listen to myself.
10. i am quite anti-social at the moment... but think it's b/c i have no space even for myself to regroup...so i hope next semester offers me some solace in this regard.
11. studying for the GRE ups your vocab....
12. i took a math class too many moons ago.

i don't even know what that list was for anymore...but i kept adding to it.
this is perhaps why you haven't heard from me for awhile. i feel i have nothing witty to say...though my heart longs for it.

oh...did i mention that i now own all the seasons of friends? 1.5 more to watch and i'll have watched every single episode of friends. i love that show. yes...it taps into things my soul enjoys.

i'm sitting in class now...which reveals how much i am caring to finish well. :) ok, i do care...but, it doesn't require much of my attention. i feel like i am still quite invested in the class...and able to create a list that may or may not make sense. who cares!?

so...that's me. expect to hear more from me in the upcoming months after i finish finals, get a break from work, take the GRE, write my application essays to grad schools, and sleep.

oh...and the schools i am applying for are here in the LA area, oregon and chicago. oregon is currently at the top of the list. partly b/c it offers space...and prettiness...what my heart is longing for.

ok...i'm off.

advent.

time for advent

first paragraph of this article is an awesome description of my experience at multiple churches here in southern california. made me laugh. would love to hear some other peoples thoughts on it. is this true for the midwest? b/c...it's been my experience out here. my guess is that it's more difficult for some of the bigger and more established churches to change... that's why church planting is much more popular now. you are able to create whatever atmosphere you want... and not have to deal with the more traditional peeps. though, tradition is now hip too. hmmm.... so interesting.

it's hard for me to sometimes believe the passion of people comes from a place of incredible love for the earth and people... and it's not just some form of retaliation of how they grew up. but, what is pure passion? do they vote for obama b/c they like his policies? or b/c he's not republican...? my inclination is that they began to explore the more "liberal" side b/c it went against what was stuffed down their throats... and they began to realize that issues aren't as cut and dry as they were made to believe in their more formative years. they began to see the rationale and importance of the "other side," and so swung in that direction... b/c it's slightly cool to rebel. especially in ways that are socially acceptable. it was all under the impression that, 'you're now enlightened...and your parents remain in the dark ages unable to see correctly or without the lens of conservatism." but, i just raise the question on if they are indeed really thinking for themselves now, or if they are just being reactive.

and .... perhaps the answer to that question doesn't really matter. and this is just where we find ourselves now.

i do however, embrace the idea of doing stuff for oneself. the article goes on to talk about how hipsters seem to be getting sucked into "worldly things." i would venture to offer that individuals are just being a lot more healthy with themselves. not putting undue burdens upon themselves and finding enjoyment in life. for me...i felt my experience in church was much more about guilt, and an especially big heap if one enjoyed anything outside of church (unless of course it was for the sake of evangelism). i'm not sure if that's what they were preaching EXACTLY....but that seems to be what a majority of the kids picked up on. lame. and it makes me angry. so much pressure to attend services...and so much concern if it was skipped for incredibly worldly reasons... 'serve God now, enjoy beauty later in heaven' seemed to be the message. and..i know i heard something quite similar come from the mouths of pastors i sat under. makes me cringe...and be incredibly grateful i escaped from some of that thinking.



i do wonder how this impacts the way we look at doing youth ministry and children's ministry. what does it look like to provide developmentally appropriate ways to teach children and kids about God without leaving them feeling like it's being stuffed down their throats? how can we let them discover God in their lives...w/o letting the fear overide us that they aren't going to give their lives to Christ? maybe people parent reactively too.

we are just all so reactive!

and this post...is just my reaction against past hurts i have from the church, other believers, and this state of california i currently live in.

if you are unaware...i have become to strongly dislike this state and all the culture within it. i cannot wait to move far away. silly me for marrying a native of this state....but at least he's a northern cal person. b/c they are definitely far superior to those that grew up in this socal place! i really do think california should be split into two states...yup yup.

that's my rant. now back to homework! shall i ever be out of school!? no. probably not.

a few pics.

we got over 2000 photos from the wedding. here are a few. not in order...and not even the best ones. but, gives you an idea of what it's like. can't believe it's over! sigh. a sigh of relief.