moon.

i am currently sitting in my friends apartment. a house actually. the lights are all out. i am listening to some great music which speaks to my soul in ways unexplainable. it must be expereinced. i feel such a peace right now. i feel like i don't have anything else to live for but today. the decisions i make...i make them for Christ. the house is dark. empty. yet i feel loved. some new friends opened their home to me.... can you believe it? i think it's amazing. i just looked outside the window...and the moon is shining through the branches of a tree. how incredible. the outline of the older house next door scratches its structure into the darker blue sky... leaving me enjoying this peaceful evening completely.

today one of my co-workers used the name of Jesus in a profane way. It burned my heart...i wanted to say something. but i didn't. how do i go about this? i remember when i told others in elementary school to not use God's name in vain. kids would laugh at me and call me names cuz i was the christian kid. not b/c i was a christian. but...just cuz i was a loser who tried to stick up for the beliefs i grew up with. i remember once trying to convert a girl that was jewish. i told her that i wasn't allowed to be friends with her because she was jewish. i think her mom called mine. i had to apologize. our relationship remained a bit awkward throughout the rest of our years in school. i wonder if i could find her on facebook now.....hmm. i also shared the gospel w/ my friends in 2nd or third grade. i think was more of an evangelist then...then i am now. but no one joined me on my journey of being a christian. i just got a bit ridiculed and found myself on the outside a bit. i struggled to figure out how to assimilate w/ other kids in my class...yet....be a witness for Jesus.

was i a christian at that point in my life? i sure tried to do the right thing. i feel like God was with me.... (looking back and at that time). but..then what happened in my highschool years? what did i do? i think i heard so many testimonies of people that had come out of some tough stuff...and sins they had stopped committing. i looked at my life and thought i was pretty good...and to know the power of Jesus i better do something bad so that i can experience that joy of knowing the power of Jesus. and...seriously.... this is what i thought. that i must mess around w/ some bad stuff...so i can be set free from it. i have to know sin so i can be set free from it, right? argh. why did i think that? satan won that battle. let's be honest...my sinful nature wanted to play...and to enjoy the lusts of youth. i regret that time now. but, i do see God's hand in it. how he guided me through that time...protecting me. allowing me to stress and be anxious and to contemplate deeper things. experiences and people in my life spurring me on to different thoughts... teaching me how to interact w/ others, etc. oh....how greatful i am.

thank you for protecting me father. thank you for allowing me to go through that time. thank you for loving me. who am i that you would save me from myself? that is what you did. you saved me from myself! i was on a path of destruction...and you have saved me. thank you. you are a great God.

sick.

has your heart ever felt sick? mine does now.

i got an email from a friend who informed me of her disappointment in me.

this definately makes me feel like crap.

all i want to do is push this gross feeling away. i think i messed up...slightly. although my friend may have been more upset than neccesary...it doesn't really matter. i disappointed friends. i let them down. they expected something of me...and were let down.

how do i handle this? there are reasons for what happen. there are things i can say to help her understand my side of it...but, does it even matter? should i just 'take it'? how should i handle this rightly? how would God have me handle this situation? a part of me wants this whole thing to disappear...but then another part of me is thankful for what i can learn through this. i just want to handle it correctly now.

i want my friends to understand that i completely did not mean to make them feel used or taken advantage of... not in the least! quite the contrary...i thought i had done them well and taken care of things so they would have no work. really...i feel this is true in my heart. it makes me frustrated that i could be so wrong! i'm usually so careful to make sure things are right and that no one will be hurt or upset w/ me....but, dang it. it didn't work this time.

i am purposefully not giving out details...cuz i know if i did it could become a rant and seem like i'm complaining. i don't want that to seem like my stance at all. instead...i admit that their frustrations are valid...i just want to push this awful feeling off my heart and be rid of it. i want to handle this rightly so as to have no regrets. i think i can learn how i am an irresponsible kid. it's true.

i want to feel badly for myself. i worked so darn hard to get all moved out...and to clean...and to make sure everything was left in good shape. i really did. it was a sad nite...moving out all alone... i probably should have never moved out of my old place to begin with! seriously....

although..it was such a good thing to have my own place for awhile. to have a big change to differentiate different periods in my life.

i'm sad. i'm frustrated. i hate feeling far from God...and when i know others are upset w/ me...i feel far from him. i have an anger in my soul and a stubborness b/c i don't want to pay people for things i don't think i should have to pay them for! i see my pride and my selfishness when it comes to money! i need to learn to be giving...and see that my money is not my own! break me of this. that's a huge prayer God...cuz i know you will...and it will hurt. but...do. i want to be generous. and to not always look for the cheapest thing at the expense of my friends. may i see and trust that you'll provide and take care of me as i trust in you. i don't want to cheat your children of what is theirs. i don't want to make excuses for things that i assumed in my deepest of hearts i was doing right. may i see that i CAN make a mistake no matter how much my heart desires not too!

i think this is what i can leanr. no matter how careful i am.... i will still make mistakes. i will still disappoint people.

may i just keep a clear concious in the decisions i make each day...and deal w/ the consequences as they come. help me deal rightly w/ these consequences Father.... i messed up...and now i need to know how to handle it.

you are a good God. help me know you are near tonight.

silent movers.

i moved out of my apartment tonight. it was a late night. and a few other tenants were moving their stuff out as well. it was an odd exchange. a slight nod in the parking lot...maybe a door held here or there for someone else. but...no words exchanged. i could have asked if someone needed help...but it didn't seem to fit. we were all going about our small move...and we all seemed content to do it alone. and...i didn't feel guilty about not asking someone if i could help them. but in an odd way i felt a sort of commroderie (sp?).

now my apartment is empty...and the fact is that i'm leaving this town. it's for certain. i cannot believe i have lived here 5 years. and for the first time i am really feeling connected. connected to others around me, connected to some people in the church.

for much of this year i struggled w/...just what i thought to be a lack of women living for kingdom purposes in our church. i didn't see any women that i wanted to pattern my life after. God has really convicted me how selfish and completely sinful that attitude was. and...that sin robbed me of pure and good relationships w/ others. why did i not see God working in the lives of the women here? i was so prideful to think that i had it all together... and that i knew what God would have for my life and for others as well. who was i to think others were living in sin? or not for God's best? that is not my place!! in my struggle w/ this particular sin...so much pride can be found.

keep me from this sin father...may i be confident of what you are doing in my life and the lives of others around me. may i not see family and kids as a second-rate responsiblity. show me what your heart is about... continue to refine me. may i not base my worth on what i can do for you...but..maybe i see how you saved me. you loved me first...and that is the only reason i can even life for you today! because you first loved us.......

thank you for silent nights. for people i feel close to even when words aren't exchanged. thank you for friends. for family. for life breath and everything else. give my mind rest tonight... so that tomorrow i can awake and enter deposits and answer the phone.

my friends.

God is good.
I am overwhelmed w/ God...and his faithfulness.

i am thankful for understanding in my life.
for those that understand me.
for the people God has put in my life that understand me.

pics

www.flickr.com

pic from my time in ukraine last march. these are the leaders of the camp coming up next week. pray for them....whoever looks at my site.  

These are my feet 

packing.

tonight i must pack.

i came home from work tonight... and knew it'd be a short time for i was meeting up w/ people to talk about a book we're reading together. (the Cross centered life - by C.J. Mahaney). In any event.... i decided to lay down for a few minutes. a quick nap. this quick nap turned into a full fledged sleep! i awoke and it was dark outside. i had no idea if it was 5 in the morning or 9pm. dang. what an odd feeling!

i was supposed to be packed...for my mom is driving up tomorrow so i can pack up their van w/ a majority of my stuff. then..for the next month i'll live with what ever will fit in my car. i will worry about where i will actually live when i need to. maybe....july 31st?

going through stuff is a bit surreal. i can't believe my time in ames is over. and...i think what surprises me more is how i am a bit sad. can i really leave ames? no one will really miss me. not saying that a few people won't miss me...but....it doesn't really change anyones life that i am leaving or staying. i don't have a low self-esteem....i just think it's interesting. why am i sad to leave ames? i guess.... it holds so many good memories for me. it's where i've walked the longest w/ my heart set about the things God desires in my life.

i just can't believe i'm not coming back here. i am beginning to like ames. i like the smaller town feel. i like that i work in a lawyers office and know a lot of people in the community now. i like the small business owner feel of things. to know who owns what. and...how everyone is a bit connected. am i beginning to like the feeling of being settled? heck no! (i hope not). but i think that is there somewhere. i see that i do like being a bit settled. but, i think i realize not now. ... 'not yet.' (as quoted from Gladiator...you remember that part)?

i lack energy......maybe i'm sick. argh.

i am so thankful for the healing God has done in my heart. i feel like i have a bit of that joy down in there right now. a bit of freedom to be myself. i still have this ache of missing a certain relationship... and the pain that goes a long with this. but, i have a hope for the future. a deep heart realization that...God DOES want what is best for me. for his glory. i can trust that. i can seek him in the small things....and trust him in the big.

i'm tired. i got stuff to do. peace.
sorry for no more elaboration. i was just surprised at my sadness as i packed to move home! i wanted to share that.

TRUTH.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things
above, where Cherist is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds
on things above, not on earthly things. Colossians 3:1-2
We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2
Corinthians 10:5

THou wilt keep in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he
trusteth in thee. Isaiah 26:3

"when we fail to God's hand in our circumstances or when we content w/ Him
over His choices for our lives, we become candidates for emotional and
spiritual depression."

remind yourself of God

WHO God is

WHAT God is

WHAT God has done

WHAT God has pledged Himself to do
Deny the flesh.

Walk in the Spirit.

Turn to Him and His words. Humble yourself to Him and others. Don't run for the quickest escape route. Embrace the emotional pain. Wrestle with it. Examine the heart and determine where the wrong feelings spring from. We often seek God to deflect the trouble. We are concerned
w/ ourself....and not what God might be trying to do through it.

Security, prosperity, and physical well-being are seen as God's
blessings...and therefore suffering is misread. God is more concerned w/
our holiness then in our happiness. It is impossible to be holy w/o
suffering! Jesus had to suffer! YES...it was different. It doesn't
neccisarly mean you have to be in a dark jail cell being tortured for
faith. We can suffer in different ways...w/ unfullfilled longings, a
broken heart over separation of loved one, etc.

The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after
you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and mkae you
strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

God loves me...and why i am going through what i am going through right
now. it's so that i can become more holy. more like him. it's his
soverign plan. he loves me. this is what he wants. he's not angry or
upset w/ me...and wanting me to be upset. NO. those are lies satan wants
me to believe. what IS true....is that knowing God and becoming more like
Jesus is what will bring the most complete joy.

friends.

i cried tonight.

i was in this conversation w/ a friend. and...tears started flowing. i couldn't hold them back.

do you ever just feel alone? and..that you just want someone to understand and love you unconditionally? do you ever just feel tired of fighting? fighting to be real. to be loved. to love. to be yourself.

i often do.

i know i should find my strength and hope and confidence in Christ alone. am I? is this need to be loved... from God? i think it might be. it is. it only becomes unhealthy when we change ourselves to mold to what someone else wants us to be. we must embrace and believe that we are accepted by God. how the inflitration of this truth into our lives would change us!

this conversation with my friend...frustrated me. i don't want to explain what i want in a friend or how to be a friend or to be exasperated in communicating w/ others. i know being a friend takes hard work...and i don't shy away from this. but, i want to be surprised. and pursued. for who i am.... not what i have to offer. cuz...i have nothing.

it's true...i often am more hurt by certain relationships then gain. but...isn't that sorta what relationships are about? am i completely messed up? perhaps.

maybe i need sleep.

retrospect. wind in the hair.... fresh air.... sun setting... sweetness. 

thailand 

thailand....the beach. i love beaches. how small they make you feel as you look out at the expanse of the water. how deep and wide the ocean is.... an example of God's love for us. makes me think of ephesians when paul prays that we might know how long and wide and high and deep the love of Christ is..... the ocean reminds me of this. 

clash.

the clash of cultures.
islamic and christian.
many muslims and christians do not know what they themselves beleive...this is where problems arise from. frustrations...and confusion. most from the middle east think all americans are Christian...but, ask an American what a Christian is and chances are they would give some sort of works based faith explanation. and...what of the average muslim? do they know the quran well? i actually....don't know. maybe...but, chances are they have a distorted view of their own religion as well.

i've been reading a book on the islamic faith... a book which gives a well rounded explanation for many beliefs found within Islam. within the book was a great quote i needed to share:

"A post modern "seeker," one who des not believe in ultimate truth, is not truely seeking, but rather merely observing. A true seeker will find truth and hold on to it passionately, whatever the consequences."

I think-by this defination-i am a 'post modern seeker.' i read the Bible...but often do not take the words and apply them boldly and passionately to my life. the muslim reads the words of the quran and do many of the specific things it lists....if they do not eternal life is at stake. for example....clensing themsleves before prayer at the mosque...or, praying five times a day, or fasting during ramadan. many adhere to the teachings found w/n the quran.

but...how often have i slacked off in my discipline of knowing and applying truth to my life? not...works for the sake of doing things. but...b/c i now live in the freedom to choose what to do? gosh...i fail alot.

reading this book has given me a hunger to know TRUTH...for i have it at my fingertips. and to know why i believe and what actions follow. to live passionately for the truth whatever the consequences. i know the Bible is true... it's real. understanding more about Allah and the god of the islamic religion has me even more convinced and overwhelmed w/ God of abraham, isaac and jacob. God as father. abba. forgiveness. love....unconditional love. merciful...

i dunno....i just need to have more of a passion for truth and to really live passionately for the truth no matter the consequences.

immutability of God.

do you know that God cannot change?

ok...so...not that huge of a discovery. but, it IS if you dwell upon the impact of this truth.

today....did you realize that God cares just as much about you right at this very instant...as he did when Jesus died upon the cross? God never is moody....or change his affection and enthusiasm for his children. He also never loses his anger towards sin in the world....

I am just overwhelmed by this....especially as everything (emotions/moods) seem to change so quickly around me.

I'm so evoked by what songs i listen to. either...feeling super powerful and strengthened to get the heck out of iowa no matter the cost...and other times a relaxing acceptance that staying in Iowa will not be the end of my life.

God....cannot change. that's good. it's steady. it's the stability in life that i crave.

Jesus is my rock and he rolls my blues away...(bob shoe bop...shoe bop whoo!).

dang it.

dang it.

one thing i was looking forward to A TON was the ocean. and being near it. and sitting on the beach, laying beneath the moon, listening to the waves, and getting lost in it all. i won't be near the ocean come august like i once thought. i'll be in my parents house. someday though...i'll be near the ocean. i think it just has a calming affect upon my heart. i am craving it.... but, i would love to have someone to sit on that beach w/. sigh. now i'm feeling a titch lonely again. just longing for some companionship...that's all. but, it's a good desire....not overwhelming. just a longing to share God's blessings w/ someone...and to enjoy him w/ someone like minded.

one thing i know... to love the Lord God w/ all my heart soul and mind...and love my neighbor as myself. this is what i remind myself of each morning as i awake. that is my only goal and need for the day. if i live w/ these two thoughts in mind.... that's is the obedient life. decisions will stem from that....and lead me down the path of life. small decisions...small steps..... eventually lead a long ways.

emotions. suck.

yes. emotions....suck.

reality vs. dreams. i like living in a dream world. things don't hurt as much in a dream world. decisions seem less important--cuz you can sorta wake up and then go back in the dream and make a different choice. nothing is really final. it's like those...'choose your own adventure' books all the kids were hooked on in elementary school. you know...the ones where you picked A or B and then read that chapter...and then you got to choose something different...and basically you wrote your own little story. but..the thing was that you could always go back and make a change. nothing was final. AND it wasn't your life! it was a completely fictional character.

but...this is my life. and...choices are 'final' in a sense. dang it.

i like saying 'dang it' now. i think it may come from debra. i like it. i smile in my heart when i say it. is that swearing? i think...no. i just enjoy saying it.

sacrifice. an odd word. it...gives the feeling that we are actually 'giving' something up. as if it's painful. like...the sacrifice of the person who gives everything to go and live overseas. HA. it may seem like sacrifice to those who live for material possessions...but, for those who live for God and kingdom purposes can see joy and peace in the life of those who are living obedient lives for God. This is what i long for. an obedient life. one where i know i am living in what God has for me. i think...that's why i can't stay in ames...and must move on and take a step towards something different. something i've been longing for for many years. a step forward. a step in obedience.

i desparately want to California....NOW. but, i think it's wiser for me to hold back and save a bit of money. isn't it? gosh. i can't second guess myself now. it's decided. i'm off to live w/ my parents. at one point i thought i was going to be the kid that was bold, courageous, exciting--to move far away from anyone and everyone. now...i'm being a bum and moving home to live w/ my parents. hmpf. i think...there are lies in there i could choose to believe or not. and...i'm not going to! this is a wise choice (for me to move home).

this is boring. i'm leaving. one day i'll have more time to develop some of these thoughts in my head. until then..... relationships are about committment...and emotions without self control....suck.

peace.joy.love.....all in Christ.

friends.

friends.
i'm thankful for them.
for people that understand me.
that i can share my heart w/.
that i can be real w/.
an answer to prayer.

isn't it sweet to pray for things...and then see the answer to prayer?

friends..........complete and utter answer to prayer. i didn't just want people in my life...i wanted true and good friends. You've given them to me father. thanks. thanks for people i can be myself around. so freeing.

so.
i can make decisions.
i feel good about this one.
now i just have to pull of the logistics of it. that sucks.
i hope the classes aren't full... cuz that would be a bummer.

living at home. am i a loser? or wise? maybe....both?
i dunno. i am blessed to have a great family. i can enjoy them. i don't have to feel bad about that. why do we feel we must move on and leave our family to be healthy? that's such an american concept! i think there is a healthy distance that needs to be had....emotionally/spiritually/physically from family. to make sure decisions are made for the right reasons, etc. i think i am healthily on my own. distanced from my parents in a healthy way...but still able to enjoy them. to let them love me. thanks for a blessing me w/ a great family... i am undeserving. they support me in what i want...and give me Godly advice. that's pretty darn rare and sweet.

i want my pursuit of education to be for sound reasons. an investment in my future...and the future of the people who will be impacted by my life. i realize.... i must take what i learn and integrate into my life. not enough to just KNOW....i want my life to be changed!

change my life....change my heart.....

so many thoughts...and i chose boring ones. but, i must sleep so i can get up and sit at a computer all day tomorrow. wishing i could be somewhere else.

working is getting harder and harder....as one of the main people i work w/ are continually in a bad mood. sometimes she just storms out of the office leaving everyone on edge. you never want to send a call her way cuz she'll be upset. always complaining. what a drag! sometimes i can't wait to leave....as i feel i slowly die as each day passes by. extreme...but, true??

keep my heart soft.

continue to guide my steps.

this is my prayer.