sick.

has your heart ever felt sick? mine does now.

i got an email from a friend who informed me of her disappointment in me.

this definately makes me feel like crap.

all i want to do is push this gross feeling away. i think i messed up...slightly. although my friend may have been more upset than neccesary...it doesn't really matter. i disappointed friends. i let them down. they expected something of me...and were let down.

how do i handle this? there are reasons for what happen. there are things i can say to help her understand my side of it...but, does it even matter? should i just 'take it'? how should i handle this rightly? how would God have me handle this situation? a part of me wants this whole thing to disappear...but then another part of me is thankful for what i can learn through this. i just want to handle it correctly now.

i want my friends to understand that i completely did not mean to make them feel used or taken advantage of... not in the least! quite the contrary...i thought i had done them well and taken care of things so they would have no work. really...i feel this is true in my heart. it makes me frustrated that i could be so wrong! i'm usually so careful to make sure things are right and that no one will be hurt or upset w/ me....but, dang it. it didn't work this time.

i am purposefully not giving out details...cuz i know if i did it could become a rant and seem like i'm complaining. i don't want that to seem like my stance at all. instead...i admit that their frustrations are valid...i just want to push this awful feeling off my heart and be rid of it. i want to handle this rightly so as to have no regrets. i think i can learn how i am an irresponsible kid. it's true.

i want to feel badly for myself. i worked so darn hard to get all moved out...and to clean...and to make sure everything was left in good shape. i really did. it was a sad nite...moving out all alone... i probably should have never moved out of my old place to begin with! seriously....

although..it was such a good thing to have my own place for awhile. to have a big change to differentiate different periods in my life.

i'm sad. i'm frustrated. i hate feeling far from God...and when i know others are upset w/ me...i feel far from him. i have an anger in my soul and a stubborness b/c i don't want to pay people for things i don't think i should have to pay them for! i see my pride and my selfishness when it comes to money! i need to learn to be giving...and see that my money is not my own! break me of this. that's a huge prayer God...cuz i know you will...and it will hurt. but...do. i want to be generous. and to not always look for the cheapest thing at the expense of my friends. may i see and trust that you'll provide and take care of me as i trust in you. i don't want to cheat your children of what is theirs. i don't want to make excuses for things that i assumed in my deepest of hearts i was doing right. may i see that i CAN make a mistake no matter how much my heart desires not too!

i think this is what i can leanr. no matter how careful i am.... i will still make mistakes. i will still disappoint people.

may i just keep a clear concious in the decisions i make each day...and deal w/ the consequences as they come. help me deal rightly w/ these consequences Father.... i messed up...and now i need to know how to handle it.

you are a good God. help me know you are near tonight.