evenings.

it's hard gain sleep.
maybe i don't want to loose consciousness b/c i know what the next day holds. i'd rather stay up and prolong the approaching morning. an anxiety builds...and anticipation of the unknown. so many thoughts. no peace. just more questions. more longings. a hunger. my heart aches. my mind spins.

a mesh.

i feel overwhelmed and unsettled. so much is being stirred within me making me long with an even greater intensity for something stable. something known. something certain. are these desires selfish? or...just a glimpse and hint of things that offer health to my soul? perhaps...an invitation to enter into those desires to see what lies there. i got stuck on one of the sentences of the books i was reading today: "you do not have to analyze your prayers to gain its benefits." I don't have to sit and analyze and determine what is going on to reap the benefits of prayer. this idea offers release to a bit of stress. i don't have to figure out what is going on for that certain thing to occur.

wow. how amazing. now, i think there is something to pondering and examining life. but...you don't have to have an answer to everything and have everything fit into a nice little box to experience it. i don't have to understand what is going on within a relationship in order to enjoy that relationship. just be. that is the theme and what i long for in my life. to just be. to be secure in just being.

growing.

i have this fear of reverting back to ways i felt throughout last spring. just an overwhelming sense of unsettledness. (i'm fairly certain that's not a word). I've been meditating on these two thoughts:

"Fear not --> for i am with you"
and
"Do not be dismayed --> for i am your God."

what would it mean if i internalized that the one who made the world and everything in it....is my God? the one i submit my life to and attempt to live my life for.....is my God? would i fear things anymore? would i feel the need to prove myself? would i have fear? would i worry? obviously....i don't internalize or believe that God is who he says he is...or i would not have these incessant fears and worries about life. i want that faith of david who refuses the armor offered by saul and simply walks to face goliath with what he knows. i'm sure others watching thought David foolish for not taking the neccesary precautions by wearing the armor. but, if david had worn the armor....let's face it. he would have been squished by the giant dude. david believed and knew that the one on his side was incredibly more powerful than goliath. it's not like he needed to prove something....but, it was God who came through. God was showing himself and his power to all who were watching in that moment in time and for the ages to come. why do i fear the future? oh...to simply trust in what i do know and step out without attempting to put on all the things others seem to push upon me.

found out.

will i be found out of these questions and doubts that at times consume my mind?
i am realizing the hopes of quenching these doubts through knowledge obtained in a seminary will not be actualized. if anything....this whole program has stirred up more thoughts and doubts within me. and i will be let loose in a few months! for this i am scared. the feelings of alone-ness overcome me as i think on this. shall i just not think of this? do i live in the present? or in my mind?

my world is spinning faster and faster. the fastness becomes a security....for as it slows reality smacks you hard in the face. the distraction of the fastness fade and you are left with yourself. how amazing it is that many go through life without facing themselves. i sometimes wish i had that gift...that ability to not examine and contemplate and analyze. wouldn't that be peace-filled? but...i don't really mean that. it just seems life would be easier and funner. maybe less deep. but, could i be ok w/ that? i began this journey...and now it's impossible to return to the way things were. even if i wanted. this deep longing would still exist within me. maybe depth is good. it's real. but, maybe i'd rather live in falseness with happieness....then reality with unmet longings.

i'm tired of trying so hard. if i just gave up...would it matter? would i be caught? would someone catch me? i'm exhausted of holding on and know that i can't much longer. do i trust?

"I have chosen you and not cast you off. Fear not, for i am with you; be not dismayed, for i am your God; i will strengthen you, i will help you, i will uphold you with my righteous right hand." isaiah 41:10

things i like...

disneyland.
sleeping.
abbie.
chilin on the rents leather couches.
thunderstorms.
hugs.
puppies....cuddling puppies.
fall.
laughing.
friends.
getting the seat i like at panera's.
staring at the sky while listening to music.
kate leaning against me in class and occasionally grabbing my knee.
being finished with homework.
curling up in a little ball underneath piles of blankets.
watching lost w/ ernice and a few others.
staying up late talking about nothing in particular.
when people notice when i walk into the room.
long road trips. looong ones.
finding money in my pocket.
finding my phone after it's been lost.
christmas music.
exploring national parks...yellowstone is up near the top.
thanksgivings in minnesota.
going to the mall with mom and jill.
capturing beautiful things with a camera.
having nothing to do.
going home to iowa.
living in the present moment.
wearing a hoodie...or headcovering.
being alone in my room after a full day.
curling up with a good book.
congruency in life.