a bit more.

it's quite hilarious.
i previously mentioned my tendancy to blog when i have other things to do.
i am suppose to be working on some essays to get some classes transferred over so i can test out of a class at school. however, i sit down and my mind wanders. so i blog. and tonight i spent a few hours combing through books of pictures to find some of me and my sis to complete a book i am making for her. the book has been in the works for years now. i am just getting it together. i loved looking at the pictures. i thought about what a fantastical childhood i had. my mom was great. she should have had more kids. more people should be under her mothering b/c i think she is one of the best. i see how carefree i was as a child. how free to be myself. when did the weight of the world settle upon my shoulders? when did i get this depressive little attitude inflitrating my mind? when did i become shy and scared to interact and try new things? it's fear. and...it comes when i am not trusting in the one who created me. i know it... and i am becoming more aware of what a spiritual battle this life is. how i need to pray for strength to interact with others. to love others w/ a selfless and christlike love. i want to be free again. i want to enjoy life again. i want to trust and be FREE to be myself. i want to shake the weight of the world off my shoulders and be a kid again. instead...i spent this afternoon running to the bank and taking my parents money b/c i had overdrawn my account. how can one be free...yet have responsibilities they cannot carry? i am not sure. i want to travel back in time....before the hurt and pain entered my world. but....when was that?





family vacations were the best. we hopped in the car each summer and traveled the country. look at my sweet smile.



completely pc. seriously. we got dressed up for a church party....as hobo's. um...yah.



i am wearing pink! my favorite hat....but i am playing in the dirt. so, it makes wearing pink ok.

time travel.

have you ever wanted to go back in time?
i do.
right now.
i want to relive my childhood.
wouldn't that be spectacular?
i was looking through some old photos. i was cute. what happened? i think i just emerged last year from my awkward phase. it lasted a decade for me. i looked at the pics of me with curly hair and a mischeiveous little smile. carefree. loved. warm. pure. happy. it was before i realized the heartache life dishes up. when does one realize that life isn't perfect? when the kid laughs at you on the playground in preschool? or...when your sister pushes you off the swingset when you're two? or...when you have to eat your vegetables at the table? or...when the first crush you have doesn't even know you exist? when does one realize it?

i slightly feel like i've become more worldly in the past few months. but, perhaps i have just become more intuned w/ life in general. hmm. i dunno.

check out this photo from a bike trip long ago. our families used to pack up the car w/ camping gear and load the bikes atop the mini and head out for a weekend of fun. i think this was the beginning of my awkward phase. my dad has looked the same since he got married when he was 18. punk. kendra is standing at the end of the table. me and her are friends now. she's pretty cool. we didn't talk much back then. i am not sure why. maybe we did...and i just don't remember. whops.

infatuation.

Infatuation is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning passion or love; addictive love. Infatuation usually occurs at the beginning of relationship...

i think one of the coolest things in the world is to have someone love you. i don't know if anyone has ever loved me. i think a few people have been infatuated with me. this is also an amazing thing to experience. i think i sorta squirmed at the time... i felt uncomfortable and a bit foolish. it's like....you suddenly have this power over someone. they think you are pretty amazing and no wrong can be done by you. therefore...you can treat the person like dirt and they don't care. or...you can just be yourself and they don't care. i like that. i thrive on relationships like that. not that i can treat them like dirt. but...that i am real. but...it stings when the person that is infatuated w/ you moves on. they become interested in someone else. and...it's hurtful...even though you know it's for the best b/c something 'deeper' would never work out. but...not being the center of someone's world sucks....especially when you once were. maybe it was all in my dreams....and no one has ever been infatuated w/ me. and...i just feel like i can be myself around them but they just don't like me. relationships which break are just plain hard. the result of living in fallen world. our hearts were not meant to break. we were made to love and be loved. my theology sucks, but something is true within that statement.

did you know that God loves us with an unconditional love? a selfless love? not wanting anything back from us. but, loves us. just because that is who he is? isn't that incredible? it's an intrinsic characteristic of God: Love. he doesn't need anything from us. despite the fact we often think he does. we play the 'poor God' card and rally ourselves to preach the gospel everywhere...b/c if we don't no one will hear. not true. (again, poor or underdeveloped theology). but...i guess tonight i began to wonder if anyone would stick through life w/ me. i often have people hang out w/ me for awhile and then they move on quickly. is it an air i put off? yes. i'll admit i have turned a cold shoulder to a few different guys i knew i didn't want to be involved with. but, wht of the people in my life who were good friends...and then just blew me off? i can't just shake that hurt. should i? should i just shake hurt? or should i dive in and explore all possible reasons for the hurt and identify my wrong, their wrong, the wrong, etc..... i think i will explore these issues as i begin my studies next fall in the spiritual formation program. i have a feeling i will be doing alot of exploring past experiences in life.

who i am...

		You scored as Anselm, Anselm is the outstanding theologian of the medieval period.He sees man's primary problem as having failed to render unto God what we owe him, so God becomes man in Christ and gives God what he is due. You should read 'Cur Deus Homo?' Anselm 80% Jonathan Edwards 73% Charles Finney 67% Friedrich Schleiermacher 53% John Calvin 40% Jürgen Moltmann 33% Augustine 27% Martin Luther 27% Paul Tillich 20% Karl Barth 20% Which theologian are you? created with QuizFarm.com

i think i've become a jerk.
i have been a jerk lately.
should i be surprised?
no. i should expect it.
that's me w/o the Christ filter on.
filter on...? check.

let me out of your box....dangit.

greetings.

peace. it's been awhile. sorry. sorta. the hiatus from blogging has been somewhat intentional and somewhat circumstantial. i will be the first to admit i often blog when i am bored or attempting to procrastinate in some regard. so...often when i had a paper due or reading to finish or something of that nature. my life has been free from these obligations/responsibilties in the past few weeks so my computer has been stashed away. but i am back. check it.

i am grinning gleefully because i am totally beating my sister in the simpsons road rage game. she gets pretty upset if she looses at these games. shh....dont' tell her. but, sometimes i let her win just so she'll keep playing w/ me.


I spent the first weekend w/ my sister. My parents came up the following weekend and we celebrated my dad's birthday. i am not sure why zach picked out a pink cake. but...please note that it is a layered cake. zach didn't think i could do it. but....i did. i think the blue candles even out the femininity of the pink/purple frosting. hey...it tasted good.


the next weekend i finally got to go on vacation w/ my family. it's been awhile since i've gone w/ them on a family vacation. what used to be a family tradition of traveling somewhere in the summer....continued when i went overseas. they went to washington d.c., germany, colorado, and toured the upper western states....all without me! can you believe that? well.....they took me to the dells this time to an indoor waterpark. not germany...but, i felt like a kid again. plus, i got a new swimsuit out of the deal. i actually had a ton of fun. we went go karting and did miniture golf.... and the room had a fireplace.



abbie didn't have so much fun. she spent the first evening puking. i slept through it...but, she was pretty sick the rest of the weekend. zach and i continued to race each other down the slides while good ole' gma stayed in the room w/ the sick kiddo.



i got my chance to take care of abbie. i went back to dm to watch the sick kid while my sister and zach worked. we watched carebears. note tenderheart bear in my lap. he's orange. abbie wanted to be strapped into her seat. i obliged. doesn't she look pathetic?


abbie fed me sometimes. i even remembered to put her pants on the second day.



we are loading up the car in hopes of getting discovered. doesn't she look like a model? seriously.



we had a race. i won. the pink carriage somehow slipped out from underneath abbie and she is now sitting confounded upon the grass. poor kid.


we went swimming. she enjoyed it until we turned on the sprinkler. before pulling her out of her misery i had to take a picture. kids are adorable when they cry....don't you think?










she is climbing into the potty. i don't think she gets it yet. i had fun telling her to let her dolly go for a swim. my sister didnt' think it was funny. that's why i am the aunt.


I think abbie had a fun time hanging out w/ me. i had fun dumping water on her.

get inside my box...dangit.