Saturday, September 30, 2006

thoughts.

some more thoughts.

people are looking for love.
i watched part of a chick flick tonight.
man. it was crap! people thinking their lives were USELESS if not in a relationship! can you believe it? it was just...awful. full of crap. i felt awful after letting that crap enter my head. but, it was even more sad...b/c this crap is entering the minds of people throughout america..and the world. they think relationships are going to fulfil them. but they will not.

but, parts of the film...made me miss the deep conversations i had w/ people...who really cared about me...and looked me in the eye....dang. why do i let myself feel like this? it's crap.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

hopesfall lyrics.broken heart of a traitor.

will the waves of time wash away the pain in my heart? can i bury the knife that has pierced my soul, or will i continue to turn it to remind me of my own blindness? because i find no touch of grace to surprise my eyes, or rest my spirit. and i have come to realize my good moments were forged in self deception...and the question that plagues my mind...is grace enough? to build a bridge once burned, to fill what is hollow with the substance of virtue. though the wings of a dove have wiped the tears from my eyes, this tounge has fanned the flames of unforgiveness. but love suffers long and rejoices in truth...and this imperfect creation is shortcoming, but striving none the less for that which is eternal.
hopesfall lyrics.broken heart of a traitor.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

book report: who needs theology?

Introduction
I am guilty. I am guilty of a surface level understanding and belief concerning the urgent importance of ‘good’ theology. “Who Needs Theology,” written by Stan Grenz and Roger Olson, dismantles misconceived ideas concerning theology, and successfully urges Christian’s to continue a lifelong pursuit of maturity in faith by means of right theological reflection.


Experience and Truth

Knowledge and experience are intertwined. Mere knowledge is not, and cannot, be the ultimate goal of theology. Satan knows more about God than many, but what does he do with this knowledge? Does experience give rise to sound theology? Grenz and Olson raise these ideas in chapter eight of “Who Needs Theology?” They point out how what is experienced is not necessarily what is true. Their suggestion is to take truth and apply it to our experiences.
This chapter resonated deeply within me, as I have struggled with how godly men and women arrive at different conclusions concerning the same matter. Often different personal experiences can be traced as the reasoning. However, experience is impossible to argue against. Personal experience is a strong factor in both secular and Christian circles. Grenz and Olson simply illuminated how experience often overrides what is true. This section caused me to reflect upon my desperate need for self-control as I often allow emotions from personal experience override what can be determined as true from further study and reflection. Grenz and Olson don’t say experience is bad, but simply how we should be aware of how personal experiences cause interpretation of certain situations around us to be different. We live our lives, and formulate beliefs within the context of experience, so we shouldn’t deny this fact. It’s not a weakness, but simply true. We need to identify and understand our worldview, with the ultimate goal of developing an interpretive framework which views life from God’s perspective. What an encouragement I found within this thought process. An encouragement to study theology, and work towards understanding everything in the world as God perceives it. It’s also humbling because this is impossible to completely obtain.

A Challenge
No one wants to have ‘folk theology’ be the source of their foundation. Grenz and Olson describe four different types of theology within their book. The least thoughtful and reflective was deemed, “Folk Theology. ” Based mostly upon unquestioned tradition and a rejection of critical reflection, it seems many who adhere to certain ‘folk theologies’ would rather not have ‘good’ or sound theology presented to them. Instead of seeing questions as pertinent to seeking and understanding their faith, they see it as a detriment. An illuminating illustration was given in chapter two which described a man walking through the forest with a dim candle. Along comes a theologian and snuffs out the candle. For some, the story ends here. But, in reality the theologian snuffs out the candle and then hands the guy a bright flashlight to find his way through the darkened forest . As I was reading, I realized how often I desire to keep the dim candle, because I am scared of that brief instant when the candle is extinguished and the flash light isn’t switched on. Or, what if the switch doesn’t work? Then I am left with nothing. I would rather stick to the dim truth I know than risk change. It’s humbling to admit you were wrong and to accept someone else’s help.

Conclusion
The three other types of theology Grenz and Olson describe have a common thread of reflection upon the Christian faith, and not unquestioningly accepting things. I was challenged to engage in these types of theological reflection and to accept and seek help from others in this pursuit. Theology is not an isolated exercise, but one experienced and developed in the context of community.

my day?

daniel was gone today. it was amazing. i felt like i could interact w/ the other kids...and i felt a release of tension. i am always scared he will take a chunk out of another kids arm or face. that'd be a bummer.

so...after work i drove home w/ the windows down and moon roof open. i blasted #4 on coldplays 'xy' album. pretty sweet. i entered the house...and proceeded to eat fresh pumpkin bread and gulp down a glass of water. then i checked out what was happening on the news. then i checked my email...and then unloaded the dishwasher before my mom came home. then...i went and got the oil changed w/ my mom. then, we went to wal-mart and got a few things. i came home and made my family dinner. it was so gourmet. grilled chicken, green beans and brownies. and pineapple. i gotta give myself room for improvement. now...i'm upstairs...and supposedly writing a paper on a book, 'what is theology' by stanley grenz and roger olson. it's a great book....and i would highly recommend. a short read...but...well worth it. it got me thinking about alot of different issues.

in any event. that is my mundane life. but, enjoying it.

question: do an internship w/ international justice mission? or go to school? or...try to find a boy so i can have kids and then move overseas?
(i really want to do the last one...and be a mom overseas w/ my husband w/ a 'real' tentmaking job...but, this is really only a dream).

living in freedom is so good. i hope you are today.

i am excited for my good good friend brittney to come over and visit.

you make me laugh buddy!!

off to write a paper.

for miles....by thrice.

i know one day, all our scars will disappear, like the stars at dawn
and all of our pain, will fade away when morning comes
and on that day when we look backwards we will see, that everything is changed
and all of our trials, will be as milestones on the way

and as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone's broken heart
and there's no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends

on that day all of the scales will swing to set all the wrongs to right
all our tears, and all of our fears will take to flight
but until then all of our scars will still remain, but we've learned that if we'll
open the wounds and share them then soon they start to heal

(as long as we live, we are bridges to someone broken heart
there's no greater love, shed your blood for your friends)

we must see that every scar is a bridge, and as long as we live
we must open up these wounds
when some one stands in your shoes and will shed his own blood
there's no greater love. we must open up our wounds


lyrics from thrice.
sweet song.

Monday, September 18, 2006

thoughts.

i've been reading. writing. all evening.

my mind is full.

my heart is empty again.

i wnat to love.

i realize i am lazy. i dislike that.
i think i am lazy at times b/c i lack confidence to be otherwise.
i don't want to walk over anyone. so...i hold back alot.

argh...God...look at my heart. cuz...i don't even want to write about it here.

this is not....

in case you forgot....this is not our home.

i don't know about you...but my home is in heaven.

oh...i hope we don't easily or quickly forget that.

Friday, September 15, 2006

what's it like?

if i take my eyes off the kid....he'll bite or spit on something of someone. he'll grab hair too. today, this cute little girl from the other preschool came in. she comes in to set a good example to the kids that have difficulties. but...daniel decided he doesn't like kids w/ brown hair. he wants to eat them. he wants to eat me too. this girl was just walking quietly to her seat when daniel comes up behind her and grabs her hair and tries to bite the back of her head. luckily two teachers were w/n arms length...and could stop the situation before it got out of hand. but, not w/o scaring the girl and about giving me a heart attack. and then daniel laughed hysterically about the girls tears and that's when he told me, 'i don't like that girl...i want to eat her...'

usually because he doesn't like to get up....so he bites. he doesn't like to put his shoes on....so he bites. he doesn't like to hold my hand....so he bites. he also bites and spits because he doesn't like to stay on the wood chips. he doesn't like to play nice. he doens't like the alphabet. he doesn't like the word 'what' or 'please' or 'shhh' or the letter 'l.' he doesn't like brown boys. he doesn't like fridays. he doesn't like to wake up. he doesn't like 'not chocolate' teddy grahams. he doesn't like to understand. and he doesn't like something.

he doesn't understand how to interact w/ other kids. he wants to play with them (i think). but, he only knows how to take things, throw things, bite things, spit on things. he doesn't understand half the words uttered to him....and probably half the words he utters himself. he has learned the behavior of biting and spitting when he hears/sees something he doesn't like. he get anxious and scratches and hits when something is different than he antcipated. everything is a fight. everything. from walking down the hallway, washing hands, playing with a toy, or doing a small task.

i am untrained for this position, but desparately want to help him. i love the kid. i do....but, my arms are sore...and i'm running out of ideas. you can label these problems and implement schedules to help him. but how exactly should these be implemented? i am unsure.

searching.

searching. that is what i'm doing.

i'm starting these new classes. i feel like i'm learning a lot. i desparately don't want this to be a mere exercise in accumulating knowledge. i want my life to be changed b/c of what i learn. i want my actions to follow my words....and my words to follow my belief. and my beliefs to be on a firm foundation.

i want to align my life w/ people that encouarge me. perhaps i am scared to reach out now...b/c i don't feel like i have that foundation/support in my life. i need that support in my life. i feel like relationships are so important. why do we starve ourselves from relationships that are good...for the sake of ministry? i see that happening alot around me. (more in the past). but, this is so unhealthy! how satan has us defeated when he can get us to belief that other Christ followers around us are of less importance/significance/urgency than those merely seeking to know the power of the gospel.

oh...i feel like i am missing something now. i dislike that feeling. i want more of God...but...a small part of me is just plain sad and frustrated. i can't explain myself at all.

but...one thing i can explain. is this overwhelming desire to be a mother...to have a family. this is an extremely new development in my life in the past few months. but, i realize that i desire this. i want this to be a significant part of my life! maybe this is b/c i am seeing the importance of family more and more. dang....how i want a sweet relationship w/ a God fearing man...and from that to flow a family that fears God and makes him known throughout all peoples we interact w/.

i watched part of 'cheaper by the dozen.' definately couldn't handle that many kids..but, the idea was nice. i am super emotional lately. more so than usual. i cry at silly movies...or even ideas that come in my head. i cried today as i watched the boy (5 yrs old) unable to socially interact w/ other kids. i see 5 years down the road...and him still struggling to engage with peers rightly. he can be the smartest kid...but, if he can't relate w/ others....life is going to be a heartache for him. and...especially for those who love him deeply (parents/teachers).

sigh. i don't understand mental disabilities. so frustrating.

my random thoughts to wrap up this long week.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

smells

smells trigger memories.

i am at my aunt and uncles.
i am sleeping downstairs.
it reminds me of christmas.
the smell.
the food.
the people.
i usually come here for thanksgiving. and...thanksgiving reminds me of christmas. so...right now i feel like christmas is close. and...i like christmas. it reminds me of family. but family reminds of me closeness. relationships. and love. i feel like i'm missing love in my life. and that makes me sad. i want to stop being sad. to stop desiring what is NOT mine right now. to stop pouting. i always tell a friend of mine to stop pouting...but, dang it, that's what i find myself doing. i don't want that anymore. i am finished! i am to enjoy this time in my life and what God has for me! thank you for this time. thank you for what you have blessed me w/ in the past...even though it no longer is there. thank you for what you have done in my life since that time. you are an awesome God...who cares about my heart. may i really believe that! give me joy tomorrow....as i seek to follow you and love others around me!

family.

i realize how important family is.

i long for family.

i long for someone to share the love that overflows in my heart.

i want to spur others on in truth.

but i want someone to share my life w/. the good. the bad. the ugly. the joyful. the happy. the mundane. dang it. i want deep relationships.

i am living w/ my parents. which is good to an extent. but, not so great as well. i don't want to become 'ok' w/ things. and be 'ok' w/ the superficial and not going deep. it's too easy for me to revert back to being a kid. letting my mom take care of me. not challenging myself...not being disciplined. when i lived w/ others and around others and was mostly alone in life...i felt that challenge to take care of myself. to reach out to others around me... but, now that i'm w/ my family...i could just as easily sit and watch others interact and be lazy. not work at relationships. i don't want to be lazy! i want to ask deep questions...good questions. why am i lazy? i see this laziness seep into me. am i being too hard on myself? or not hard enough? i wanted to get up early this morning and study. but i slept in. i didn't even go to church.

i was also going to get up early and devote my mornings to personal time w/ God...and my afternoons to studying the stuff for my classes. that didn't work. i just slept and ate breakfast. i don't like getting up cuz i don't want to go to work and have some kid bite me. i don't like this lazy pattern i see in me. one of the least attractive things about others to me...is their lack of concern and seeming lazy spirit towards others. like...laying on the couch watching tv and not interacting w/ others. sure...it's been a long week..and it's good to unwind...but, aren't relationships fulfilling? maybe not to all people...but you're not around extended family a lot. INTERACT! but...nah...i do the same thing. i just get bitter about it deep down.

and get sad b/c i don't have someone to share my life w/....and to talk w/...and to be real w/. i long for that. i feel alone... i want to sit w/ someone and read. i want to swing on the bench w/ someone... those things aren't fun alone.

i'm just dang lonely and having a hard time going to God w/ it. it makes me almost run futher away. oh..make that stop Father! i want YOU to inflitrate my heart.

argh...i feel this frustration and lack of peace unfolding in my heart again. much of a similar nature to that of last year. why? i didn't feel that most of this summer. what am i discontent about? have i made a wrong decision? God...clense my heart...and direct me in the way you would like me to go. i know it's not about what i do...but, put me in the place that is best for you.

take control...take control....give me words...and may i be strong...and not tossed around.