searching.
searching. that is what i'm doing.
i'm starting these new classes. i feel like i'm learning a lot. i desparately don't want this to be a mere exercise in accumulating knowledge. i want my life to be changed b/c of what i learn. i want my actions to follow my words....and my words to follow my belief. and my beliefs to be on a firm foundation.
i want to align my life w/ people that encouarge me. perhaps i am scared to reach out now...b/c i don't feel like i have that foundation/support in my life. i need that support in my life. i feel like relationships are so important. why do we starve ourselves from relationships that are good...for the sake of ministry? i see that happening alot around me. (more in the past). but, this is so unhealthy! how satan has us defeated when he can get us to belief that other Christ followers around us are of less importance/significance/urgency than those merely seeking to know the power of the gospel.
oh...i feel like i am missing something now. i dislike that feeling. i want more of God...but...a small part of me is just plain sad and frustrated. i can't explain myself at all.
but...one thing i can explain. is this overwhelming desire to be a mother...to have a family. this is an extremely new development in my life in the past few months. but, i realize that i desire this. i want this to be a significant part of my life! maybe this is b/c i am seeing the importance of family more and more. dang....how i want a sweet relationship w/ a God fearing man...and from that to flow a family that fears God and makes him known throughout all peoples we interact w/.
i watched part of 'cheaper by the dozen.' definately couldn't handle that many kids..but, the idea was nice. i am super emotional lately. more so than usual. i cry at silly movies...or even ideas that come in my head. i cried today as i watched the boy (5 yrs old) unable to socially interact w/ other kids. i see 5 years down the road...and him still struggling to engage with peers rightly. he can be the smartest kid...but, if he can't relate w/ others....life is going to be a heartache for him. and...especially for those who love him deeply (parents/teachers).
sigh. i don't understand mental disabilities. so frustrating.
my random thoughts to wrap up this long week.
i'm starting these new classes. i feel like i'm learning a lot. i desparately don't want this to be a mere exercise in accumulating knowledge. i want my life to be changed b/c of what i learn. i want my actions to follow my words....and my words to follow my belief. and my beliefs to be on a firm foundation.
i want to align my life w/ people that encouarge me. perhaps i am scared to reach out now...b/c i don't feel like i have that foundation/support in my life. i need that support in my life. i feel like relationships are so important. why do we starve ourselves from relationships that are good...for the sake of ministry? i see that happening alot around me. (more in the past). but, this is so unhealthy! how satan has us defeated when he can get us to belief that other Christ followers around us are of less importance/significance/urgency than those merely seeking to know the power of the gospel.
oh...i feel like i am missing something now. i dislike that feeling. i want more of God...but...a small part of me is just plain sad and frustrated. i can't explain myself at all.
but...one thing i can explain. is this overwhelming desire to be a mother...to have a family. this is an extremely new development in my life in the past few months. but, i realize that i desire this. i want this to be a significant part of my life! maybe this is b/c i am seeing the importance of family more and more. dang....how i want a sweet relationship w/ a God fearing man...and from that to flow a family that fears God and makes him known throughout all peoples we interact w/.
i watched part of 'cheaper by the dozen.' definately couldn't handle that many kids..but, the idea was nice. i am super emotional lately. more so than usual. i cry at silly movies...or even ideas that come in my head. i cried today as i watched the boy (5 yrs old) unable to socially interact w/ other kids. i see 5 years down the road...and him still struggling to engage with peers rightly. he can be the smartest kid...but, if he can't relate w/ others....life is going to be a heartache for him. and...especially for those who love him deeply (parents/teachers).
sigh. i don't understand mental disabilities. so frustrating.
my random thoughts to wrap up this long week.
posted by lp at 9:38 PM
1 Comments:
Wow. I'm praying for you, that you would have patience and compassion to care for that boy. As to your thoughts on family and relationships, you're so right. We are weakest when we're alone - by circumstance or choice - and that is when we fall. I hope that you're finding community and support!
God Bless
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