family.

i realize how important family is.

i long for family.

i long for someone to share the love that overflows in my heart.

i want to spur others on in truth.

but i want someone to share my life w/. the good. the bad. the ugly. the joyful. the happy. the mundane. dang it. i want deep relationships.

i am living w/ my parents. which is good to an extent. but, not so great as well. i don't want to become 'ok' w/ things. and be 'ok' w/ the superficial and not going deep. it's too easy for me to revert back to being a kid. letting my mom take care of me. not challenging myself...not being disciplined. when i lived w/ others and around others and was mostly alone in life...i felt that challenge to take care of myself. to reach out to others around me... but, now that i'm w/ my family...i could just as easily sit and watch others interact and be lazy. not work at relationships. i don't want to be lazy! i want to ask deep questions...good questions. why am i lazy? i see this laziness seep into me. am i being too hard on myself? or not hard enough? i wanted to get up early this morning and study. but i slept in. i didn't even go to church.

i was also going to get up early and devote my mornings to personal time w/ God...and my afternoons to studying the stuff for my classes. that didn't work. i just slept and ate breakfast. i don't like getting up cuz i don't want to go to work and have some kid bite me. i don't like this lazy pattern i see in me. one of the least attractive things about others to me...is their lack of concern and seeming lazy spirit towards others. like...laying on the couch watching tv and not interacting w/ others. sure...it's been a long week..and it's good to unwind...but, aren't relationships fulfilling? maybe not to all people...but you're not around extended family a lot. INTERACT! but...nah...i do the same thing. i just get bitter about it deep down.

and get sad b/c i don't have someone to share my life w/....and to talk w/...and to be real w/. i long for that. i feel alone... i want to sit w/ someone and read. i want to swing on the bench w/ someone... those things aren't fun alone.

i'm just dang lonely and having a hard time going to God w/ it. it makes me almost run futher away. oh..make that stop Father! i want YOU to inflitrate my heart.

argh...i feel this frustration and lack of peace unfolding in my heart again. much of a similar nature to that of last year. why? i didn't feel that most of this summer. what am i discontent about? have i made a wrong decision? God...clense my heart...and direct me in the way you would like me to go. i know it's not about what i do...but, put me in the place that is best for you.

take control...take control....give me words...and may i be strong...and not tossed around.