home.
i drove home tonight.
usually i am excited to drive up over the hill and see the lights from the small city light up the night sky. but this evening i wasn't too excited.
what have i done? i am in control of my life...(to a certain extent). why did i just drive away from many people who care about me?? why? two great friends shared a meal w/ me tonight. two friends i know are a gift from God. seriously. they both were placed in my life at times when i was extremely broken...needing a good friend. why?
i long to belong and be wanted.
----
in a few ways...it feels right to be home. to sit at my desk and to look above my computer at pictures of faces which have impacted me greatly. there is big num...and lindsay on a bike in thailand. the whole semester thailand team and the leaders from canaan church taken the first weekend in pattaya. then there is the shadows of me and lindsay and jen on the beach in thailand. i have a ukrainian flag hanging to my left...and a huge map of ukraine w/ pins in all the different cities we have done camps. I have pictures taken in alaska during the summer of my junior year in highschool....mountains...sunsets...oceans...rivers...beautiful. God's creation.
I feel at home. like..i am finally in one place. around stuff that is 'mine.' am i materialistic? dang...there is something about having your own place. your own area. i am thankful for these times....when i can live out of my car for a month..and live alone in an apartment for 3 months...and to go out after work and not come home until late w/ no one to worry....to spend money on a new book and not have to explain it to anyone...to make my own dinner and not worry about pleasing anyone else. but...honestly, all of those things i don't like as well. i would rather have stability...i would rather go home and make dinner for someone...i would rather go home after work than avoid going home to an empty house.
thus continues my confusion...but, enjoyment of this stage in life. can that make sense? i am enjoying this time...i am. but, i also long for that stability.
i want to share my life w/ people...i want to exemplify the joy of CHrist in my life. God knows what i need...may i trust him...
i am tired...i am not making sense...can i write more later?
usually i am excited to drive up over the hill and see the lights from the small city light up the night sky. but this evening i wasn't too excited.
what have i done? i am in control of my life...(to a certain extent). why did i just drive away from many people who care about me?? why? two great friends shared a meal w/ me tonight. two friends i know are a gift from God. seriously. they both were placed in my life at times when i was extremely broken...needing a good friend. why?
i long to belong and be wanted.
----
in a few ways...it feels right to be home. to sit at my desk and to look above my computer at pictures of faces which have impacted me greatly. there is big num...and lindsay on a bike in thailand. the whole semester thailand team and the leaders from canaan church taken the first weekend in pattaya. then there is the shadows of me and lindsay and jen on the beach in thailand. i have a ukrainian flag hanging to my left...and a huge map of ukraine w/ pins in all the different cities we have done camps. I have pictures taken in alaska during the summer of my junior year in highschool....mountains...sunsets...oceans...rivers...beautiful. God's creation.
I feel at home. like..i am finally in one place. around stuff that is 'mine.' am i materialistic? dang...there is something about having your own place. your own area. i am thankful for these times....when i can live out of my car for a month..and live alone in an apartment for 3 months...and to go out after work and not come home until late w/ no one to worry....to spend money on a new book and not have to explain it to anyone...to make my own dinner and not worry about pleasing anyone else. but...honestly, all of those things i don't like as well. i would rather have stability...i would rather go home and make dinner for someone...i would rather go home after work than avoid going home to an empty house.
thus continues my confusion...but, enjoyment of this stage in life. can that make sense? i am enjoying this time...i am. but, i also long for that stability.
i want to share my life w/ people...i want to exemplify the joy of CHrist in my life. God knows what i need...may i trust him...
i am tired...i am not making sense...can i write more later?
posted by lp at 10:01 PM
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