break-ups. rejects. replacements.
does this blog seem to have a negative undertone? hmm...maybe it's b/c whenever i feel in the mood to write...it's when i'm feeling a bit down. such is the case now. would you like to hear why? of course. you don't have a choice. and sense two people i know of read this....it doesn't really matter.
today at work..they interviewed someone new for my position. i am leaving. yes. the decision was made awhile back. i seemed fine w/ the decision although it was difficult to come to. but...when this girl came in...i felt like i was being replaced. (i am). i didn't want the attorneys to like her better than me. i didn't want her to do a better job than me. i felt inferior...and a reject. i felt like i had been dumped...and my ex was now dating someone. it felt crappy. i didn't like the feeling at all. i felt sad and wanted to cry.
i walked out of the office....holding back tears. b/c...all i wanted to do was to go to a friend and cry and be held and comforted. to have a safe place i could cry and be heard and understood. but...i dont' have that place. it makes me feel even more lonely. but...i definately have more of a place of belonging than alot of other people in the world! why am i such a whiner? seriously. i am a whiner.
this weekend at church they spoke at on psalm 23. i cried alot at the end as they sang, 'i will not be afraid...i will trust in you...' as i realized how much i could trust God. but...how much trusting him scares me alot. i want to be in control of my future. but, i am not. i thought i had a plan for my life...but...alas i do not! i don't know what i'll be doing in four months (yet again). it's the story of my life. i go in 6 month cycles it seems. but, i don't need to be afraid. i can trust my father. nothing i do is out of his sovereignity. NOTHING.
Father..help me to trust in you. to just lay my heart and desires at your feet...and let you shape and modld them. i often feel as if i am not doing what brings you the most glory...and me the most joy. i long to find something to pour my life into. i felt this when i was overseas...but, not here. i want to find that place and pour my heart and life into it. show me what that is! help me seek out ways to equip myself for what you would have for me in the future! i want to be used by you! not to earn your love anymore...for i know you love me now and i lack nothing...but b/c you deserve it. i want others to know you. help me find a way to just really pour out my life and heart to your children....to be used by you. it excites me to think that this could exist somewhere. but makes my heart sick to think this longing will never be fullfilled.
i do long to have this fulfilled w/ other people in my life. i long to share my life closely w/ another...who understands me and loves me...but more so loves and cherishes you. oh...Father...i trust that you will provide and i will not be afraid.
awkaen my heart. i don't want to settle. i think that is my biggest fear.
today at work..they interviewed someone new for my position. i am leaving. yes. the decision was made awhile back. i seemed fine w/ the decision although it was difficult to come to. but...when this girl came in...i felt like i was being replaced. (i am). i didn't want the attorneys to like her better than me. i didn't want her to do a better job than me. i felt inferior...and a reject. i felt like i had been dumped...and my ex was now dating someone. it felt crappy. i didn't like the feeling at all. i felt sad and wanted to cry.
i walked out of the office....holding back tears. b/c...all i wanted to do was to go to a friend and cry and be held and comforted. to have a safe place i could cry and be heard and understood. but...i dont' have that place. it makes me feel even more lonely. but...i definately have more of a place of belonging than alot of other people in the world! why am i such a whiner? seriously. i am a whiner.
this weekend at church they spoke at on psalm 23. i cried alot at the end as they sang, 'i will not be afraid...i will trust in you...' as i realized how much i could trust God. but...how much trusting him scares me alot. i want to be in control of my future. but, i am not. i thought i had a plan for my life...but...alas i do not! i don't know what i'll be doing in four months (yet again). it's the story of my life. i go in 6 month cycles it seems. but, i don't need to be afraid. i can trust my father. nothing i do is out of his sovereignity. NOTHING.
Father..help me to trust in you. to just lay my heart and desires at your feet...and let you shape and modld them. i often feel as if i am not doing what brings you the most glory...and me the most joy. i long to find something to pour my life into. i felt this when i was overseas...but, not here. i want to find that place and pour my heart and life into it. show me what that is! help me seek out ways to equip myself for what you would have for me in the future! i want to be used by you! not to earn your love anymore...for i know you love me now and i lack nothing...but b/c you deserve it. i want others to know you. help me find a way to just really pour out my life and heart to your children....to be used by you. it excites me to think that this could exist somewhere. but makes my heart sick to think this longing will never be fullfilled.
i do long to have this fulfilled w/ other people in my life. i long to share my life closely w/ another...who understands me and loves me...but more so loves and cherishes you. oh...Father...i trust that you will provide and i will not be afraid.
awkaen my heart. i don't want to settle. i think that is my biggest fear.
posted by lp at 4:51 PM
1 Comments:
Hmm, good news and bad news.
It's kind of one thing rolled together.
The thing that you can pour your life into is this:
living as God commands you to.
With kindness, compassion, joy, faith, and love.
I'm pretty sure that this is the sum of His commandments to us, that we live as He commands, and through this glorify Him. Good works annd compassionate ones are a necessary and natural part of this, I think.
Is this what you thought, or did you have something else in mind?
Also, I kind of am envious of the freedom of schedule you have. I feel like I am locked into a 45 hour / week commitment for the rest of my life. It's pretty scary.
Anyway, I'm interested to know what you think about this.
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