silent movers.

i moved out of my apartment tonight. it was a late night. and a few other tenants were moving their stuff out as well. it was an odd exchange. a slight nod in the parking lot...maybe a door held here or there for someone else. but...no words exchanged. i could have asked if someone needed help...but it didn't seem to fit. we were all going about our small move...and we all seemed content to do it alone. and...i didn't feel guilty about not asking someone if i could help them. but in an odd way i felt a sort of commroderie (sp?).

now my apartment is empty...and the fact is that i'm leaving this town. it's for certain. i cannot believe i have lived here 5 years. and for the first time i am really feeling connected. connected to others around me, connected to some people in the church.

for much of this year i struggled w/...just what i thought to be a lack of women living for kingdom purposes in our church. i didn't see any women that i wanted to pattern my life after. God has really convicted me how selfish and completely sinful that attitude was. and...that sin robbed me of pure and good relationships w/ others. why did i not see God working in the lives of the women here? i was so prideful to think that i had it all together... and that i knew what God would have for my life and for others as well. who was i to think others were living in sin? or not for God's best? that is not my place!! in my struggle w/ this particular sin...so much pride can be found.

keep me from this sin father...may i be confident of what you are doing in my life and the lives of others around me. may i not see family and kids as a second-rate responsiblity. show me what your heart is about... continue to refine me. may i not base my worth on what i can do for you...but..maybe i see how you saved me. you loved me first...and that is the only reason i can even life for you today! because you first loved us.......

thank you for silent nights. for people i feel close to even when words aren't exchanged. thank you for friends. for family. for life breath and everything else. give my mind rest tonight... so that tomorrow i can awake and enter deposits and answer the phone.