headaches in the morning.

today is the first day i didn't get up right after my alarm rang. i stayed up too late. i didn't want to go to bed...but i didn't want to get up in the morning.

i'm thinking of ukraine. wondering why i'm speculative about being used as an american. do their words mean anything? do i believe whatever anyone says? i think i have this fear of being tricked. i never believe what people say.... seriously. i always look behind and try to see their motive. i totally did this w/ my past serious relationship. it's true. he told me one thing...and i didn't believe him. he told me he liked me and wanted to pursue me. but, i didn't believe him for a long time. but, you know what? i began to believe him and what he said...and i got hurt. a lot. but, you knwo what i think as i type this? i think it's ok to get hurt....really. i'd rather be the one who gets hurt...then the one who sits leaning backwards with a negative attitude. i think there would be so much more joy in my life if i did this.

the ukraine church wrote this letter to the american team from my home church. i know this ukrainian church and the leaders well. but, as i read the email which praised the american church...i coudln't help but feel they were just buttering them up so they would return the next summer. but...then a little bit inside of me said...'didn't the churches want paul to return?" oh...of course they did! but that didn't make them super dependent upon paul. and...if it did God by his spirit stopped paul from going there. God is in this..it's not just if parkview decideds to grace cherkassy w/ their presence again.

dang. make me have a stronger faith in you father. may i believe what people tell me...and stop trying to read into things. may i just take it for what they say it is. if i find out later it's different...so be it!