employment bliss.... perhaps.

since my last post... i have become employed. i jumped through all the silly hoops needed to work at a nearby school district. i am working in a severely handicapped classroom of 4th-6th graders. supposedly it's an autism focused classroom. it was a relief to secure a job. it's a bit disappointing because the hours at this place are incredibly minimal..but, it's better than nothing. eventually i will probably start subbing in the afternoons to supplement my income. i've been working two weeks... just in the mornings. most of the afternoons i come home and enjoy a long lunch and then perhaps take a nap. i've grown fairly addicted to sleeping the past few weeks. i thought i was fighting something off...b/c for awhile i couldn't seem to stay awake. but...alas...i think i just am enjoying being unconscious. i talked w/ dan about this a few nights ago. starting a job was a bit stressful....and especially being in a chaotic classroom without many rules to follow. i was looking for an administrative job...b/c at least with that job there are specific things you need to do. you make a list and you do them. you answer the phone when it rings. kids...are a completely different story. different kid. different personality. different issues. different triggers. different "tricks" to get them to do what you want them to do. sigh. it was overwhelming and for awhile i was pretty glad i worked only a few hours a day. i'm not sure i could have handled anymore. sometimes i've gotten frustrated with my personality... why can i get out there and conquer the world? and then...dan reminds me that i am out there. and i've applied to as many places as possible. i am applying for grad school next semester (just finished the application last week). perhaps i am hard on myself....but, i'm not quite sure yet. i tend to live in this "other" reality. like...'well, other people have two kids and they aren't upset like me.' . ... or 'other people live overseas and are single and aren't as upset as me.' or... 'other people are single and i am dating someone and still feel lonely.' sigh. this has been my life as of late. i'm a bit down still. not quite sure why. i remember and recall each of my friends (especially those that read this blog) and ... my heart goes out to you. i think i miss you...and could use a good squeeze and tea from deb and a long chat w/ lindsay and a game night with rachel. ... and maybe just a nice cup of coffee next to a nice warm fire. what keeps me from picking up the phone and calling at these times i most need to talk? i'm not sure. perhaps it's because i know you each have your own stuff...and my "stuff" seems trivial and silly in the scheme of things. anyways... i am missing my scattered friends this evening. and am thankful for each of you in my life. even when i don't converse with you near as much as i would like.