isf is presenting a lecture series on spiritual formation in the upcoming weeks. i think it will be pretty sweet. i am fairly certain that cds will be made available after the series. the topics look really interesting. i am especially interested on coe's lecture on the spiritual discipline of emotional chastity. he has spoken about this a little bit in some of the classes i've taken, but i think we'll get the whole package in this evening. how can people not be interested in these topics? i am feeling pretty blessed to be where i am right now. i pretty much don't want to graduate. you can check out the topics here: lecture series. i'm sure i'll write a few thoughts about these series. i actually have all these peeps as profs this semester (except willard). i am currently in a theo class w/ porter. i am encouraged by this teaching style. i don't feel like unpacking that now. maybe i will later. if you're lucky. i have slightly grown disheartened with this blog.

wrong.

have you ever believed something so deeply.... something which began to shape so drastically your understanding of yourself and the world around you ... and then realized it was false?

but, then you can't seem to rip yourself away from those pieces that want to attach once again to that thing which was once so familiar... and that thing which once felt so right.
the problem remains that it wasn't true.

the problem increases because other people around you believe it's true...and continue to believe it's true. you want to scream at them that it's a lie. but, it doesn't even matter.

i'm pissed right now.
it's not true...these things that others say.
but, certain people believe them and take them to heart.
it angers me that they believe these lies about themselves.
i want them to realize the wrong they have done.
and to actually let themselves feel the deep pain stemming from their wrong.
but they don't.
and it makes me mad.

stop pushing away those guilty feelings.
because you're guilty....and you know it.

what am i talking about?
who cares. it's all futile.

awhile.

i didn't realize how long it had been since i posted. alas...it's been awhile. i don't have much to say. well, i think i probably do have a lot to say. on my three week the guy told me i should keep writing. i keep a lot of stuff inside me. sometimes it just erupts in this whole mess of stuff. i really like my thoughts sometimes. they make me laugh to myself. i wonder at people. i wonder what they are thinking or why they say the things they do. what makes people get up each morning and attempt to interact with the world around them? what's the point? at times it seems pointless to me....b/c everyone just feels lonely anyway. everyone attempts to make themselves look better in front of others. people seem to be jockeying for others attention and love. that's all we do...with no one secure enough to actually give the love. so...we're all a bunch of love hungry, unfulfilled savages. some people think they have found this thing to fulfill them...but it won't. they'll just bury the deep desire that is intrinsic to who they are. i don't want to bury that desire...but to live in it and embrace it. i make no sense. but, that's pretty much ok w/ me. you kept reading. so, thanks.

my three week has impacted me greatly... in ways i am not sure how to verbalize. it was an incredibly gift to be seen, heard and loved in a deep way. it was healing. i experienced healing. and...not in a cognitive understanding...but an actual experience. something which cannot be replicated. there is something to this relationship thing. perhaps that's why sin is broken relationship w/ God. we are relational beings. isn't that crazy? i don't want to be reliant and dependent upon others. but...the truth is that it's not good for man to be alone. we are made to be in relation with each other and God. sigh. how beautiful.