movie.

i would like to see this movie.

Maher-shalal

um...my smile was bigger for this video. it's super cute. the poor little guy was sad no one was giving him money! now get up and shake your booty! i know you are miss debbie.

hmm..

i'm not sure what i think about this.
http://www.powerpointsermons.com

need a smile?

i hope this makes you smile.

dang.

does this happen to you? you hear something. and...you agree w/ it. it makes sense. you would go and tell someone else the same thing. but....only a few year laters does it really hit the deep place in your heart?

i am a wicked sinner...in need of a savior.

i believe this. i have believed this for a long time. but, honestly...i need to remind myself of the utter truthfulness of this statement daily. i can begin to think i know my stuff. that i have something to offer. that i can keep myself from sinning. but when it comes down to it...i can't! when left on my own i am prone to wickedness. what is keeping me from sinning? what keeps me from indulging in things my flesh desires? many things like my fear of man. how often is it my fear of God which keeps me from indulging in my flesh?

i am a desparate sinner in need of a savior. i need to be saved from myself!

how differently we view wickedness in the world when we see that we are only capable of good things because of God and his goodness. because when left on our own we strive for only ourselves.

Redeem us.

yes.

love it.does anyone else? this commerical reminds me of work. how daniel talks to me. 'i bite you'... 'i spit because...' grand.

DEBBIE!!

love ya deb.

sheets.

pocohontas. those are the sheets i currently have on my bed. she's got long dark hair whipping through the air as she runs to some unknown destination. i love it. to go w/ my pocohontas sheets i have 101 dalmations pillow. sweet. maybe i'll post a picture of them so you can enjoy them as much as me.

so...this is pathetic. these sheets could account for the strange dreams i've been having. note the part where she is running frantically through the woods...that's what is pictured on my sheets. classic. i love you john smith.

miss.

i miss...
-praying for others with others.
-laughing.
-real conversations.

where is the authenticity? where is the realness? how does my life look different than any other person in america?

we have a friend that is desparately sick. he had major surgery yesterday which was life threatening given his condition. they went in and found his gall bladder was gangrene. yet...our family never prayed for him together except before a meal. it seems fake. do we really have a living and vibrant relationship w/ Christ? how come i can talk more openly w/ my friends about God than i can my own family? what is wrong w/ me? i long to have someone to share my life with...b/c i feel like a fake right now. why can't i step up and initiate this w/ my family? why does it feel so weird? is God calling me to this and i'm too scared? or...am i too idealistic?

i want to have a family completely living their life for God. i have no idea what that looks like...but I am confident God will guide our steps as we ask him to show us what it should look like.

i want to love others in my family deeply. i want to love others around me deeply. oh....clense my heart, O God. I have let you down in so many ways today and this past week. thanks for forgiving me... show me how to change my ways. continue to change me from the inside out. my heart is darkened deep within. my actions are manifesting something rooted deep within me... may i be made clean. erase this duplicity that i feel is characteristic of me right now. i want to be real. i want to love.

ramblings.

most of my posts are mere ramblings. but this post is official ramblings because...that's the title of the post.

i feel like i'm missing something in life. i'm not sure what. i love my family a lot. but, sometimes i feel inhibitied by them. i desire someone to understand me. to touch that deep place in my soul which longs to be understood and known. i don't want to just be the kid anymore. i think living at home propogates this feeling. i am frustrated and want to break free. but, also...the peace and joy i am experience this semester is BECAUSE i am living at home and i feel like i can relax and be taken care of! it's....a double edged sword basically. i don't like either. am i making any sense? it's secure living at home...but it's the very security that i find my inner self fighting against! i feel like i don't really have my own life. but, this life is not my own.

my mom and my sister enjoy my presence. i don't know why...b/c seriously this break i've been fairly boring and dull. i've been in that contemplative...observant...quiet...laid back...non-engaging type mood. i don't like this!!! i give my family the worst of me. i 'turn myself on' for others...(i engage them...ask questions...encourage)...but w/ my family i turn on 'auto-pilot.' like..in the movie, 'click,' w/ adam sandler. i don't want to do this! i'm not going to change when/if i meet someone. this is who i am deep down. i can't run away from this. i can't change on my own. but, i don't want to be like this anymore. is moving to LA going to change anything? no. i will be the same person. i am dang scared to move far away. when i went to ISU...i hid away in my room for a year. emerging occasionaly for class and the quickest meal possible. i was scared to interact w/ others. scared of being rejected. although i've changed much from those days... i still have those tendencies at my core. dont' i? or am i a completely new creation?

perhaps i've been in a foul mood this break b/c i don't want to leave, i'm scared to leave, and i'm pushing away the most important thing in my life right now: Family. i assure them i want to go, that it will be fine, that abbie won't miss me too much, that i won't forget them, blah blah blah. but...deep down i have the same questions. but, i don't want to lie to myself.

so...am i stepping out in faith to move far away? or...am i just running away from deeper issues? or..am i making too big of a deal out of this? it's not like i'm moving away for good. or for even 2 years. it's a semester. one to begin with.

it will be an adventure.

i often feel far from God. i want more of God in my life. i don't want to feel so alone. i want to stop attempting to make much of myself...and just stop and remember that God loves me for me. not what i do or pursue in life. for who he made me to be. may that soak into your children today...your love for us. may we believe you love us...and allow this powerful force, love, to transform us. what if we really believed? would our lives look different?

favorites.

my favorite holiday is by far thanksgiving. well...not by far.

thanksgiving is a beautiful time to stop and give thanks for life, breath and everything else. everything comes from above. enjoy those you break bread with tomorrow. may we take our eyes off ourselves.

the last two thanksgivings i have spent w/ a great friend, marta. what a blessing. both times it has been up in minnesota w/ my extended family. this year no marta and no minnesota. it will be different. i look back on the past year...what a blur.

each year i pick out a different ornament to symbolize the past year. i have 23 of them. this year i bought the tazmanian devil sticking a snowman w/ a broom. it seemed to depict my life well the past year.

i'm excited for my sis and little abbie to arrive. excited to have friends join me for this joyous holiday. me and mom worked much of the day preparing food, etc. i don't think i'll ever have thanksgiving dinner at my house. it's so difficult! i get stressed out so easily!

ok...must go study. i still have a killer headache....perhaps a sinus infection i have? oh well...go and be thankful.

autism.

check out this article.

the internet has become a place for parents of kids w/ autism to network. i think it's desparately important to help these families find a place for their adult child to survive. can you imagine being an elderly mother of a child w/ autism...wondering how your child will survive without you around? studies concerning this disorder have multipled in the past few years at an incredible rate. we need to become aware of this disorder and as we do our society will become more compassionate and open to those who are different. don't shy away from those that are socially awkward... try to be understanding. this was a great article and i hope you took a moment to read it.

poison.

what are you willing to die for?
this russian dude was drugged as he attempted to find out the truth behind the murder of a journalist in russia. isn't that crazy? it leaves me with the question: what am i willing to die for? when it comes down to it...what theological truth am i willing to die for? that the bible is inerrant? is that worth my life? or...is it only that Jesus is the only way? i wonder what i would do in certain circumstances. what is worth my life...?

christmas.

something about this season warms my heart. i love it. all the traditions must be kept. even if they aren't too much fun.

i make my mom buy eggnog, and drink out of these certain glasses. honestly, i don't really enjoy eggonog. it's the mere idea of it. you must join me in this tradition. turn the ligths down low, sit on a big comfy couch, turn the white lights on the tree on, and listen to the christmas music in the background. my preferred song you ask?

Tears are falling, hearts are breaking
How we need to hear from god
Youve been promised, weve been waiting
Welcome holy child
Welcome holy child

Hope that you dont mind our manger
How I wish we would have known
But long awaited holy stranger
Make yourself at home
Please make yourself at home

Bring your peace into our violence
Bid our hungry souls be filled
World now breaking heavens silence
Welcome to our world
Welcome to our world

Fragile finger sent to heal us
Tender brow prepared for thorn
Tiny heart whose blood will save us
Unto us is born
Unto us is born

So wrap our injured flesh around you
Breathe our air and walk our sod
Rob our sin and make us holy
Perfect son of god
Perfect son of god
Welcome to our world

This song is a beautiful piece w/ just voice and piano. the lyrics are great...and give the view of why Christmas is such a special time. God's son sent into the world to die for us. This tiny and perfect baby will grow into a perfect man whose blood will save us. amazing. moves my heart to worship. listen to this song if you can....preferrably w/ a glass of eggnog, a fire, and a lit christmas tree. w/ family would be fairly sweet to.

during this season...my longing for my own family emerges even greater w/n me. but i don't want to write about that. but...that desire definitely lives on.

so.

i've been working on hw much the past few days.
i posted the most recent paper i wrote on the other blog.
it's not too great.
i didn't understand the topic too great.
and actually was super frustrated b/c i didn't like the topic and found it silly to be discussing. but, i think ultimately the entire conversation made me realize the importance of the Bible. the very word of God! God reveals himself through this book!

i am confident the Bible was inspired by God and therefore inerrant. isn't this incredible? it's reliable. we should build our lives off of what this book says! not upon our feelings or thoughts!

God revealed himself. May we crave to hear what he desired to share with us!
i read romans 1 much differently now too.

i developed yet another cold....so i'm going to bed now.
after my training today i can now ward you off if you try to choke me, grab me or bite me. i can also put you in a hold to escort you to the office. watch out. you better be good around me now.

one more thought

i got rejected today.
ijm did for an internship.
that's ok....i really didn't want it.
if i was accepted i would have to make a decision.
and i think i want to go to school.

officially...this is the 2nd mission agency i've been turned down by.
hmm...

i'm getting pretty good at the whole rejection thing.
it's not all that bad actually... b/c one option is definitely shut.

God guides in this way.

take note.

my posts are scattered.
not really thought out before written.
see below.
i have a humongous headache.

we sing this song w/ that word in it and daniel thinks it's, "huge monkey"....and so that's what he says. isn't that cute? love it. i'm a girl. i like kids. next thing you know i'll wear something pink. watch out.

boys vs. men.

recently i have been thinking about raising boys vs. girls.

i recently concluded that i am ok w/ my life the way it is. if i remain single the rest of my life....grand. i know i will always be available to provide enough to keep myself sustained...and i really need not worry about other people. scenario: me living overseas teaching english. i can practically do this alone...and make enough money to rent a cheap apartment and eat occasionally. this would be much more difficult if i were to have kids. therefore, i once again am content w/ my life at this point. i am excited about the idea of living overseas...and really just having to 'worry' about myself.

(please note...i know we are not suppose to worry b/c we can trust God w/ our problems. this is not the issue i am arguing at this point. what i am saying is ultimately i am only responsible to God for myself).

it makes me think of how men have much more riding upon their shoulders. they are held accountable for the lives of their spouse and children. they are to be the leaders of the household. this is why boys must be raised differently than girls. i consider myself quite dependent in many aspects of the word. i used to feel badly about this..until i realized that my father will continue to provide for me until a male comes along and deems me worthwhile to pursue. this may sound...cavelike or something...but, there is something to this.

things about the above paragraph dont' sit well with me because i know that i am capable of much. i don't need the support of some guy. but, i can't argue w/ my nature that loves it when a guy protects me, or serves me, or provides for me in a way i cannot. it just...causes this feminine stuff to ooze out of me. it's like...when a guy pursues me i begin to open up and flourish.

i used to think this was a nasty phenomenon as people i knew got married and changed a bit. but, now i realize that it's sometimes is beautiful. that...God created us to be in relation w/ others.

so...this is what i long for. but, i know i am content until the best man comes along. i'd rather NEVER me married than to marry a man who is not really a man.

so....i think raising boys can be more challenging. i thought of this as i sat and watched the 'cars movie' w/ 4 five year old boys. they were being kids and pretending they were the cars, etc. i looked into their eyes and wished them to enjoy these carefree days. b/c...soon will come the days when they will have to take responsibility for themselves and perhaps others. and i wonder how these kids will be able to take care of themselves when thye have so many dang problems now.

it makes me sad. but...also makes me have more compassion upon adults today that hold less than desirable jobs. take a second and say a kind word.... remember that they were once naughty four year olds in a classroom. and that they are loved deeply by God.

that's what i realized today as daniel sat on my lap repeating phrases incessantly. Jesus looks at this kid and loves him deeply. Jesus is angered at the problems this kid has. i am confident it is because of the fallen world we live in that Daniel struggles as he does. i prayed that the Spirit would bring peace to Daniel's soul... and i really believe he is. for daniel is now much less frantic and able to communicate his frustrations verbally rather than....other means. i love prayer.

 

yum. salo.

 

marta.me.linds.
jvers.ukraine made us who we are.
ukraine and God. 

anya.

 

this is my good friend anya.
she lives in cherkassy.
she has a beautiful personality.
i love her heart. 

clarity.

i see more and more clearly.

friendship....is a gift.
marriage....is a gift.
family...is a gift.

our focus should be on eternal things.
but, perhaps God blesses us with someone to go through life together. yes, it may be difficult at times, but ultimately what a joy to share life with someone. no matter if it's a marriage or deep friendship.

may our focus not be shifted...
that's when our joy gets robbed. when we begin to focus upon ourselves more than God and others around us.

i know my focus was shifted. i was looking internally to needs i had.... not towards who God is and my response to him. it was all about me. when i get down and dirty w/ reality...that's the truth.

this life is not about me.
i'm scared for another relationship to come and shift my focus. but, all my worry can do nothing. all i am in control of is this very moment....what am i going to choose to focus on? that next decision....what am i going to say yes to? my flesh or the spirit?

daily. renew us each morning and remind us of your unfailing love. we are fickel. forgive me for my failings... thanks for letting me try again.

stirrings.

a stirring within my heart for something more.
but i am scared.

i must live in the now...and not the future or the past.
but i am scared.

i need to cultivate that childlike faith and trust...or let the Spirit cultivate that within me. i can trust God with my future. this spills over to my career, living situation, goals, finances, etc. may i trust God with the small...and see his faithfulness so that i can truely trust him w/ the bigger things.

steady my heart.
may i desire your word to be true in my life.
may i hunger for truth and not shy away from difficult teachings.
embrace and deal radically with what i know your word says.

life.

much to say. creativity is lacking currently and so i hesitate to blog. (is this what you do? 'blog'? do you call it 'blogging' when you're actually putting up a post? what's the correct use of this word?) why do i ask so many questions? sometimes i think i should stop asking questions because the answers don't really matter. perhaps the answers don't matter, but i think the process to arrive at the answer matters greatly.

it was my mom's birthday this weekend so i spent significant time w/ everyone the past two days. i love my family. i asked my mother what the best part of her past year. abbie of course was the first thing and second was that i am living at home. it meant much that she mentioned my living at home as a highlight. maybe this period of my life isn't about me. (not that it ever is). this isn't where i wanted to be or thought i would be this year. but it's been surprisingly awesome. i want to make the most of the next few months i am home. i have been swamped as of late with much homework. but i realized if i am stressed this shouldn't seep out in the way i treat others. maybe some stuff won't get done...but relationships are way more important than many other things. i feel so loved living at home. i know my mom is excited to get off work and come home to ME. and i am really not even that fun! she insists that i am but moms must say things like this.

i feel just full tonight of love.
of blessings in my life.
i am content.
i am happy.
i am at peace.
i still have longings and still sad at times.
but, overwhelming at peace with God.
free.

yah.

 

nothing needs to be said now, does it? 

family.

 

here is a pic from this summer.
my cousin did all this work on a family tree.
it took up this entire hallway.
pretty sweet.
at the end is the pic of norm.
he lives in york, ne.
one of the oldest living relatives left.
he's a funny guy.
it was their 65th wedding anniversary we celebrated.
can you imagine.....65 years being w/ the same person?
um, i can't even imagine living 65 years.
i thought this was a pretty shot. 

love my feet.

naked boys.

my title grab anyones attention?

i'm pretty much ok w/ my little charge spitting on me. biting i've gotten used to as well. one thing which doesn't sit well w/ me is his peeing on things. usually this happens outside. you definitely can't stop him in the middle of the flow of things. and, really once he decides to go...it's difficult to stop him from pulling down his pants. it makes me uncomfortable to even write about. why do i? b/c...it's still a bit funny.

today he was sitting in his chair. it was a fairly good day. we had discussed my addiction to cola and caffeinated beverages. he told me coffee was gross like garbage. and, 'why i drink cola?' we had taken a field trip to my car where he got the chance to stick his head out the moon roof and pretend to drive. but, while he was sitting in his chair he decided to take his shirt off. i was mostly ok with this move. it took much of my negotiating skills, and a bit (of his) spit to get the shirt back on. while he was throwing the fit about the shirt another student was at the other table yelling about something. so i sit with a half naked boy, another kid is screaming at the top of his lungs, one girl is yelling at them all the 'STOP!' and another kid simply sits and stares at the entire ordeal. classic.

during nap he desired to be free from the hindrence of clothing as well. when he takes his shirt off it becomes even more apparant how extremely pale and skinny he is. he's pretty much like a ghost. worse than me even. (yah...pale). it was decided that he could keep his shirt off all of nap time if he put it back on right after nap was over and the shade was up. (all this negotiating takes 10-15 minutes). so...i am folding up his blankets and coaxing him to put his shoes back on. I turn to put the blanket away and i turn back and there is this tiny, naked boy standing on his cot attempting to climb on top of the counter.

it was just a funny site to me. and he was laughing. and running around. i used all my verbals to get him to put all his clothes back on. then he refused to put his belt back on. which is quite a problem b/c his pants don't stay up. so he walks across the room and his pants fall down and his little butt crack shows. i love my job. seriously.

i met tonight w/ a person that does a similar job to me. we discussed how awesome it is to see kids improvements over the weeks/months. one of our students says, 'no' to every single thing. her vocabulary consists of about 3 words. she calls me 'mommie' which actually makes me feel quite good. (yes...see previous post on my desiring to have kids). but, we've been working on her nodding her head, 'yes.' and she actually does it on a consistent basis. three weeks ago she couldn't do that. now she can communicate 'yes.' this is huge!

how much do we take for granted?? that you can read my blog now...that you came across it...that you can type...that you can read...that you can communicate your wants and desires. how blessed you are. i think working w/ these students has caused me to think about much differently. for this change in perspective i am thankful.

ps...b/c my new goal to post more pics...here are more pics of the cutest kid. EVER.

kids.

funny story. so. nearly a year ago i began to freak out. i didn't know if i wanted to have kids. i didn't know if i wanted to be a wife. actually, if i must be honest, i didn't think i would be a good mother or a good wife. i'm the type that would just rather not try at something than fail. pride...!? yah. but...wanna hear something sweet? God has really put me in situations to be around kids. and all sorts of kids. sweet kids, cute kids, mean kids, bratty kids, bad kids, special need kids, ugly kids, smart kids, any sort. you know what? i do want one. i've gained confidence in disciplining...and loving...and caring. i love my little niece so much. and my little charge at school. even taking into account the trip to the hospital b/c of his jaws of death. (ok...a bit over dramatic). so...i was just thinking how much has changed in my life the past year...and all the things God has taught me through difference circumstances. and answering different prayers from many, many months ago. again...more answered prayer. go get on your knees.

i realized how much more fun pictures make blogs. so i am going to post one.



this is abbie. she got a new coat but she can't move at all in it. i found it funny. i put it on her and all she could do was move her right arm. seriously....nothing else. so i just stood and waved back at her. maybe i like kids b/c they make me laugh.

ps. at the beginning of the post i said, 'funny story.' it wasn't really that funny. my apologies.

check it.

"i_am_the_church"

time.

today i met w/ a girl. AO set me up. i have to fight my flesh to meet w/ her. i always hope that something will come up and i can't. i feel this pressure to be super holy and have some super answers to give her. but i don't. i knew that it would be fine once i got there, but i seriously didn't want to do it prior to this morning when i prayed about it. i'm such a whiner.

i just got back. and it was really encouraging. isn't it funny how that often works out this way? i ended up sitting in her living room tlaking w/ her roommates about missions. about the church. about ministry. all stuff i love. i got to hear their thoughts. i encouraged them in their endeavors and they askd me questions about my experience overseas as well. i loved sharing. i am continually thankful for my experience in thailand even despite the difficulties i faced while there. i still can't believe i actually went to thailand....crazy. i learned much through my experience there and especailly combined w/ my time in ukraine. so much of who i am and what i think about the church has been shaped through my time overseas. but...i think i sometimes attribute too much of the change in my life to the time overseas....when actually it's just a maturing process. even if i had stayed in america and the same city the last 5 years i would have learned similar things. it's just that God choose to use those experiences in my life to shape me. i'm not better than anyone else for having the oppurtunity to go to ukraine and thailand. any slight thought of that is extreme crap.

today was fun to get outside of my own little world and see that there are many others that are wondering what the heck to do post-college. i'm not the only freak. and...it was the first time that i pictured myself overseas and super happy (and unmarried). for so long i had assumed that i needed a partner overseas to really flourish. but...as i was talking w/ these girls today...i realized that i don't need some guy to hold my hand through the process. i'm not going to wait around for that...i want to get going asap. i really have a desire to be overseas and teach english and interact in girls lives. if i get married....a lot of time would be devoted to family. (important, yes). but now...i have so much freedom! and...yes. i would still love to partner w/ someone. but, today marked one of the first days in many months that i haven't felt saddened at the thought i'm alone. praise God. i can envision being overseas single. sweet. i want to make the most of my short time on this earth. i want to be invested in peoples lives...and i think the best place to do that is overseas. i look at pics from thailand and realize...how much i did come alive in those environments. pursuing those relationships. knowing that i was doing what God would have for me. there's nothing better than that!

i've realized many things the past few weeks.

i realize...i definitely want a man to follow. one that is going to lead. and that while i've thought i had that...perhaps not. and...maybe i'm desiring too much. in this case i never will be married and i'm ok with that. i am content with being single. i definitely don't want to settle for anything less than God's best. no relationship should take my focus off the goal. only propell me closer towards it. i don't ever want to attempt to make something occur which is detrimental to both parties. and i'm not saying things shouldn't or couldn't have work out in certain situation. or that it woudln't be difficult at times... but, ultimately there should be that underlying peace w/ God.

and perhaps i am making no sense. but, the fact is...i'm worth knowing and pursuing. and when the right guy comes along he will be strucken by me. :) i'll be worth it. he won't know what hits him. he won't be able to stop himself from pursuing me. he will look past himself and desire to serve me. my friend lindsay reminded me of this...and her relationship w/ her husband exemplifies this for me.

i'm fairly difficult to get to know. i like walls. i hide behind them in some ways. i protect my heart. but i let that wall down and the person i did it for didn't seem to want to step over the crumbled wall. i shouldn't try to pull him in. if he saw something he wanted he would be running over it. i'm not a great writer. i wish i was. but, this is how i often feel. b/c my walls were let down the wound now is still very deep...and so it's slightly ok i'm not over certain things. i'm not holding tightly to hurt, just walking through it. so...stop pushing me to get over things when i'm not ready. God is guiding me out of this mess and restoring my heart and joy and building me into an even more beautiful creation. i am confident of this. ok...that's all.

ps. just so you know. i excercise the right to take back anything i say on this blog. it only remains true for about five minutes after i write it unless you check back w/ me. so...if you stumbled across my blog and know me and get offended at something or don't understand. you best ask me straight up.

presumputous.

my previous post was a bit presumptuous as daniel isn't a perfect angel. but still shows marked improvement. what a joy to see a kid acquire skills to aid him in the future. he now intiates with other kids in the class which is huge. he also is able to communicate why he is upset...even if it makes no sense to me. (i spit on you b/c i don't like 'what'). how is one to handle this situation? but even though he still has thrown fits and attempted (and suceeded) to bite me the improvement is remarkable. i am not sure if he is simply happy to have me back (after i was gone from jury duty, and he was sick and gone on vacation) or if he is learning. i know why...and the answer lies in prayer. thanks God. tomorrow another student is coming to our classroom. he has similar behavior issues as daniel. this will be an extreme challenge to all our students and associates in the classroom. we aren't getting any additional staff. it could be an interesting few weeks as he gets settled into the classroom. i am a bit frustrated as i feel daniel is finally in control and change will soon be greatly increased into the classroom. we'll see what happens tommorrow, eh?

prayer.

again. this post shall be upon prayer. i'm not sure if i said it completely last time...for this has been rolling over in my mind quite a bit as of late. but, prayer. does it make a difference? i often have defaulted to the position that God will do whatever he pleases, and what difference does my petition make? God knows best...so why interupt his plans w/ my silly pleas? But...what of Abraham asking God to save Sodom and Gomorrah? (Gen 18). God seems about to destroy the city completely...but Abraham pleads for it to be saved and the Lord listens. So, prayer works. Right? God also listens to his people when what they desire is NOT the best. For instance...when the Israelites want an earthly king because the rest of the nations have one. God warns them why this isn't such a grand idea, but they continue to want one. So, my argument has many holes and isn't well developed. That's not really my point. My point is that many of these thoughts have been flying around my head. What should I pray for? What really matters? How much of my prayers should be about me and my heart? and how much for those dying around me? How much should be specific confession to sin...and how much to just praising him and who he is? How are the Spirit, God the father, and God the son intertwined in prayer?? How do i know what's the spirit and what is my overly legalistic concious? How the heck do i get back to the childlike faith that i once had? Should i even desire that? these thoughts cause my mind to be exhuasted. instead of leading to prayer...it often leads me to silence. is that prayerlessness...or just silence?

this has a new and interesting point. today was Daniel's best day. Ever. he only attempted to bite me once. this is extremely huge people. i never counted...but it was upwards of fifty attempts within a 6.5 hour day. he would also run around uncontrollably around the classroom. going from destroying one thing to another. pushing over chairs, tables, toys, etc. Today...we sat and read books. He told me when he was upset and asked me to not do something instead of spitting on me or biting me. these are things we've been working on for awhile...but for differing circumstances we have been apart for nearly 2.5 weeks. I think he was glad to see me back... but, it was something more. I asked my high school group to pray for daniel this week. and i am positive this is the reason for the improvement. i've been praying for him as well. b/c, i honestly was loosing all hope for him. i knew God could help and change him. and it's gotta be God that's moving now. i know there is a long road ahead and it will be difficult. but, i also had hope that Daniel will one day enter kindergarten. That he will learn to interact w/ peers in healthy ways. definitely never normal...but other kids won't ignore him. keep praying for him. i see the frustration in his eyes...i pray that his spirit would be calmed. and those dealing with him would have wisdom in how to best approach him and teach him in love. The pictures below reveal the depth of Daniels frustrations. (taken prior to arm guards...) My mom thought it imperative i document the situation in case a law suit ever occured.

From mostly abbu.

In case you didn't get it. My entire reasoning behind this post was to reiterate that God answers prayers...pray it up. Pray it big. May the spirit guide you. Pour out your hearts to him...for he hears and answers.

scary round orange things.

From mostly abbu.

last week i babysat abbie. i changed her diaper for the first time. it was pretty gooey. but i got back at her. after i carved my patriotic pumpkin (american flag), she had to get her picture by it in her adorable costume. she didn't enjoy it so much. she sat and bawled her eyes out. i laughed alot. b/c she seriously sat in the same position for five minutes looking from one pumpkin to the other...not knowing what to do w/ herself while the adults stood around and took pictures. a traumatic experience. but one in which my abs got a work out as i hadn't laughed so hard in a long time. if you don't find it funny....you had to be there. cuz in person it was fantastically hilarious.

ukraine.

ukraine_march_06

abbie.

laughing is sweet.

my sis had this film. i mocked it at first. but after reading the back i couldn't help but laugh. i forgot how much i love to laugh. hope you enjoy as well.




It's a tale of good versus evil ... with beans! VeggieTales: Lord of the BeansTM follows the fantastic journey of a Flobbit named Toto Baggypants (Junior Asparagus) who inherits a most unusual and powerful bean. With the help of his mentor Randalf and a spirited group of friends, Toto embarks on a mission to discover how he should use his gift.

On their quest, the group encounters many challenges, including crossing the Mountains of Much-Snowia, and facing the dreaded Lord Scaryman -- who seeks the bean for misguided, selfish reasons. Will Toto discover the purpose of his gift, or will the scary dude and his Spork army capture the bean and wield its awesome powers? Find out in VeggieTales: Lord of the BeansTM.

life.

being a mom and staying at home...is not really the end i want in life.

i wasn't jealous of these girls having a real job, and being married. i don't want that life. this is the life my sister lives...and countless others in america. but, it's not for me. i know i would not be content.

i've lost the urgency that the world is perishing. but, i think my motives used to be wrong. i used to have compassion on people and see that they were dying. but, this type of thinking will leave you slightly depressed. (well...fairly depressed). as you realize a majority of the world is going to hell. and...being overseas...that dude that's living in the gutter w/o any legs...he's going to hell too. what a crappy life for him. i don't think compassion for people can be what drives you. i think the root must be in your desire to see God's name glorified throughout the ends of the earth. this will happen in the end in any event as every knee bows and tongue confesses jesus is lord... but, our passion for God and his renown should be what drives us. yes...we are to love others too. that's the second greatest commandment, right? but i think the first commandment must be secured.

i want a guy that i can follow. b/c i know he is following Christ and living his life in obedience to him first and foremost. definitely has to be interested in overseas stuff. the world is dying. i'm not looking for a comfy life here in america. please...may it never be. unless that's what God would call me to. but until i am certain that's what i am suppose to do...i will continue to make decisions that will direct me overseas. that's that.