miss.

i miss...
-praying for others with others.
-laughing.
-real conversations.

where is the authenticity? where is the realness? how does my life look different than any other person in america?

we have a friend that is desparately sick. he had major surgery yesterday which was life threatening given his condition. they went in and found his gall bladder was gangrene. yet...our family never prayed for him together except before a meal. it seems fake. do we really have a living and vibrant relationship w/ Christ? how come i can talk more openly w/ my friends about God than i can my own family? what is wrong w/ me? i long to have someone to share my life with...b/c i feel like a fake right now. why can't i step up and initiate this w/ my family? why does it feel so weird? is God calling me to this and i'm too scared? or...am i too idealistic?

i want to have a family completely living their life for God. i have no idea what that looks like...but I am confident God will guide our steps as we ask him to show us what it should look like.

i want to love others in my family deeply. i want to love others around me deeply. oh....clense my heart, O God. I have let you down in so many ways today and this past week. thanks for forgiving me... show me how to change my ways. continue to change me from the inside out. my heart is darkened deep within. my actions are manifesting something rooted deep within me... may i be made clean. erase this duplicity that i feel is characteristic of me right now. i want to be real. i want to love.