boys vs. men.

recently i have been thinking about raising boys vs. girls.

i recently concluded that i am ok w/ my life the way it is. if i remain single the rest of my life....grand. i know i will always be available to provide enough to keep myself sustained...and i really need not worry about other people. scenario: me living overseas teaching english. i can practically do this alone...and make enough money to rent a cheap apartment and eat occasionally. this would be much more difficult if i were to have kids. therefore, i once again am content w/ my life at this point. i am excited about the idea of living overseas...and really just having to 'worry' about myself.

(please note...i know we are not suppose to worry b/c we can trust God w/ our problems. this is not the issue i am arguing at this point. what i am saying is ultimately i am only responsible to God for myself).

it makes me think of how men have much more riding upon their shoulders. they are held accountable for the lives of their spouse and children. they are to be the leaders of the household. this is why boys must be raised differently than girls. i consider myself quite dependent in many aspects of the word. i used to feel badly about this..until i realized that my father will continue to provide for me until a male comes along and deems me worthwhile to pursue. this may sound...cavelike or something...but, there is something to this.

things about the above paragraph dont' sit well with me because i know that i am capable of much. i don't need the support of some guy. but, i can't argue w/ my nature that loves it when a guy protects me, or serves me, or provides for me in a way i cannot. it just...causes this feminine stuff to ooze out of me. it's like...when a guy pursues me i begin to open up and flourish.

i used to think this was a nasty phenomenon as people i knew got married and changed a bit. but, now i realize that it's sometimes is beautiful. that...God created us to be in relation w/ others.

so...this is what i long for. but, i know i am content until the best man comes along. i'd rather NEVER me married than to marry a man who is not really a man.

so....i think raising boys can be more challenging. i thought of this as i sat and watched the 'cars movie' w/ 4 five year old boys. they were being kids and pretending they were the cars, etc. i looked into their eyes and wished them to enjoy these carefree days. b/c...soon will come the days when they will have to take responsibility for themselves and perhaps others. and i wonder how these kids will be able to take care of themselves when thye have so many dang problems now.

it makes me sad. but...also makes me have more compassion upon adults today that hold less than desirable jobs. take a second and say a kind word.... remember that they were once naughty four year olds in a classroom. and that they are loved deeply by God.

that's what i realized today as daniel sat on my lap repeating phrases incessantly. Jesus looks at this kid and loves him deeply. Jesus is angered at the problems this kid has. i am confident it is because of the fallen world we live in that Daniel struggles as he does. i prayed that the Spirit would bring peace to Daniel's soul... and i really believe he is. for daniel is now much less frantic and able to communicate his frustrations verbally rather than....other means. i love prayer.