ramblings.
most of my posts are mere ramblings. but this post is official ramblings because...that's the title of the post.
i feel like i'm missing something in life. i'm not sure what. i love my family a lot. but, sometimes i feel inhibitied by them. i desire someone to understand me. to touch that deep place in my soul which longs to be understood and known. i don't want to just be the kid anymore. i think living at home propogates this feeling. i am frustrated and want to break free. but, also...the peace and joy i am experience this semester is BECAUSE i am living at home and i feel like i can relax and be taken care of! it's....a double edged sword basically. i don't like either. am i making any sense? it's secure living at home...but it's the very security that i find my inner self fighting against! i feel like i don't really have my own life. but, this life is not my own.
my mom and my sister enjoy my presence. i don't know why...b/c seriously this break i've been fairly boring and dull. i've been in that contemplative...observant...quiet...laid back...non-engaging type mood. i don't like this!!! i give my family the worst of me. i 'turn myself on' for others...(i engage them...ask questions...encourage)...but w/ my family i turn on 'auto-pilot.' like..in the movie, 'click,' w/ adam sandler. i don't want to do this! i'm not going to change when/if i meet someone. this is who i am deep down. i can't run away from this. i can't change on my own. but, i don't want to be like this anymore. is moving to LA going to change anything? no. i will be the same person. i am dang scared to move far away. when i went to ISU...i hid away in my room for a year. emerging occasionaly for class and the quickest meal possible. i was scared to interact w/ others. scared of being rejected. although i've changed much from those days... i still have those tendencies at my core. dont' i? or am i a completely new creation?
perhaps i've been in a foul mood this break b/c i don't want to leave, i'm scared to leave, and i'm pushing away the most important thing in my life right now: Family. i assure them i want to go, that it will be fine, that abbie won't miss me too much, that i won't forget them, blah blah blah. but...deep down i have the same questions. but, i don't want to lie to myself.
so...am i stepping out in faith to move far away? or...am i just running away from deeper issues? or..am i making too big of a deal out of this? it's not like i'm moving away for good. or for even 2 years. it's a semester. one to begin with.
it will be an adventure.
i often feel far from God. i want more of God in my life. i don't want to feel so alone. i want to stop attempting to make much of myself...and just stop and remember that God loves me for me. not what i do or pursue in life. for who he made me to be. may that soak into your children today...your love for us. may we believe you love us...and allow this powerful force, love, to transform us. what if we really believed? would our lives look different?
i feel like i'm missing something in life. i'm not sure what. i love my family a lot. but, sometimes i feel inhibitied by them. i desire someone to understand me. to touch that deep place in my soul which longs to be understood and known. i don't want to just be the kid anymore. i think living at home propogates this feeling. i am frustrated and want to break free. but, also...the peace and joy i am experience this semester is BECAUSE i am living at home and i feel like i can relax and be taken care of! it's....a double edged sword basically. i don't like either. am i making any sense? it's secure living at home...but it's the very security that i find my inner self fighting against! i feel like i don't really have my own life. but, this life is not my own.
my mom and my sister enjoy my presence. i don't know why...b/c seriously this break i've been fairly boring and dull. i've been in that contemplative...observant...quiet...laid back...non-engaging type mood. i don't like this!!! i give my family the worst of me. i 'turn myself on' for others...(i engage them...ask questions...encourage)...but w/ my family i turn on 'auto-pilot.' like..in the movie, 'click,' w/ adam sandler. i don't want to do this! i'm not going to change when/if i meet someone. this is who i am deep down. i can't run away from this. i can't change on my own. but, i don't want to be like this anymore. is moving to LA going to change anything? no. i will be the same person. i am dang scared to move far away. when i went to ISU...i hid away in my room for a year. emerging occasionaly for class and the quickest meal possible. i was scared to interact w/ others. scared of being rejected. although i've changed much from those days... i still have those tendencies at my core. dont' i? or am i a completely new creation?
perhaps i've been in a foul mood this break b/c i don't want to leave, i'm scared to leave, and i'm pushing away the most important thing in my life right now: Family. i assure them i want to go, that it will be fine, that abbie won't miss me too much, that i won't forget them, blah blah blah. but...deep down i have the same questions. but, i don't want to lie to myself.
so...am i stepping out in faith to move far away? or...am i just running away from deeper issues? or..am i making too big of a deal out of this? it's not like i'm moving away for good. or for even 2 years. it's a semester. one to begin with.
it will be an adventure.
i often feel far from God. i want more of God in my life. i don't want to feel so alone. i want to stop attempting to make much of myself...and just stop and remember that God loves me for me. not what i do or pursue in life. for who he made me to be. may that soak into your children today...your love for us. may we believe you love us...and allow this powerful force, love, to transform us. what if we really believed? would our lives look different?
posted by lp at 9:00 PM
3 Comments:
It was sad when your mom asked me if I ever got homesick and I didn't even have to think about it and responded with a "no." I left California six years ago and never looked back. That's sad.
Yet, you're nothing like me, Liz. You're selfless and you care tremendously for others. I know you're feeling like a selfish snob but it's probably because you already miss your family. It's a classic reaction to push those away from you right before you leave them.
I wanted to slap you went you told your mother and sister that Abby won’t miss you. It seemed like you wanted to break someone’s heart at that moment. I dunno. Someone should have slapped you and knocked the pouting out for your mourning soul… maybe Abby should have done it.
I don’t want you to leave but I’m a selfish narcissistic pig. So, I’m telling you to leave.
Leave Liz.
Go away to the coastline. Have a ton of adventures for us all and learn lessons and stuff that will make you smarter and then feed the hungry. Still, look back to your family – always look back. Take my advice even though I can’t take it myself.
I wrote my blog entry after I read yours. I dunno - it sort of was a reaction.
We are so much alike in so many ways. I should call you.
Post a Comment
<< Home