time.
today i met w/ a girl. AO set me up. i have to fight my flesh to meet w/ her. i always hope that something will come up and i can't. i feel this pressure to be super holy and have some super answers to give her. but i don't. i knew that it would be fine once i got there, but i seriously didn't want to do it prior to this morning when i prayed about it. i'm such a whiner.
i just got back. and it was really encouraging. isn't it funny how that often works out this way? i ended up sitting in her living room tlaking w/ her roommates about missions. about the church. about ministry. all stuff i love. i got to hear their thoughts. i encouraged them in their endeavors and they askd me questions about my experience overseas as well. i loved sharing. i am continually thankful for my experience in thailand even despite the difficulties i faced while there. i still can't believe i actually went to thailand....crazy. i learned much through my experience there and especailly combined w/ my time in ukraine. so much of who i am and what i think about the church has been shaped through my time overseas. but...i think i sometimes attribute too much of the change in my life to the time overseas....when actually it's just a maturing process. even if i had stayed in america and the same city the last 5 years i would have learned similar things. it's just that God choose to use those experiences in my life to shape me. i'm not better than anyone else for having the oppurtunity to go to ukraine and thailand. any slight thought of that is extreme crap.
today was fun to get outside of my own little world and see that there are many others that are wondering what the heck to do post-college. i'm not the only freak. and...it was the first time that i pictured myself overseas and super happy (and unmarried). for so long i had assumed that i needed a partner overseas to really flourish. but...as i was talking w/ these girls today...i realized that i don't need some guy to hold my hand through the process. i'm not going to wait around for that...i want to get going asap. i really have a desire to be overseas and teach english and interact in girls lives. if i get married....a lot of time would be devoted to family. (important, yes). but now...i have so much freedom! and...yes. i would still love to partner w/ someone. but, today marked one of the first days in many months that i haven't felt saddened at the thought i'm alone. praise God. i can envision being overseas single. sweet. i want to make the most of my short time on this earth. i want to be invested in peoples lives...and i think the best place to do that is overseas. i look at pics from thailand and realize...how much i did come alive in those environments. pursuing those relationships. knowing that i was doing what God would have for me. there's nothing better than that!
i've realized many things the past few weeks.
i realize...i definitely want a man to follow. one that is going to lead. and that while i've thought i had that...perhaps not. and...maybe i'm desiring too much. in this case i never will be married and i'm ok with that. i am content with being single. i definitely don't want to settle for anything less than God's best. no relationship should take my focus off the goal. only propell me closer towards it. i don't ever want to attempt to make something occur which is detrimental to both parties. and i'm not saying things shouldn't or couldn't have work out in certain situation. or that it woudln't be difficult at times... but, ultimately there should be that underlying peace w/ God.
and perhaps i am making no sense. but, the fact is...i'm worth knowing and pursuing. and when the right guy comes along he will be strucken by me. :) i'll be worth it. he won't know what hits him. he won't be able to stop himself from pursuing me. he will look past himself and desire to serve me. my friend lindsay reminded me of this...and her relationship w/ her husband exemplifies this for me.
i'm fairly difficult to get to know. i like walls. i hide behind them in some ways. i protect my heart. but i let that wall down and the person i did it for didn't seem to want to step over the crumbled wall. i shouldn't try to pull him in. if he saw something he wanted he would be running over it. i'm not a great writer. i wish i was. but, this is how i often feel. b/c my walls were let down the wound now is still very deep...and so it's slightly ok i'm not over certain things. i'm not holding tightly to hurt, just walking through it. so...stop pushing me to get over things when i'm not ready. God is guiding me out of this mess and restoring my heart and joy and building me into an even more beautiful creation. i am confident of this. ok...that's all.
ps. just so you know. i excercise the right to take back anything i say on this blog. it only remains true for about five minutes after i write it unless you check back w/ me. so...if you stumbled across my blog and know me and get offended at something or don't understand. you best ask me straight up.
i just got back. and it was really encouraging. isn't it funny how that often works out this way? i ended up sitting in her living room tlaking w/ her roommates about missions. about the church. about ministry. all stuff i love. i got to hear their thoughts. i encouraged them in their endeavors and they askd me questions about my experience overseas as well. i loved sharing. i am continually thankful for my experience in thailand even despite the difficulties i faced while there. i still can't believe i actually went to thailand....crazy. i learned much through my experience there and especailly combined w/ my time in ukraine. so much of who i am and what i think about the church has been shaped through my time overseas. but...i think i sometimes attribute too much of the change in my life to the time overseas....when actually it's just a maturing process. even if i had stayed in america and the same city the last 5 years i would have learned similar things. it's just that God choose to use those experiences in my life to shape me. i'm not better than anyone else for having the oppurtunity to go to ukraine and thailand. any slight thought of that is extreme crap.
today was fun to get outside of my own little world and see that there are many others that are wondering what the heck to do post-college. i'm not the only freak. and...it was the first time that i pictured myself overseas and super happy (and unmarried). for so long i had assumed that i needed a partner overseas to really flourish. but...as i was talking w/ these girls today...i realized that i don't need some guy to hold my hand through the process. i'm not going to wait around for that...i want to get going asap. i really have a desire to be overseas and teach english and interact in girls lives. if i get married....a lot of time would be devoted to family. (important, yes). but now...i have so much freedom! and...yes. i would still love to partner w/ someone. but, today marked one of the first days in many months that i haven't felt saddened at the thought i'm alone. praise God. i can envision being overseas single. sweet. i want to make the most of my short time on this earth. i want to be invested in peoples lives...and i think the best place to do that is overseas. i look at pics from thailand and realize...how much i did come alive in those environments. pursuing those relationships. knowing that i was doing what God would have for me. there's nothing better than that!
i've realized many things the past few weeks.
i realize...i definitely want a man to follow. one that is going to lead. and that while i've thought i had that...perhaps not. and...maybe i'm desiring too much. in this case i never will be married and i'm ok with that. i am content with being single. i definitely don't want to settle for anything less than God's best. no relationship should take my focus off the goal. only propell me closer towards it. i don't ever want to attempt to make something occur which is detrimental to both parties. and i'm not saying things shouldn't or couldn't have work out in certain situation. or that it woudln't be difficult at times... but, ultimately there should be that underlying peace w/ God.
and perhaps i am making no sense. but, the fact is...i'm worth knowing and pursuing. and when the right guy comes along he will be strucken by me. :) i'll be worth it. he won't know what hits him. he won't be able to stop himself from pursuing me. he will look past himself and desire to serve me. my friend lindsay reminded me of this...and her relationship w/ her husband exemplifies this for me.
i'm fairly difficult to get to know. i like walls. i hide behind them in some ways. i protect my heart. but i let that wall down and the person i did it for didn't seem to want to step over the crumbled wall. i shouldn't try to pull him in. if he saw something he wanted he would be running over it. i'm not a great writer. i wish i was. but, this is how i often feel. b/c my walls were let down the wound now is still very deep...and so it's slightly ok i'm not over certain things. i'm not holding tightly to hurt, just walking through it. so...stop pushing me to get over things when i'm not ready. God is guiding me out of this mess and restoring my heart and joy and building me into an even more beautiful creation. i am confident of this. ok...that's all.
ps. just so you know. i excercise the right to take back anything i say on this blog. it only remains true for about five minutes after i write it unless you check back w/ me. so...if you stumbled across my blog and know me and get offended at something or don't understand. you best ask me straight up.
posted by lp at 3:36 PM
1 Comments:
Whoa. A lot in that post. I'm super glad you're time with the girl was good. Doesn't it feel good to stop thinking about yourself by yourself for a change?
Time after Time. Keep walking over the rubble rather than just starring at it. Great analogy.
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