where the heck....

if you are one of the two who consistently check my blog...you may have wondered why it's been awhile since i have posted. a few different reasons could be used to explain. the first...is that i didn't want to. i felt i had nothing important to say...or anything i felt worth sharing publically. another reason was because i felt near death at one point due to a nasty case of strep. i was actually up in minneapolis visiting my grandma in the rehab center (not drug rehab)... when i came down with this high fever. i was trying to be strong and act like nothing was wrong...but, alas i succombed to laying in bed shivering. it made for an awfully long trip home. my mom wouldn't let me turn the heat up or cover up with a blanket. i was too weak to be mad. but, got me some drugs...and missed me some work and i'm doing much better now. it was scary for awhile as they tossed around the idea of mono...but, i tested negative. an answer to prayer. b/c...if i were to have mono it would be difficult to determine if i should move to CA.

but...i am still going. i leave iowa next monday. i really am excited to leave...and to begin again. i feel so far away from ames...and like all of last year was a dream. it didn't really happen. but, i guess i am always like that. wherever i am...that's my reality. when you're overseas it's hard to remember what america/home is like. but, once you're back you fall quickly back into routine. so...i've fallen into routine here in iowa city. worked through a lot of difficult stuff from the past year. i realized that i held much heartache over ukraine/thailand stuff through last year and into this year. i needed a period of...transition. and i didn't take it once i arrived home from my last summer in ukraine in 2005. i jumped right into life...and...got consumed. God did his work in my life. i'm not doubting that in the least. i am thankful for everything that happened. but, i did cause myself some unneccesary heartache in the process. did you know i went to ukraine the summer of 2005 to determine if i wanted to do fulltime stuff w/ JV? yah. and...then i come back and get settled here and feel the weight of the lostness of the rest of the world fall upon my shoulders.

i bucked at it...and didn'tw ant to be known as the chick that was the overseas person. i know nothing. i am nothing. yet, i still wanted to be recognized. there was lots of pride locked up inside my heart....and that pride turned to bitterness. and ... dang that manifested itself in many gross ways. but, through tears...frustrations...insecurity...quietness. i just needed someone to come alongside and listen during that time. and...i had someone that understood me...but, did i trun to Him during that time? the one that knew my heart without me even trying to explain. i didn't. i ran. i let my frustrations continue to fester. this hurt my wavering relationships with others. many have remained strong...and mostly with those whom i have gone overseas with. lindsay. marta. jen. debra. they know me. the good...the bad...and the one with grace heaped upon her.

um...more later. i'm going to get my hair cut, and to dinner and a movie with my mom and kathy. much love to you my friend, debra. thanks for being steady for me and loving me.

~lp