shtuff.
it's been awhile since i really blogged. about the good stuff. mostly b/c i no longer have good tabs upon who is reading this. i don't know my audience. but, who am i really writing this for? what is written here is not really a secret. so...i shall share. writing gives me an outlet for certain thoughts/feelings that need to be expressed. this was reiterated throughout the three week.
alot has gone on deep in this heart of mine the past few weeks. ...so much that i am at times overwhelmed with where to begin in understanding. so...i allow myself to become numb.
since coming back from the retreat i feel like my mind has slowly become more and more cluttered. that serenity that began... and that emptying of myself which began during the extended time of solitude was quickly reversed. it took so long for that to begin and that peacefulness to develop. and now...i'm right back in the throng of things to do... and things i feel i SHOULD do. it's the valley of SHOULDS that i walk through. that peace is quickly ripped away.
3 weeks is really not that long if you think about it. yes...at first it seemed like a long time. in the midst of it, it felt like a long time. but...it's not. but we fill our lives with so much... that we value our time so incredibly much that thinking of doing NOTHING for just a few hours boggles our minds. but...what of DAYS in a row without anything "productive" to do? where would your mind wander? how would you get those minutes and hours to pass? would you want them to? would you want them to be longer? would you have things to think about? things you want to think about? or...things you just want to run away from? how would you distract yourself when all the familiar distractions are removed? no books. no music. no tv. no movies. no cell phone. no computer. no people. no exercising. no real chores. just...you. a pen. a paper. some water. a chair and an amazing view of the bay and mt. rainer.
what happened during that time? did anything? am i changed? was it a waste? i sometimes find myself missing the guy i met with every morning at 5:50am. at first i despised the man who sat behind me out of sight and forced me to lay down and talk about things. but....after nearly a week of torture the pain began to lessen as he began to interact and engage me. it was as if... the removal of interaction with another increased the impact of the felt experience of the other. um... i'm trying to articulate how the actual interaction with this older gentleman was more appreciated b/c i had so deeply felt his absence. i may not have noticed how much that distance between us (his silence) was effecting me, until that distance was erased by his active removal of it. it's like....when he left me simply laying on the couch w/ all my inner turmoil to sort through...i felt the pain and emptiness. it's representative of how i often feel in life. aloneness. emptiness. i struggle in wondering if anyone cares or listens. i know SOMEONE does care....(God)....but do i really experience this? no..... not really. b/c.....when the therapist moved into my vision and made his presence known...it was a FELT difference. i didn't feel alone. i felt like he wanted to hear me. i wanted to open more. i wasn't fighting myself to open up anymore...it just occurred.
i often fight myself to really believe the truth. like...if understood enough theology.... or understood this certain bible passage... or grasped this certain doctrine.... if i close my eyes and believe hard enough, then something will change. but a fight continues deeper within me. and a small part of me dies as i continue to ignore that pain of loneliness and wonderment if God is really there or if i am alone. but, maybe that loneliness is a real feeling that shouldn't be ignored. not that it's TRUE...but, it's TRULY how i feel. me simply ignoring it and getting angry at myself for feeling that way is not beneficial at all. that anger at myself causes even more turmoil on the inside....which causes me to increasingly feel alone and distant.
when that guy moved across the great barrier between us...i felt something. it felt different. nothing had really changed. he still cared about me just as much and listened to me just as intently. but...the difference was within me and my understanding of the situation. and you know who had to cross that barrier first? the other guy. you know why? b/c he created the distance in the first place, and he therefore and the right to break the separation. the separation was really for my benefit and his respect of me during the time of exploring different issues of my life. but, it came to a point where God didn't want me to struggle in that process alone anymore...and he felt the barrier needed to be crossed. what a gift that experience was.... of feeling completely and utterly alone, but then to have that painful torture removed as eye contact was made and lives were shared.
it gives me a better picture of God in many ways. b/c, i do often feel like he's distant and far away. and i get angry at myself and rationalize my way out. but, i am working for something that i cannot change. it's really God that will reveal himself to us. all we can do is be open to those moments.... however often they occur. and...i am beginning to feel as if they occur more then i even dare to imagine currently.
the three week retreat was life changing for me...even though i sometimes doubt it. i know it was. many gifts were given to me throughout that sacred time. and...perhaps some gifts that will not be opened until later down the road. but, seeds were planted. wounds were dug into...but healing began. a hope was offered.... and i didn't have to simply fight to put it on this time. i pray i would not quickly forget these lessons. but, alas, i have one with me who will continue to remind me and deepen these things begun within me.
thanks to all who prayed form me during this time.
alot has gone on deep in this heart of mine the past few weeks. ...so much that i am at times overwhelmed with where to begin in understanding. so...i allow myself to become numb.
since coming back from the retreat i feel like my mind has slowly become more and more cluttered. that serenity that began... and that emptying of myself which began during the extended time of solitude was quickly reversed. it took so long for that to begin and that peacefulness to develop. and now...i'm right back in the throng of things to do... and things i feel i SHOULD do. it's the valley of SHOULDS that i walk through. that peace is quickly ripped away.
3 weeks is really not that long if you think about it. yes...at first it seemed like a long time. in the midst of it, it felt like a long time. but...it's not. but we fill our lives with so much... that we value our time so incredibly much that thinking of doing NOTHING for just a few hours boggles our minds. but...what of DAYS in a row without anything "productive" to do? where would your mind wander? how would you get those minutes and hours to pass? would you want them to? would you want them to be longer? would you have things to think about? things you want to think about? or...things you just want to run away from? how would you distract yourself when all the familiar distractions are removed? no books. no music. no tv. no movies. no cell phone. no computer. no people. no exercising. no real chores. just...you. a pen. a paper. some water. a chair and an amazing view of the bay and mt. rainer.
what happened during that time? did anything? am i changed? was it a waste? i sometimes find myself missing the guy i met with every morning at 5:50am. at first i despised the man who sat behind me out of sight and forced me to lay down and talk about things. but....after nearly a week of torture the pain began to lessen as he began to interact and engage me. it was as if... the removal of interaction with another increased the impact of the felt experience of the other. um... i'm trying to articulate how the actual interaction with this older gentleman was more appreciated b/c i had so deeply felt his absence. i may not have noticed how much that distance between us (his silence) was effecting me, until that distance was erased by his active removal of it. it's like....when he left me simply laying on the couch w/ all my inner turmoil to sort through...i felt the pain and emptiness. it's representative of how i often feel in life. aloneness. emptiness. i struggle in wondering if anyone cares or listens. i know SOMEONE does care....(God)....but do i really experience this? no..... not really. b/c.....when the therapist moved into my vision and made his presence known...it was a FELT difference. i didn't feel alone. i felt like he wanted to hear me. i wanted to open more. i wasn't fighting myself to open up anymore...it just occurred.
i often fight myself to really believe the truth. like...if understood enough theology.... or understood this certain bible passage... or grasped this certain doctrine.... if i close my eyes and believe hard enough, then something will change. but a fight continues deeper within me. and a small part of me dies as i continue to ignore that pain of loneliness and wonderment if God is really there or if i am alone. but, maybe that loneliness is a real feeling that shouldn't be ignored. not that it's TRUE...but, it's TRULY how i feel. me simply ignoring it and getting angry at myself for feeling that way is not beneficial at all. that anger at myself causes even more turmoil on the inside....which causes me to increasingly feel alone and distant.
when that guy moved across the great barrier between us...i felt something. it felt different. nothing had really changed. he still cared about me just as much and listened to me just as intently. but...the difference was within me and my understanding of the situation. and you know who had to cross that barrier first? the other guy. you know why? b/c he created the distance in the first place, and he therefore and the right to break the separation. the separation was really for my benefit and his respect of me during the time of exploring different issues of my life. but, it came to a point where God didn't want me to struggle in that process alone anymore...and he felt the barrier needed to be crossed. what a gift that experience was.... of feeling completely and utterly alone, but then to have that painful torture removed as eye contact was made and lives were shared.
it gives me a better picture of God in many ways. b/c, i do often feel like he's distant and far away. and i get angry at myself and rationalize my way out. but, i am working for something that i cannot change. it's really God that will reveal himself to us. all we can do is be open to those moments.... however often they occur. and...i am beginning to feel as if they occur more then i even dare to imagine currently.
the three week retreat was life changing for me...even though i sometimes doubt it. i know it was. many gifts were given to me throughout that sacred time. and...perhaps some gifts that will not be opened until later down the road. but, seeds were planted. wounds were dug into...but healing began. a hope was offered.... and i didn't have to simply fight to put it on this time. i pray i would not quickly forget these lessons. but, alas, i have one with me who will continue to remind me and deepen these things begun within me.
thanks to all who prayed form me during this time.
posted by lp at 9:30 PM
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