a bit about the 3wk. enough to hold you over for awhile.

this is the house i stayed in for 3 wks.

i slept on the floor of this room. mt. rainer is off to the left. you can't see it on this day. but, it made for beautiful sunrises and sunsets. trust me. i saw them all.

this is the sweet staircase up to the loft area. i liked it alot.

this is the downstairs. i didn't spend much time here at all. it scared me. i preferred to be up higher overlooking the bay.

intensive journey inward.

that's what the retreat is entitled. it was fairly intense. stayed at this house. alone. i had flashbacks of all the scary movies that ever were placed before my eyes. even scary commercials or tv shows. things i thought i was completely immune to. let me tell you this....YOU'RE NOT. it comes back to you. i could totally freak myself out and think that people were watching me. it didn't help that whenever the water turned on you could hear it running through the pipes underneath the floor. i could vividly imagine hands shooting up through the floorboards and grabbing my legs and pulling me down. i slept at the top of this amazing little house....here's a picture to give you a glimpse of what i am talking about. i slept in the master bedroom the first day...and then decided it was too big. i was used to sleeping on the floor underneath my bed in a cavelike area....so an entirely open room on an actually bed felt completely awkward. so...i volunteered to sleep on the floor in the highest point in the house. i would lay awake and imagine an assasin running up the two flights of stairs and busting into my room and pointing a gun at me. i formulated escape plans in my spare time. and then i spent the rest of the time trying to reason myself out of all these imagined disasters. seriously...who would want to kill me? there was absolutely nothing in the house of value except my mint oreo cookies....and my favorite blue pen. really...no reason for someone to desire to kill me. but, then there was the fact i was a girl and therefore inevitably have something guys want. so says the media. yes....this is indeed how my mind works. i wondered if this was simply how all people felt when they were alone...or specific to girls. and...actually...i don't think guys get as scared as us girls about being mugged, killed, attacked....however you want to describe it. i probably developed a few ulcers because i was worried about my safety during my time of the retreat. and then...it wasn't just physical safety...i would begin to worry about the much more powerful spiritual realm and how busy the atmosphere must have been around me during that time. that freaked me out to. i had flashbacks to thailand alot... and thought about what happened during my time there quite a bit. i figured these thoughts were simply attempting to distract me from focusing upon other "good" stuff. so...i spent some time feeling guilty that i was so scared because that seems to reveal my lack of trust in God's care for me. it also shows how much i've let other things impact me. it reveals how out of control of myself i actually am. i couldn't keep my heart from skipping beats...and my stomach from jumping into my mouth at the slightest sound. what was God trying to show me within that fear? should i feel guilty that i didn't trust him enough? that's my usual route. feel guilty. then get angry at myself b/c i can't control this irrational fear. the anger at myself turns inward and throws me into a perpetual cycle of guilt which results in a slightly depressed mood. the peace came when i opened up and embraced this fear as legit. i mean...i was in this town where i knew absolutely no one, a female, alone, in a strange house being put through some intense issues to sort through. and...the fact was that i had some fear. i can't deny that feeling...so, why was i trying? my mind is constantly working overtime to move me away from certain feelings. i rationalize. it's what i do. it's how i learned to function and cope with things. this is a fantastic way to cope at times...and it's amazing that our minds are capable. but, what if we just looked at the feelings to see where those led us? instead of trying to rid ourself of certain feelings...what if we just embraced the reality that they exist. stop ourselves from attempting to "figure it out" and just...be. can we just feel? should we just feel?
i don't know. i just ask questions. i don't have alot of answers. i just wonder. i like wondering. i wonder why that is....