dead.

i feel like i'm half dead. well...i feel as if i am not fully alive. i feel like a part of me died...when i came back from ukraine. and then...when my relationship w/ jb ended. when was the last time i felt completely free? excited? happy? some people think ukraine. but...it's not. i think it was the spring before i left. spring 2005. the team was being formed...'the conciousness.' i laughed. i went on campus and did 'free prayer' w/ friends. i didn't care if i was myself and who saw it. i had no idea what the future held for me. no desire to be w/ any guy cuz i saw none around i wanted to be w/. i was just myself. i laughed. i was quiet. i stayed up late...i read. i graduated. in ukraine i could focus on what i was doing. but had this longing that something was missing. i knew i didn't want to do something longterm ALONE. i felt a desire to be married. but....didn't foresee that in my future at all. then i come home and enter into this relationship w/ a guy who's awesome. cares about me...and pushes me forward in what i like...wants me to be bold in what i like/desire, etc. but..i'm so compeltely lost as i have no idea what i want in my future. i am frustrated...and feel boxed in being in a relationship and not knowing what the next step in life looks like. do i plan alone? or with this guy whom my heart longs to be w/? but...there's always this underlying feeling that things aren't right. why? i don't know. things weren't meshing. the relationship ends. i'm distraught. and...now...i still have no idea what for my future...and now no relationship. within the relationship...i began to feel encouraged...and cherished. i felt protected. i enjoyed that feeling. i felt more free to be myself at times. knowing i could make a mistake and not be left in the dirt. now...i don't have that security. i feel like any slight mistake...and i'm toast. i'm a loser. i have nothing good to say. i'm wasting my life. what crap. i'm believing lies right now....but, i'm having a hard time seeing what is true.

help me trust you now God. i want to be finished w/ this. i want to be alive again...but, i wonder if i ever can be. my heart was broken...and i don't know how to fix it. i think i have numbed myself off to the pain and hurt...but, sometimes i catch a glimpse of it again. and...it's still so painful.

you have my future. you have my life. i've no idea the next step...but, it's for you Father. Make me whole and alive. i enjoy feeling things deeply...but heal me. help me be whole again. i feel like part of my innocence was lost. i always thought i'd 'know' when i met the right guy....i never thought i'd have to do it twice. it hurts and angers me to think that has to occur again. sometimes i just want to throw in the towel on relationships. oh....fill me up w/ your love...that you would overflow out of me.

be w/ those women that have been raped in africa.....send someone to let them know there is a reason they are still alive. may they find hope in you! Redeem your people oh lord...