music.

music has the power to transport you back to specific occasions when you felt a certain way. i listend to a certain cd a lot last year...and just pulled out the music again. i find myself feeling much how i did last year.

i also recall listening to 'here is our king,' by david crowder in ukraine this past march. sasha played it at his house. i stayed at sasha and luda's place with todd (a guy who supported me for my previous jaunts to ukraine...and wanted to see it for himself). sasha borrowed my cd player (as always) and plugged it in to these small computer speakers which served as their stereo system. (quite fancy actually). it played continously while i stayed there. i loved staying there. they had a tiny dog named lala that liked to pee everywhere but outside. it also enjoyed biting. (kinda like this small kid i know). i remember staying up late and writing notes to josh...and awaiting the next morning when i could read one of the many notes he sent w/ me for time we were apart. i wrote him this super long letter explaining all these feelings that were enveloping me at the time. i talked about my love for the people. i mentioned how i desired to become more hospitable...b/c they were so grand at it and i so suck at it. i missed him alot...and i'm fairly certain i mentioned that once or twice. i tried to paint a picture so he could experience the trip with me. i remember sasha staying up late w/ me and talking w/ me about josh. sasha askd me many questions about josh and the man that he was. he asked me questions on if i was really ready to be with someone the rest of my life. and he asked why we weren't engaged yet. and...sasha shared w/ me how he has enjoyed married life and how it makes the difficult things in life easier to go through. all the while david crowder is playing in the background. upon parting sasha and luda presented me with this crown. calling me a princess and telling me that i must wear this on my wedding day. ..and that they were so excited that i found someone i loved. many of the girls said the same thing to me in different ways. this is another reason breaking up w/ josh was a bit difficult. i was embaressed that i couldn't even 'hold onto' a boy...i felt like a loser. and this is why it killed me when josh didn't even read the letter i wrote him while i was in ukraine. b/c i had stayed up late many nights to note my thoughts for the day. and he didn't even desire to read about my experience. i wanted him to read it and ask me questions and to be so excited that we'd stay up late talking about it. but, alas...all these desires remain only that. longings in my heart.

my friend lindsay is right. i had asked lindsay why i should 'let go' of josh. b/c in many respects he is exactly the man i am looking for. the only reason i foresee not liking him...is that he doesn't like me. which...seems dumb to say. it's obvious and a great reason to move on. but...this fact hurts the most. with his words he would exclaim his desire to know me and that he was pursuing and liked being around me. but, his actions showed me much differently. i was ok with it...in hopes that time would make this better. but, time didn't make it better. the fact is...josh should have broken up w/ me long before or never started pursuing me if he didn't like me. it's just hard to retract my heart now that i have let it go. i placed my trust in josh's words...and now i can't forsee doing this with anyone ever again. i didn't feel like josh liked me...but he continually told me he did...but i felt he didn't. stupid emotions....and stupid being intutitive. i never know if my feelings are correct or my emotions are overwhelming me.

hmpf. this post was long. slightly boring. but, it's good to mark down my thoughts.