peppy.
so. that would never be a word to describe me. it just wouldn't.
can i vent. just once...again?
drives home. talking. challenge of the gospel. real. God's love. truth. acceptance. questions answered about theology, science, life. i loved that. i'm missing that right now. it honestly does not make sense to me why i cannot have it. why do i think i know better? what crap. i do not. what do i want more? God...to serve him? Or my own fleeting pleasure? (when you put it that way...it's easy). i want someone that doesn't want me. why ever do i put myself through this hell? he's the one that's missing out. he made the mistake. if that's true...why am i the one that is left upset while he continues on w/ his nice little life? um. you are right. i'm bitter now. my friend informed me that some guy has a crush on me. but, he said i don't need to worry b/c he knows better than to pursue me. he says guys are intimidated by me...b/c they don't know what i want. they don't know how to offer me security that i need. in some ways....i like that. in other ways...it makes me feel like i'll be alone forever. (which...i really am ok w/ at this point). however. i continually think back to how much fun i DID have w/ josh. and...i get slightly bitter when i think of how serious a majority of our time was the last little bit. and...i place much blame upon him and his attitude. and... i feel like he's blaming ME and thinking I am no fun. i think...it's my worst fear. to be no fun. to be boring. seriously. my worst fear. that...and have my good friend tortured and killed in front of me. that is actually my worst fear. second is the being boring. a bit on different levels...but, both could happen in my life.
i am complaining. it's true. not too many people read this. so, it's ok. right? um...yah. i'm honestly....good now. i am laughing...and joking more. i just don't like the idea that i am 'settling' or being content. or...missing out on the power of hte gospel b/c i'm not living w/ anyone that hits that part of my soul as others have in the past. i need those that can reach those inner parts. you know who you are. josh did. marta...and others to be nameless. sigh. don't let me loose that Father! bring someone into my life to speak the power of the gospel into the mundane....to live and be a light to others w/.
im out.
can i vent. just once...again?
drives home. talking. challenge of the gospel. real. God's love. truth. acceptance. questions answered about theology, science, life. i loved that. i'm missing that right now. it honestly does not make sense to me why i cannot have it. why do i think i know better? what crap. i do not. what do i want more? God...to serve him? Or my own fleeting pleasure? (when you put it that way...it's easy). i want someone that doesn't want me. why ever do i put myself through this hell? he's the one that's missing out. he made the mistake. if that's true...why am i the one that is left upset while he continues on w/ his nice little life? um. you are right. i'm bitter now. my friend informed me that some guy has a crush on me. but, he said i don't need to worry b/c he knows better than to pursue me. he says guys are intimidated by me...b/c they don't know what i want. they don't know how to offer me security that i need. in some ways....i like that. in other ways...it makes me feel like i'll be alone forever. (which...i really am ok w/ at this point). however. i continually think back to how much fun i DID have w/ josh. and...i get slightly bitter when i think of how serious a majority of our time was the last little bit. and...i place much blame upon him and his attitude. and... i feel like he's blaming ME and thinking I am no fun. i think...it's my worst fear. to be no fun. to be boring. seriously. my worst fear. that...and have my good friend tortured and killed in front of me. that is actually my worst fear. second is the being boring. a bit on different levels...but, both could happen in my life.
i am complaining. it's true. not too many people read this. so, it's ok. right? um...yah. i'm honestly....good now. i am laughing...and joking more. i just don't like the idea that i am 'settling' or being content. or...missing out on the power of hte gospel b/c i'm not living w/ anyone that hits that part of my soul as others have in the past. i need those that can reach those inner parts. you know who you are. josh did. marta...and others to be nameless. sigh. don't let me loose that Father! bring someone into my life to speak the power of the gospel into the mundane....to live and be a light to others w/.
im out.
posted by lp at 10:01 PM
2 Comments:
You make me laugh. I love you. Let the boy like you if he wants. Let him be intimidated by you if he chooses. You're a strong, beautiful woman of God, and you don't have to make excuses for that or change for anyone.
Let me also clarify that growing and changing are different. At least I think so.
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