b/c i don't want to.
i don't want to move on.
so i haven't.
i cling to some sort of hope.
it makes sense in my head.
i can live w/o being in a close relationship of the opposite sex.
i actually am beginning to prefer that in life as opposed to starting over w/ getting to knwo someone. you know why? b/c the difficulties i faced in my previous relationship are the same problems which will be faced in the next. maybe they will look a bit different...but, when it comes down to it...the same problems will be there. that frustrates/scares me. but, it also makes me think the ending of the previous relationship was in vain. it may seem neat and fun to meet a new person at first...and that you 'connect'...but, just wait. those frustrations WILL arise. i've never heard of a marriage that hasn't had them. it's just the way they are dealt w/ that are different. i don't think there is ONE right person for you in life. so...i know i could enter into a new relationship. but, the fact is i don't want to. you know how much a girl can change depending upon the guy she is w/? that's scary. i want to be me....and i want to be w/ a guy that pulls that out of me. i have felt this at times...i've felt encouraged to be more of who God made me to be...i loved that. i don't need that in life...but, it was sweet for the short time i had it. oh...that i would seek God...and find my joy in him. and pour into others in my life. allow me to laugh again...to let go of this hurt that runs so deeply in my heart right now. not for the sake of being friviolous...but, b/c, that's what you would have fun us as your children. forgive me for the way i've reacted as of lately father. i've almost run away from you...still learning more about you..but, not allowing you to penetrate my heart in the ways you desire of me.
my heart just hurts so much at times....
thanks that you are a God of healing.
what sparked this post...was that i am going through my room. i am looking at pics, and notes from the past few years. reminds me of the places i've been...emotionally, physically, spiritually. i am thankful for the ways God has shaped me...been faithful to me. a friend of mine called me out on it. i felt so blessed to be in relationship w/ someone i loved. it was fantastic. but, then it was ripped away from me. it's not like i am mad at God...but, just a bit set back and seeking hard to trust him w/ my whole heart again. i know life isn't about being married or having kids. i KNOW this. but, i desire a close relationship where i am understood and i can share my life/thoughts/desires...and just do the mundane in life together! and the joys of life together! and to invite others in to enjoy this as well.
so...that's it.
know that i sometimes just post when my heart is overflowing w/...hurt. if i sound depressed...i'm not really. i think i just have alot of deep hurt...and i can't make sense of it.
so i haven't.
i cling to some sort of hope.
it makes sense in my head.
i can live w/o being in a close relationship of the opposite sex.
i actually am beginning to prefer that in life as opposed to starting over w/ getting to knwo someone. you know why? b/c the difficulties i faced in my previous relationship are the same problems which will be faced in the next. maybe they will look a bit different...but, when it comes down to it...the same problems will be there. that frustrates/scares me. but, it also makes me think the ending of the previous relationship was in vain. it may seem neat and fun to meet a new person at first...and that you 'connect'...but, just wait. those frustrations WILL arise. i've never heard of a marriage that hasn't had them. it's just the way they are dealt w/ that are different. i don't think there is ONE right person for you in life. so...i know i could enter into a new relationship. but, the fact is i don't want to. you know how much a girl can change depending upon the guy she is w/? that's scary. i want to be me....and i want to be w/ a guy that pulls that out of me. i have felt this at times...i've felt encouraged to be more of who God made me to be...i loved that. i don't need that in life...but, it was sweet for the short time i had it. oh...that i would seek God...and find my joy in him. and pour into others in my life. allow me to laugh again...to let go of this hurt that runs so deeply in my heart right now. not for the sake of being friviolous...but, b/c, that's what you would have fun us as your children. forgive me for the way i've reacted as of lately father. i've almost run away from you...still learning more about you..but, not allowing you to penetrate my heart in the ways you desire of me.
my heart just hurts so much at times....
thanks that you are a God of healing.
what sparked this post...was that i am going through my room. i am looking at pics, and notes from the past few years. reminds me of the places i've been...emotionally, physically, spiritually. i am thankful for the ways God has shaped me...been faithful to me. a friend of mine called me out on it. i felt so blessed to be in relationship w/ someone i loved. it was fantastic. but, then it was ripped away from me. it's not like i am mad at God...but, just a bit set back and seeking hard to trust him w/ my whole heart again. i know life isn't about being married or having kids. i KNOW this. but, i desire a close relationship where i am understood and i can share my life/thoughts/desires...and just do the mundane in life together! and the joys of life together! and to invite others in to enjoy this as well.
so...that's it.
know that i sometimes just post when my heart is overflowing w/...hurt. if i sound depressed...i'm not really. i think i just have alot of deep hurt...and i can't make sense of it.
posted by lp at 8:35 AM
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