first samuel

i just read first samuel.
hmm. i kept getting saul and samuel confused. a bit of a difference.
i am taking this OT survey course...and i must admit it's a bit frustrating. the reading load is so much that i don't have time to really dig in and understand how the entire book is set up. it seems to me that the book repeats itself...and i have a difficult time getting it into a timeline in my head. like...david is appointed...but, then keep tending sheep. but, then he goes to saul and plays the harp...yet saul doesn't seem to know him in chapter 18 (17?) w/ Goliath. it all seems a bit confusing to me. i am sure materials exist which would help explain this....but, i can hardly get through all the regular readings...let alone study something else. am i complaining? maybe. but, my hearts not too upset. just, realizing how much there is to learn and how much i want to dig in. i really do. i can see myself isolating myself as i do this. i don't want to do that. how sweet it would be to study in community w/ others who are just as serious. hmmm....i guess that's what a bible study is, eh? ha. i'm so witty....aren't i?

i feel a freedom i haven't had.
i want to be attuned to the spirit. i want to deal w/ sin radically. i want to seek hard after God...and seek holiness. i want this to define my life. i want my fear of God to overwhelm me...(not fear of man).

i want to stop desiring what is NOT mine...

i got stuff inline for going to school next spring. i'm scared. it'd be way easier to stay here at home. i like it. it's super relaxing...but, maybe not the best option. i cried this weekend as i read some old emails.... i wrote about my family. i discussed how i longed to push them away b/c it would be easier to leave them if i wasn't so close to them emotionally. looking back at this statement...it nearly pains my heart that i nearly did that. i nearly left my family w/o having a close tie w/ them. breaking up w/ josh caused me to become closer w/ all members of my family (even extended). and now i live w/ my parents. it's been great....in the fact i feel and see their love for me. i will never doubt that my parents love me. (almost to my detriment at times..cuz i'm spoiled). i am so completely thankful for this special time to live w/ them. though...i know i do not want this my entire life. (though..it would be nice).

i think that my mom is my hero. i should save this for another post...b/c, i could go off on this for a long time. i'm just noticing so many awesome characteristics about me mom.