time.

what shall i write? what will come out tonight? as i sit down...i'm not sure.

my heart is a bit heavy...a bit confused.

but...at the same time i feel light and really excited and happy as i lean towards the future. i can do anything... really. i feel so much freedom to pursue what God would have for me. it's so appealing.... if only i knew what was appealing to me! so much of what i have learned... has come through experience. not in a classroom setting. maybe...i'm hiding in the classroom. afraid to come out into the real world! really?

the idea of doing distant education super appeals to me..as i think about living at home surrounded by people that love me...and studying things i love...and having the chance to be involved strategically in the kingdom. thinking about moving to an entirely new place...and trying to find a place to work, a community to interact w/, and people to invest in...seems overwhelming! i don't want to move into a christian bubble! i want to be active in the world...w/ people....

(so...i guess i'm not hiding in the classroom, am i?) that thought just rushed through my heart as i was typing.


part of me... doesn't want to move far from family. what if something drastic happens? i feel something terrible hasn't happened in our family for awhile. so...something is bound to happen soon. like...my grandparents going up to worship their lover forever... or my mom's cancer coming back... or abbie to have some incurable disease that disables her for life. something. something is going to happen and i'll be the jerk family member living far away.

perhaps i feel selfish for moving away....

am i still pushing to go b/c of some desire for something to work out w/ josh?

no...i think i can say...no. in honesty. (is that why i am rethinking of going?...cuz i lost hope). maybe. i am just thinking.... that God wants us to be healthy in ALL aspects of our life. and...being connected w/ others is huge. and..i'm connected here. (i've been told i'm not)...but, really....i am. if i spend time and interact...i connect w/ people. if i take time and invest...i can.

so...it is w/ people i've been on teams w/ in ukraine. (the whole summer or just a few weeks)... or girl i have a REAL chat w/. i just connect deeply w/ people if i allow. and...i feel like i maintain many of those friendships. heck...i'm going to see my best friend tomorrow...whom i haven't seen in person for 7 months. and....then another great friend (whom i've only probably spent 20 days with in all of my life)....i am goin to spend the weekend w/.

i dunno.

i do like people.
i do like to have fun.
i do like my family.
i am confused.
i do get frustrated.

all i know is...
i like just living right now...and not really thinking about the future. but...knowing that this stage is temporary. that good stuff lies ahead. my hope is in that. pushing papers around isn't my life. it's not what i will be doing in two months. this is only temporary.

isn't that how we should view all of life? that....this isn't what we're living for. it's just temporary. our hope is in what is to come. even though...we don't know what the heck that will be. whatever it is...it will be sweet. our home is in heaven. not on this earth. it's only a shadow of what is to come. amen...come lord jesus come!

one's just a shorter timeline. lifetime vs. a year.

hmm.....

real.
deep.
authentic.
community.
committment.

buzzwords for this year.

strategic was the buzz word for the year of 2004. i used to puke when i heard that word. now it's just a small gag. hopefully....i won't grow to detest the other words as much.

these....are my thoughts. this is what came out today....the 27th of june...2006.