onwards.

he left today...no more will i see him in this place in the world. i think never again will we be in this city together. we won't ever go and watch the sunrise at the park as we once had discussed. i'll never stay up until the wee hours at the lab with him. we won't ever walk through campus together again....looking at the old buildings and talking about past classes which sucked the life out of us. we won't walk around campus town and talk about all the people we see and the bars we pass. we won't ever run into each other randomly at the coffee shop. i won't go to a certain place hoping he is there...b/c he won't be. i know he won't be. there is a bit of freedom in this...as i had begun to avoid people and places he might be around. now i am free...but, there is a sadness that hangs around me as well.

many good memories. seeing him as i enter the church on a thursday evening. as he catches my eye in the middle of a conversation he is having w/ some guy.

why was i so insecure? why did i wonder if he wanted to sit by me? why did i not share with him the frustrations in my heart? why did i expect him to know? why did i blame everything on him and not make any changes within my own life? why? what was i thinking? was all this year just to learn....? i am going to struggle with these things within any relationship! i want someone to desire to work through thinsg w/ me....that won't just give up on me and think they need something better. love covers a multitude of sin.... what's the balance b/t personality differences and...just plain selfishness? am i blaming him again?

i don't mean to. i see how powerful forgiveness is. i have forgiven him. i do not want to hold all the ways he has hurt me against him. i want the same from him. i just see how much God is my support and he is the one who sees all and knows all. if i was wronged....(and josh needs to know)...it will be revealed to him. i trust God....for this is what i am praying for. but, i want the same for me. i want to see the areas i lacked and could have grown in.

am i becoming too involved in this? does anyone even care about my thoughts? i think not. that's why i can write so openly. it's so completely freeing.

i don't want to loose my passion for Christ. i want to continue to seek and to know and to live my life for him in strategic and great ways.

i informed my boss i am not working for him come august. i felt bad. i think tim is best boss one could ever have. seriously. i love working there.... i am fairly laid back...and i know the guys reall appreciate that about me. i'm really extremely laid back....and never get uptight about anything. sometimes i was worried i wasn't the best at the job b/c of that...but, they told me they really liked that about me.

i don't know. i just...wanted to mark down what i'm thinking tonight as the plane travels across the ocean to a place which will definately give him new insights and thoughts. i pray this time will be a real soul searching and healing time for him as things come full circle for him. i want him to find joy in you God. that is my prayer and hope. i want health. i want him to expereince full joy in you alone Jesus.

jv...i want to come.