insane

sometimes i think i'm going insane. it's true.

like...last night. i had spent a fair amount of time getting ready for a wedding. i had known about this wedding weeks ago. i had always planned to go. but...as i was walking from my bedroom to the front door...i began to cry.

i didn't want to go alone. overwhelming feelings of hopelessness inflitrated my head. feelings of betrayal as a friend didn't return phone calls. we had planned two weeks ago to get ready together and then go together. but.....calls left unreturned. it hurt. i have no friends. no one to listen to me. no one to care about me. no one to go to the store and buy me medicine. sure...people would do it if i asked. but...i don't think they care about me in a deep way.

how can i have that? and learn to get used to it? and then have it yanked away?

i hate this. my heart hurts so bad.

sometimes i think i'm doing ok, but....then i just start crying and i can't stop.

what's true?

why do i end up carrying all the stupid hurt around? i'm tired of doing that! i want and need someone that is interested in me...and who i am. not someone who frustrates me b/c i'm not someone different.

it was just so safe before. and now it's all up in the air again.
keep my heart broken. i want to respond in right ways. i need your help Father to do this....cuz i can't on my own.