music.

music is fantastic.
i sit in my living room now...just listening. a part of me wants to turn on the tv and sink into feeling nothing. but, no. this music is soothing to my soul.

today i saw the man who has caused my heart so much pain. what caused me more pain today was to see the hurt in his eyes...but not to know why. i want to know. i want to know what's going on inside his mind. it hurts i can't. but you know what? it would hurt if i could. basically....no matter what i will be left hurting. i am left w/ speculations.... i hope everyone in his family is ok.

i also wonder if i did something to upset him. it really sucks not knowing. but...i can pray. i can pray for his heart to be healed. i sense a lot of hurting... i want him to believe truth. to find joy. to not beat himself up. but, to experience freedom and joy in that man God has made him to be.

i realized today... as hard as it is to say... i didn't want to be w/ him. he's in too much pain. not enough room for anyone else right now except his own pain. he's so kind...but, can say cutting remarks which hurt me so deeply and he hardly knows he has done it! and...i am so slow to pick up on the hurt he is causing me until later.

relationships are all about committment. and...i realized that he wasn't wanting to commit to me. for whatever reason. he thinks we didn't connect. blames it on personality. i say....it was b/c we were both selfish, immature, and living unlike the creator intended. i was desiring him to fulfill a part of me only God can. i desired a deep relationship...but, couldn't obtain.

i desire God so much. i desire freedom. i need him for strength. my dependence is solely upon him. for life. for breath. for joy.

i want to have a family. i want to have someone to share my life w/. it would make all so much more enjoyable. but, that's not ultimately what casues happiness! that's found in Christ.

also...at this point in my life i can have relationship w/ so many people who can love me and care for me w/o inhabitions! isn't that spectacular? i think so. guys...girls.


in your courts you find me in worship at your feet.
hide me now in the shadow of your wings.
where i will be.......home.
home is heaven and one day lord i will live in your courts.

some lyrics from hillsong. our home is in heaven. not on this earth.

how are we living? as in God's kingdom? or this world?