finished.

it's official.
i am finished.
finished feeling sorry for myself.
finished having the loss of this relationship destroy my joy and freedom.
finished w/ analyzing and trying to understand the impossible.

it's true... i'll admit ....i think i'm lonely.

i never really knew what lonliness was before. but, then i experienced real and authentic relationship...and a friendship. someone who cared about me....and took time for me...and wanted to know me. now...it's gone. and, i miss having that...but that's ok. it's ok to miss it...it's a loss. but, it's not ok to stay in this place.

i don't want to settle for anything less than what God has for me. it sounds cliche...but, i mean this. i know it'd be easy to fill this lonely feeling w/ not so good things. but, the thing which is going to fill me up--and what i want to fill me up--is a joy from God.

knowing God is eternal. that is what matters in this life. not happiness. i want to know God better...and whatever path i have to go down to know him better...i'm willing. it's easy for me to think i'm being punished... and if i only learned my 'lessons' quicker i wouldn't have so much turmoil in my heart. stupid lies.

i have no idea what i'm doing in my life. it's so uncertain once again. while...just a few months ago i thought things were finally getting figured out. but...in all honesty...i like the excitement of not knowing what is going to happen. sometimes the idea of being a wife, a mom....just drained me. i don't want to ever become ok w/ the american dream lifestyle. so much more is going on in the world.... i want to be a part of this. i want to bring justice in the ways possible....and to point others to God b/c of the situation they find themselves in.

have you seen the movie 'beyond borders'? you should.

check out www.ijm.org. this is what i want to do now....to use the few years i have on this earth for a purpose.