games. fans. people. beer.

so...someone actually read my blog. and then...commented. can you believe it? i can't. i debated on telling anyone i know that i actually have a blog. a few people i know think it's silly. others don't have a clue what a blog is. i figured...i can't just go around reading other peoples blogs. i must have my own.

now...i find myself going through life...and then thinking, 'i could write about this.' and...it's a good feeling. i think i like to write. it's nice to have an idea...and then think about ways to explain and portray it to other people. how can i explain this feeling i have? this frustration in my heart? will others even care? i usually think not...so i don't share it verbally...and come home and type away to an unknown and (until now) an unexistent audience.

but...i'm ok if no one reads. it's just good to process things.

i went to a baseball game tonight. it was actually quite fun. people everywhere. $6 beer. $7 nachos. but...the bathroom usage is free! spectacular.

It was amazing to sit inside this metrodome...and to see thousands of people.... all watching the same game. little groups (families) all interacting. some of them laughing...and then others (like the three sitting in front of me)...sitting through the entire game not interacting at all! i don't think they talked w/ each other the entire evening. the older woman sat and read her book...the older man sat in one position and sometimes nodded his head at a good play...and the younger boy sat and sometimes half-heartedly clapped at fitting times.

why are some people fun? and others not? were the peopel in front of me having fun? as fun as the people next to me who spent the entire game laughing and shouting and partcipating in the wave? hmmm. do some people just show their 'fun' in different ways? were the people beside me laughing more satisfied w/ their life than those in front of me? do we need relationships to be joyful?

i think we all need to be loved. i think love is what pulls us out of ourselves...and gives us energy throughout the day.

i know this...b/c i think i lacked energy for awhile as my heart was quite broken. i lost interest in taking care of my apt...and let dishes pile up in the sink and books lay around the floor and clothes pile up in the closet. mostly b/c...i didn't want to take the energy to organize and be clean.

i dunno. somehow this all connects...but i am having a difficult time doing it. i am totally just rambling now.

my main thought of today has been....how much God is about our whole lives being healthy. not just parts. he has given us family to love us and to love. let's not disengage from them. let's love others and see others as God would have us.

this makes me question my decision to move a long long way from any close family/friends to go to school. am i just plain silly? or will a move be good for me? am i running away? i cannot run away from the turmoil inside me.

this is why i ask God to keep my heart soft...to quietly direct my thoughts in healthy and true ways. i want to have utter dependence on the creator of my soul....and to make decisions which will be good for my heart and growth in truth and love. (will not being around those who care for me be a drain to my soul?) i spent the evening w/ my aunt, uncle, mother, father, sister, brother-in-law, niece.....all who love me dearly. my sister paid for the baseball game, my dad for my dinner and ice-cream treat afterwards. they drove me around... they purused me asking questions. next year....will i just be at home longing for someone to love me? i won't be able to hop in the car and drive 45 minutes to see my sister. or drive 2 hours to see my parents. or walk somewhere to visit a friend. will i regret moving away from family?

maybe i will. am i unsettled b/c this is the wrong decision? or...b/c i am scared of change? or...b/c i'm just plain scared?

hmm... these are my thoughts for today. i must go read and dive into some truth..

last thought....perhaps moving away will be difficult...but--it's not for life. it could be an investment for the future. ?? i think this is what keeps me moving forward towards leaving for a short time (2 years). it's not a life move.

um...honestly...i just want to have someone love me for who i am... thank you Jesus...for loving and showing yourself to me. Jesus...lover of my soul.