friendship.
i wonder if i have ever had a true friend.
i've probably blogged about this before.
and it's slightly odd given the fact i have people that read this blog that would attest otherwise. but, i do find it slightly odd my closest friends remain those whom i have gone overseas with. others have come and gone... some have completely ignored any type of communication i have offered to them. that hurts. i don't understand how people do that. perhaps i count on people too much. perhaps i want more out of friendship then others around me. why do those i have been overseas with...stick with me? while...others don't? perhaps it's because it's when i am overseas that i experience real and true community. the other times...people are just too involved in their own crap. perhaps i am just hurt...and therefore angry over lost friendships and somehow trying to justify them. but, perhaps lost relationships don't fit nicely into a compact little box which can explain the hurt. maybe i just feel it as a rejection of me....and that stings a bit. i probably shouldn't care...but, if i pretended it didn't hurt then my heart would begin to darken and harden. i'd rather feel deeply and cultivate a soft heart....even if it causes much pain...b/c feeling things deeply is a really great thing. you can feel pain, but you can also feel joy.
i am just thankful right now for my friends that have stuck with me. those distanced relationships. ben. johnson. debra. jen. billy. marta. lindsay. eric. kendra. rachel. i am probably forgetting a few.
what the heck was i doing in ames those years? not a lot emerged from those years...except perhaps my relationship w/ the guys at the office. even though i did completely mess up their payroll and caused them a lot of problems financially. that will be funny in a few years.
perhaps it's because when i am overseas...i don't feel like i have anything to prove. (that erects the question on what i have to prove in the states....). but, overseas i somehow feel more free. more myself. alive. do i just say that now b/c i am here? but....others have confirmed that in my life... is that a sinful reaction...or just a confirmation that perhaps my future lies in overseas work? at least people know me better in those circumstances...
-----
i am tired of talking about things. and people complaining to me about how the church is lacking in this area and that commandment in the new testament. get out and do something. live. i don't really want to be in full time ministry...b/c it seems so trite in many ways. go have coffee with this girl, have a bible study with these girls, check up on that girl.... check up for why? make sure they aren't sinning. b/c if they are that's really going to mess up the ministry....so fix it.
where is the reliance on the power offered to us through Jesus Christ? where do we pray for healing for others? where do we openly admit our faults? where do we discuss what God is doing in our lives? when did it all become so personalized? that we do 'personal retreats' and refrain from discussing our time. perhaps i have a wrong view...and it's something really personal like a honeymoon. yah...you can discuss where you went, but no one wants to hear/share the details. but, i don't think God's work in your life should be hidden or secret.
i crave deep community...where i am known and people know me. where people look out for the good of others to the point of suffering. where you feel a love that perhaps you haven't known in your family. have you ever felt true love...outside your family circle? it's powerful. let's love each other with that type of love. perhaps i question if i will ever find that type of community b/c of all the times i have felt burned by times i thought i had obtained these type of close relationships. but....i am praying that i will once again be able to open my heart up...perhaps only to be hurt again...but, it's worth it.
and...if you kept reading...congrats. i'm done now.
ps. please refrain from assuming you know what situations i am referring to within any of my blogs. i often speak in generalities...and am not addressing something specific...so, address me if you have questions. assuming isn't fair.
i've probably blogged about this before.
and it's slightly odd given the fact i have people that read this blog that would attest otherwise. but, i do find it slightly odd my closest friends remain those whom i have gone overseas with. others have come and gone... some have completely ignored any type of communication i have offered to them. that hurts. i don't understand how people do that. perhaps i count on people too much. perhaps i want more out of friendship then others around me. why do those i have been overseas with...stick with me? while...others don't? perhaps it's because it's when i am overseas that i experience real and true community. the other times...people are just too involved in their own crap. perhaps i am just hurt...and therefore angry over lost friendships and somehow trying to justify them. but, perhaps lost relationships don't fit nicely into a compact little box which can explain the hurt. maybe i just feel it as a rejection of me....and that stings a bit. i probably shouldn't care...but, if i pretended it didn't hurt then my heart would begin to darken and harden. i'd rather feel deeply and cultivate a soft heart....even if it causes much pain...b/c feeling things deeply is a really great thing. you can feel pain, but you can also feel joy.
i am just thankful right now for my friends that have stuck with me. those distanced relationships. ben. johnson. debra. jen. billy. marta. lindsay. eric. kendra. rachel. i am probably forgetting a few.
what the heck was i doing in ames those years? not a lot emerged from those years...except perhaps my relationship w/ the guys at the office. even though i did completely mess up their payroll and caused them a lot of problems financially. that will be funny in a few years.
perhaps it's because when i am overseas...i don't feel like i have anything to prove. (that erects the question on what i have to prove in the states....). but, overseas i somehow feel more free. more myself. alive. do i just say that now b/c i am here? but....others have confirmed that in my life... is that a sinful reaction...or just a confirmation that perhaps my future lies in overseas work? at least people know me better in those circumstances...
-----
i am tired of talking about things. and people complaining to me about how the church is lacking in this area and that commandment in the new testament. get out and do something. live. i don't really want to be in full time ministry...b/c it seems so trite in many ways. go have coffee with this girl, have a bible study with these girls, check up on that girl.... check up for why? make sure they aren't sinning. b/c if they are that's really going to mess up the ministry....so fix it.
where is the reliance on the power offered to us through Jesus Christ? where do we pray for healing for others? where do we openly admit our faults? where do we discuss what God is doing in our lives? when did it all become so personalized? that we do 'personal retreats' and refrain from discussing our time. perhaps i have a wrong view...and it's something really personal like a honeymoon. yah...you can discuss where you went, but no one wants to hear/share the details. but, i don't think God's work in your life should be hidden or secret.
i crave deep community...where i am known and people know me. where people look out for the good of others to the point of suffering. where you feel a love that perhaps you haven't known in your family. have you ever felt true love...outside your family circle? it's powerful. let's love each other with that type of love. perhaps i question if i will ever find that type of community b/c of all the times i have felt burned by times i thought i had obtained these type of close relationships. but....i am praying that i will once again be able to open my heart up...perhaps only to be hurt again...but, it's worth it.
and...if you kept reading...congrats. i'm done now.
ps. please refrain from assuming you know what situations i am referring to within any of my blogs. i often speak in generalities...and am not addressing something specific...so, address me if you have questions. assuming isn't fair.
posted by lp at 9:48 AM
1 Comments:
I love that you call me Debra. You know me so much! I love you!
Maybe God keeps telling you something, but you feel like you can't follow that because it's not what you thought you'd do or be. Go were your heart is...the pang is there for a reason. If you're wrong, you're wrong...but you learned something right! You got to see a door closed...better than an unknown right? Just a thought. Not assuming, just thinking outload.
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