prayer_project

Assignment: First, spend time asking God what it means to be awakened to God throughout the day. Question if it’s your will to get up (amongst other things). Do this for three days at the beginning of each day. Second, take a person in life that you feel closed down to and ask God what it would be like to be willing to God in regard to this person. Third, take ½ hour and pray 10 minutes for each category asking to what degree you are willfull, will-less, and willing.

The morning times of prayer were interesting as I would often just lay in bed just after waking up and mull over these thoughts in my head, consciously setting them before God and asking him the truth of what the day held. I found myself remembering certain aspects which emerged on the three week retreat in regards to how often I do things because I simply feel it’s the right thing to do…or the thing I should do. I just do the things I think I should do, and never what I want. I can get to the point where I feel I’ve lost my person in the entire process. Would I do anything if I had a choice? I feel like I may just remain in bed and sleep and then never talk to anyone ever again. I often don’t want to get out of bed or interact with others. What drives this is a fear that I will disappoint others. I’d rather just not attempt to do things, then attempt to do something and fail them. I often feel like I am simply in the way of other people…and it’d be better if I just was not around. This is what goes through my mind as I sat with the questions for the first part of the prayer project. When I would arrive at this point I would realize how I am going into a downward tailspin as I sat alone in my thoughts…and so would address God as to what it would look like to be willing to him in the day. I still sometimes felt like it was a stretch to determine what is my neurotic thoughts as to what God would have me do, and what was really him prompting me to do something. I have been wrestling with my God image, and so this has made these things more difficult as to determine what is him and what is me. I sometimes am slightly scared to really lay these questions out there because I am afraid of his response or request of me.

This flows into the second part of the prayer project which was asking God about what it would be like to be willing to him in a certain situation w/ a person. A persons face came to mind when Coe first offered this assignment. I already felt this sense of guilt because I hadn’t made myself completely available for this person the past few weeks. I had almost been avoiding the person because they were overwhelming to me. I felt like it was slightly like self-protection. But, when thinking about opening this up to God, I felt like he would be pissed at me b/c I wasn’t being selfless and loving towards this person. However, as I began to open up this area which I had attempted to harden my heart, I didn’t find God’s anger or disappointment in how I was handling this situation, instead I found almost a peace and affirmation. And it wasn’t necessarily that I felt good about how I had been treating this person…but, it was more just a feeling of being accepted by him. My thoughts and emotions didn’t even have to do with the other person, but just me. I am not sure if this is simply because I have been self-consumed lately and simply don’t care about the other persons feelings. A question arose in my mind as to why I think I need to sacrifice myself to all peoples in my life. This simply consumes me and drains me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. This issue has arisen before…and I asked myself if this is what God would have for me. I sometimes think this is what God would have for me, and why I don’t always approach him b/c I don’t want to become consumed with caring for other people. This project was a reminder that perhaps if I approach him, he will not heap even more upon me. Perhaps by seeking him out I will find peace and rest. This completely shakes the way I have always approached things. I simply assume that I know what God will say…and so that often stops me from actually approaching Him. Why actually pray when I know what he will tell me? This is what hinders me from praying at times. Why should I pray if I already know what I should do? No wonder my prayer life has shrunk. Could God respond opposite of what I think? This is scary because it means I am no longer in control, but really opening me up to having a deeper trust in God.

The third part was examining the degree and areas of being willful, will-less and willing. It was difficult for me to find areas of being willful. I feel as if I am blind to these areas. My mind kept wandering to the depths of which I am will-less. I feel as if I am in the depths of this despairing and will-less attitude. I am not even sure how to get out of this sadness which I find within the will-lessness. I do find an opening to deeper areas of sin…b/c there seems to be no hope to get out of it, so why should I even attempt to get out? It’s an impossibility to emerge from this will-less attitude, so why should I even attempt. I became a bit confused as to how I am willing…b/c I seem to think I am will-less in all areas. I identified certain words I have discussed w/ God as seemingly being open….but perhaps I am still attempting to hold onto these areas.