anew.

beginning new things is hard. i don't think we realize how taxing these things can be. like...moving to a new place. or starting a new program. or starting a new job. things that are new and unfamiliar... are just draining. are they for you? i think it's draining b/c of all the internal thoughts i go through. 'am i doing this right,' 'this is different than anything i've experienced before,' 'i wish i didn't have to do this,' 'did i make the right choice?' all these thoughts can fly through ones head. i can just say that i'm ready to be done w/ new things for awhile. my mind is full. my heart is full. at times i feel my ability to think deeply and creatively about things is numb or deadened. i can't eloquently paste my words together. i don't have the space to reflect or be. this summer i had the space of time...but my internal world never settled. my internal world is still in shambles...and i am wondering if it will ever feel calm again. at times... i'm just ready for more simplicity. fewer jobs. fewer priorities. fewer things pulling for my attention. as i reflected on this deep desire for this... i realized how easily family can become the sole focus of a person's life. as they balance work, and basic living requirements such as eating, cleaning, etc., it's so understandable how difficult it is to make time to see and be with other people. it must get to be so nice to go home. go home to a place that's safe. familiar. loving. and home here is meaning space and people. it takes effort to have people over to share a meal. to find time to clean and cook on top of all the regular tasks. right now at the end of the day...i just want to come home and crash. how easy it must be to get into the routine of coming home and crashing. but, you could go to the other extreme and push yourself so completely far that you forget what it's like to even have space. or push yourself so hard and for so long that you dont' even realize your internal world is screaming and churning. you just dig down deep into your gut and push through. what does it look like to live in love...and to overflow with God's love for others? i think there is a great balance to be had here. i think at one point in my life i was the 'dig down deep and just do it' type. especially when overseas and forced to interact w/ others all the time b/c it's what was expected to do. recently i've begun to realize how important it can be to take care of myself and that staying in one evening alone is just as pleasing to God as going out and evangelizing. i can do either of these things alone.... or with him. so...what does it look like to go to disneyland with God? or to watch an episode or two of "Friends" with God? at this point... do i need to dig down deep and interact w/ others? or is he calling me to just rest as i get used to this new routine of life? what are these voices inside of me telling me? which one is God's and which ones are from my past and simply guilt/shame talking? why is it so difficult? how come i have to think so much? i think we can begin to realize that God isn't as predictable as we would like to think. so...maybe we could be a little less certain we are speaking the truth...and a bit more open and humble to our ability to know the truth. i don't even know what i'm saying now.... i'm just blabbering. i do know that many people have been hurt and are still driven by the "shoulds" people have preached at them. "you should convert x number of people a week," "you should talk to x number of strangers on the bus as the Lord leads," "you should invite people to church," "you should have people over for dinner," "you should send that person a note." These aren't bad things...but, what is the Lord calling you to at this moment? maybe it's to curl up with a book by the fire and read. ...maybe it's to move to ukraine and have your apartment renovated. i don't know. but... i do know the Lord is with you wherever you go. we are all on a journey attempting to learn what it means to be with God.