way to get those hopes up.

i've never been one to get my hopes up too easily. you know why? b/c then you got a lot longer to fall. if you don't ever hope...then you won't really be too disappointed will you? if you think nothing good will happen...really you will just be more surprised in life when the good things happen.

i failed...b/c i had hope. i hoped to get this job that felt really pretty right for me. in my infinite wisdom...it seemed the best fit for me and this stage in my life. this transition period between school...and not really sure what else. but....alas. i was rejected. i failed. denied. this whole job process for this specific job has been going on since may (at least). i took a test. waited. got an interview. waited. took a personality test. waited. had another interview. waited. all the time thinking i'd be gotten back to soon. i inquire to hear about where things are at and the position has been offered to someone else. other things go into this.....of people inferring i had a really super great shot at the job (multiple people) in places of authority. and yet...i'm still rejected. it's not a great feeling to have just graduated with a masters, declared residency in a state many miles from all that once seemed familiar and secure, and....now landing in a place where i am not sure where to head next. where does one even look for a job? how do you go about this? i honestly can see how people end up homeless. do you think i'm being overly dramatic? perhaps. i am. but...i still have this security of knowing that if my checking account does indeed run dry...they will spot me the money until i can pull myself out of it. what if i didn't have that? what would i do? i guess that's why they have those unemployment checks and stuff....but, if you've never really been employed do you still qualify? hmmm....i wonder if i should start checking that out? what do i do with this time on my hands? i wish someone would just tell me what to do....and then i would do it. i'm a hard worker....i'll work for minimum amounts of money. i don't value my skills enough in that way.

basically...i'm sad/mad/angry/frustrated/annoyed/full of anxiety/confused/tired/bored.

that's me for right now.

then you got the whole gammet of people saying, 'don't worry...God will provide." yes....i know. but...i think it's still ok to be slightly disappointed. talking myself out of emotions doesn't really help. maybe i need to actually allow myself to feel things. maybe that's where freedom can be found. but...what does that even look like? what am i even talking about? maybe i should just go back to school now. sigh. ok...bye.