waiting. stirring.

i have entered this period of waiting. i feel like i'm being ushered into this new and difficult realm of life. maybe it's just growing up. maybe i'm just allowing and believing that i might indeed be living through something emotionally difficult. maybe it doesn't have to be so extravagent as battling my way through some cultural barriers and language differences... or popping out kids... or dealing with major loss or serious illness. i belittle my circumstances alot...but, sometimes i still feel a bit overwhelmed and bogged down. facing the idea of leaving my family. not making it back for major holidays. not living near abbie or j-man as they grow older... maybe facing them not recognizing me when i go back. i just graduated...and don't have a job or many job prospects. i don't even have anything i really want to do (except return to school). does this mean i am hiding from the real world...or really being led back to school? am i called to psychology? or am i fooling myself? is this relationship w/ dan good? i am just wanting comfort or a companion? i want to make it on my own. i know i can. i've done it for 26 years. but...how often do we do these things on our own. are we called to do things on our own? or with another? i don't know how to do things WITH another...b/c i've never really done that in life. now that i'm in a relationship...i'm beginning to see what it means to "be with." through offering spiritual direction to others i also am given a glimpse into what it means to "be with" another as they journey in life. how can i translate this to what it means to "be with" Jesus throughout the day? how can i open up to him in these deep ways? isn't this what we are called to do? instead of trying so hard to do things on my own to prove my independence...what would it look like to find strength in dependence? it's an altering of my whole mindset. can i change myself in my own power? or...am i in need of another?