away.
much has occured since my last little blog. my family came to visit.... i continued working and getting familiar with my job at the school district... i visited a potential grad school to start up in the spring... and i got a new job... and began looking for a new place to live. i don't like change...but i seem to gravitate towards it. i just rearranged my room for the fourth time since august. seriously. i discovered the way i like it. i now have a little space blocked off in the corner with a blanket upon the floor. it's this area i can sit and be hidden away. i'm craving space so much right now. hence...my looking for a new place to live.
i also went on a retreat last weekend. thursday to saturday up at a monestary overlooking the ocean. it's pretty sweet staying at these places with monks walking around being all holy and stuff. they ring bells to mark the daily offices and you can go and partcipate in the liturgy if you'd like. i really needed to get some time away from things. my living arrangement had become a place that sucked me dry and whenever i walked into my house my throat clenched and heart tightened. i needed to get away so my soul could breathe and i could have some space to think and reflect and just be. i ended up spending quite a bit of time with the question and thought of marriage. am i called to marriage? what do i think of marriage? honestly...i have quite a negative view of marriage. in many ways...i feel like women loose their identity when they get married. they loose their intentionality in life and they loose their focus and purpose. they become these little droids that do housework and look pretty and buy nice things and clean and take care of the kids snotty noses and the laundry. that's not me. i'm not into those things... and i don't want that to be my life. i odn't just want to walk into marriage b/c it's the next step. why does one walk into marriage? what does that mean? what does that look like? that's what i sat with on retreat. it was good for me to have space to reflect and ask myself if this is what i really want...and if this is what God has for me. is he calling me into it? what does that look like? my spiritual director mentioned that sometimes this "peace" that people talk about is simply a feeling that people get to make themselves feel better about a decision they themselves desire. he asked me if i thought jesus had a peace in the garden when he was crying those bloody tears. maybe sometimes we are just given the information and he calls us to decide what we want given our God given intellect. my director also asked me if i had ever had these feelings of peace in other decisons. i haven't. so... he asks me. why do i expect anything different in regards to the decision about marriage? i need to take into account my different personality...and maybe i won't be twirling in fields of flowers in a sunskirt with a heart full of happieness... but i'll enter into this a bit more slowly.
ahhhh! i have to go. i'll write more later.
i also went on a retreat last weekend. thursday to saturday up at a monestary overlooking the ocean. it's pretty sweet staying at these places with monks walking around being all holy and stuff. they ring bells to mark the daily offices and you can go and partcipate in the liturgy if you'd like. i really needed to get some time away from things. my living arrangement had become a place that sucked me dry and whenever i walked into my house my throat clenched and heart tightened. i needed to get away so my soul could breathe and i could have some space to think and reflect and just be. i ended up spending quite a bit of time with the question and thought of marriage. am i called to marriage? what do i think of marriage? honestly...i have quite a negative view of marriage. in many ways...i feel like women loose their identity when they get married. they loose their intentionality in life and they loose their focus and purpose. they become these little droids that do housework and look pretty and buy nice things and clean and take care of the kids snotty noses and the laundry. that's not me. i'm not into those things... and i don't want that to be my life. i odn't just want to walk into marriage b/c it's the next step. why does one walk into marriage? what does that mean? what does that look like? that's what i sat with on retreat. it was good for me to have space to reflect and ask myself if this is what i really want...and if this is what God has for me. is he calling me into it? what does that look like? my spiritual director mentioned that sometimes this "peace" that people talk about is simply a feeling that people get to make themselves feel better about a decision they themselves desire. he asked me if i thought jesus had a peace in the garden when he was crying those bloody tears. maybe sometimes we are just given the information and he calls us to decide what we want given our God given intellect. my director also asked me if i had ever had these feelings of peace in other decisons. i haven't. so... he asks me. why do i expect anything different in regards to the decision about marriage? i need to take into account my different personality...and maybe i won't be twirling in fields of flowers in a sunskirt with a heart full of happieness... but i'll enter into this a bit more slowly.
ahhhh! i have to go. i'll write more later.
posted by lp at 5:31 PM
1 Comments:
I like the part about "peace" in making a decision. Man, I needed to hear that. Not concerning marriage so much, as much invisible boyfriend and I don't plan to marry for some time, but more so about making other big decisions in life...like, to stay in Ukraine or not to stay in Ukraine. *sigh*
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