three week burbs.

a part of me wants to be that little kid again.  i think i am getting a faint idea of what it might mean to "let go."  i think - a part of me is scared to let it happen b/c there won't be anyone there to scoop me up when it happens.  I've felt utterly alone and isolated and helpless before in life....  i don't want to let myself feel those things again.  i remember the pain from that time...once is enough.  maybe that's not what is being asked for...pain.  but i guess i don't even know what is being asked for.

a part of me is fearful that the thing of importance (whatever that is) will not emerge during these 3 weeks.  This means:  1)  it will never come out or (2). it will rear it's head at a different time.  but, i want it to come out now.  i know these 3 weeks are "safe."  There is support here...and someone to be with me.  this is rare for me.  i am frustrated w/ myself - b/c i don't know how to do it.  i feel like i should come with an instruction manuel on how to open me and then explanations on how to care for what's inside.  i think people assume i would know these things - but i don't.  the isf program, in general, is a safe place.  welcoming of questions, thoughts, tears, doubts, etc.  in a few short months i'll be kicked out of the community....sent out again to the world with even more ideas and experience i cannot explain.  it will be me alone...w/ all these thoughts rumbling around in my head.  i'll be even more fragmented as another experience passes me by.  i long for that constant thread to be woven throughout all these experiences.  enter the sunday school answer, "jesus."  he knows your heart!  (sarcastic undertones heavy).  

i just don't feel like i fit anywhere.  i always feel like i am forced to assimilated to the culture around me.  i feel left w/o my own concepts and ideas.  in california people think i'm this naive white girl that never saw an asian before coming to SoCal.  as a white person, i feel unable to have my own culture, b/c it would impede upon others.  i have to watch what i say...but, i feel i don't even understand my own culutre in many ways.  i always feel like i am fighting on my own - w/ no where to retreat back to for rest.  occasionally people fight w/ me...but they're not always there.  it's nice to be in the safety of ISF...but they won't always be there.  i better not rely upon them...b/c soon they will be gone and it will just be me again.  these 3 wks will end...and no one will be there.  i fear moving further away from those that do not understand me.  isf throw around ideas which are difficult to articulate.  these 3 weeks will be difficult as well.  people will express an interest in hearing...and i won't even know where to begin.  i find myself avoiding conversations with old friends b/c they leave me feeling even more unknown then before.  i avoid conversation to avoid driving a wedge between our hearts even deeper.  

everything changes.  i long for stability.  i am always moving on and meeting new people.  growing close to them and then moving on.  nothing stays the same.  you may still be friends, but it doesn't look the same.  growing close and moving on began to be overwhelming.  all these people i've met in the past two years will soon be scattered across the country.  opening up is hard...and then to have those people move on sucks.  you can't hold back from loving just b/c it's going to be hard to leave.  you have to just jump in and love.  who knows where the relationship could end up?  you've just got to be obedient in the small steps. ... no one ever said it was going to be painless.