crazy.

i realized something today. i realized how much i've matured in the past three years. yes, my friend kate informs me that my boobs have grown. but... i also mean matured internally. i haven't yet, 'arrived,' as one never really does. but, i have moved in significant ways towards becoming more differentiated. meaning...i don't get my identity based off others perceptions of me. i had made all these walls around me so that no one could touch me. but, that meant i really only felt myself behind closed doors. that's when i felt like no one was grabbing at me and pulling me towards their expectations of me. but, now i find myself standing up for my self. i have a better understanding of who the "person" that is my self is. i can say no. i don't have to respond uber nice to people all the time. is that the mark of a mature christian? uber niceness? i think not. my mind is spinning... but in a fascinating way. i am sad for all those people i've hurt in my past as i heaped these impossible expectations upon them. sin is quite a deep and detrimental thing. life isn't as black and white as we sometimes hope. maybe in the situation no one is right...or wrong. how can that be? i'm not sure. but, i do know that God is with each person in the midst of it. not making everyone "feel better," and "look nice,".... but in relationship with each person. in the deep with them. can we experience this? are we venturing to those places with him? what does this look like? what am i talking about?


“When we become aware that we do not have to escape our pains, but that we can mobilize them into a common search for life, those very pains are transformed from expressions of despair into signs of hope” -nouwen