dreams.

i had a dream last night. vivid dreams. odd dreams. a random guy from my past picked me up and started driving me around quickly. he was divulging his heart hurridly to me concerning many matters. i felt as if our friendship had to be secret...and that we were doing something wrong as we drove quickly through the darkened skies. i was upset with him because he hadn't talked with me in sometime...and yet began to quickly pour out his heart to me evoking a response within me. but, i never told him i was upset. i simply allowed him to share his heart with me and i responded to him compassionately. i don't know how to turn compassion off. must we? is there a line to be drawn? is there a time when we put down our foot and say that a deepening of the friendship, or even the existence of a friendship, is unhealthy? i am such a pushover and enter into situations which i feel as if i am used. but, am i being used? is it ok to be used?

i think it's ok to be used...if it's for God's purposes. or, is this just messed up thinking? i am not even sure anymore. all i know is...that i was sad when the guy dropped me back off. he told me that he would see me again soon...but, my heart broke as i stepped out of his car. i knew that the next time i would see him would be when he needed someone to divulge his heart to. no one else in his life played that role....but, i play that role nicely. in some odd ways i gain a warped sense of satisfaction from carrying others hurts in this way. in another way i am angry b/c no one pursues and cares for me. but, does this make me selfish to long for this? am i just to be used? is that my calling? is this simply my wrong self-perception? i feel as if i must carry others burdens around? why do i feel them...are they mine to carry? how do we just lay them down at the cross so no one has to carry them? what does that look like? do i even make sense? sometimes it's ok that i don't. it's just a blog....